Whatever it is fuck off I don't want any!Quote:
Originally Posted by English Noodles
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Whatever it is fuck off I don't want any!Quote:
Originally Posted by English Noodles
:smileylaughing:
Just been called up to my 5 year old sons school for a meeting.
Apparently when asked to do a farmyard impression 'get the fuck off my land before I shoot you, you dirty pikey [at][at][at][at]' wasn't what she meant.
Started my new job as a Bus Driver today. Didn t go well . A gorgeous blonde with large breasts got on and said " Are you going to Oldham?" Back in the job center tomorrow !
I got a Rolex from the Lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when i mentioned to them that i wanna watch :)
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer on duty, stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to carry 5 people in a Quattro... Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons. Five seats, five seat belts, five people "
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
:rofl: That's the best joke I've heard in ages! Cheers.
BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. Has that woman no shame?
Man: "Bless me father for I have sinned with 7 different women last night"
Priest: "Squeeze 7 lemons & drink the juice"
Man: "Will I be forgiven?"
Preist: "No, but it will wipe the smirk off your face!"
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Mr Whippy was found dead in the back of his van this morning covered in chocolate sprinkles & a Flake up his ass.
Police say he topped himself!
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It was the best day of my life. I arrived at church, wife waiting at the altar. I walked up & kissed her on the cheek, smiled at her then shut the lid!
During his vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:Oh no! Please don't report me to Attack Watch! :rofl:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver."
The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."
Paddy is in a disco and asks a girl '' Do you fancy a shag?''
Girl replies ''I'm on my menstrual cycle''
''Great'' says Paddy, '' I've got my scooter, i'll follow you home'' :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Lick
Reminds me of the doctor and blonde story:
Blonde enters doctors surgery.
Doctor says "Take your clothes off."
Blonde says "Where will I put them?"
Doctor says "Over there on top of mine."
Doctor begins examination.
Doctor says "Big breaths."
Blonde says "Nithe of you to thay tho."
Doctor asks "Do you have a regular menstrual cycle?"
Blonde says "No, I came on a Honda."
and so it goes on............. (but I can't remember any more!)
Guy comes out of a pub, steps on a pile of dogshit and goes arse over tit. Just as he picks himself up, a big bruiser comes out of the pub and slips on the same dogshit.
First guy says "I just did that." Second guy punches him in the face.
This fat bird stopped in front of me.
She lifted her skirt and flashed her arse at me.
I was horrified, but I'm over the moon now.
Being married is like being in the witness protection scheme.
You get new clothes, a new home, a new hair cut and you're not allowed to see your old mates any more.
Excuse the length (as I always say to my missus)......
A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar."
The Irish Maths Test?
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An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.?
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9..'?
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw three trees.?
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'What's this?' the boss asked.?
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' said the Irishman.?
'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'?
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go'?
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The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'?
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'?
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'?
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'?
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The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'?
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.' 'So, when do I start?
ENGLISH WEATHER
The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as
'Muslim Weather'
(partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
Abe meets Hymie on the street.
Abe says “Hymie hef I got a bargain for you. I can let you hef an elephant for 500 shekels.”
Hymie says “Abe, are you crazy? I live in a one-bedroom condo, where the heck am I going to keep an elephant?”
Abe says “OK. I tell you what I can do. I’ll let you have two elephants for 800 shekels.”
Hymie says “Aaaah, now you’re talking!”
Becky and Rachel meet on the street.
Becky says “Ssshhh, don’t tell anybody but I’m hevink an affair.”
Rachel says “Oh really, so who’s doink the caterink?”
Becky and Rachel meet again.
Becky says “So tell me Rachel, how is your son, Bennie, these days?”
Rachel says “Oooh, Bennie he is givink me such pleasure.”
Becky says “But Rachel, your son Bennie is an homosexual!”
Rachel says “Ah yes, but he’s goink vith such a nice Jewish doctor.”
Hymie and Rachel are in bed one night.
Hymie says “It’s your birthday tomorrow. What would you like?”
Rachel says “Oh just give me 500 shekels.”
Hymie says “Where the heck am I going to get 500 shekels wholesale?”
Bennie is woken one morning by his mother’s screams and rushes to his parents bedroom.
His mother says “Bennie, your father has had an heart attack.”
Bennie checks his father and says to his mother “Momma, I’m sorry but he’s dead.”
His mother says “Give him some chicken soup.”
Bennie says “But Momma, he’s already dead. It wouldn’t do any good.”
His mother says “It wouldn’t hoit!”
A Jewish queen had a colostomy. Her biggest problem?
Finding shoes to match her bag.
I was at the airport yesterday and a dog sniffed my luggage for money.
Isn't it funny how some things remind you of your wife.
I keep having a recurring dream about a horse.
It's a real night mare
A woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. Bartender asks, "Geez, where'd you get that big, fat, ugly old pig?" Woman says: "That's not a pig, that's a parrot". Bartender says: "Yeah, I know. I was *talking* to the parrot".
A black man walks into a doctor with a frog on his head.
The doctor says 'can I help you?'
The frog says 'yeah can you get this blackhead of my arse'
A guy goes to his local golf club and sees the most beautiful woman. He asks her to partner him in a game to which she agrees.
She wipes the floor with him and as a runners up prize she gives him the best blow job he's ever had. Obviously he invites her to do the same the week later, again she kicks his ass and gives him another mind blowing blow job. He asks her if the next time she wins they can have full blown sex.
She declines explaining that she's actually a transsexual.
The man is going fucking nuts, to which she enquires: "but you weren't complaining when I was giving you those amazing blow jobs".
"Fuck the blow jobs," he says. "You've been playing off the fucking women's tees!!"