Rat at tat ching is right.Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
I actually did. LOL.
Printable View
Rat at tat ching is right.Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
I actually did. LOL.
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.
I couldn’t help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted.
My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (72), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"
"Heads I win, tails you lose."
Why did the Irishman put on two condoms?
"To be sure, to be sure."
What is written on the bottom of a bottle of Guiness?
"Open other end"
He went to identify his wife at the mortuary.
"Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the policeman.
"Yes" he replied. "She's cold and isn't talking to me. What more do you want?"
My Granddad always said: "If you want something done properly, do it yourself".
That's probably why he died during his heart operation.
"Tree across the track near the level crossing" said Paddy's wife reading her newspaper. "And two down on the road near the pub."
"You know I'm thick" shouted Paddy. "Stop asking me crossword questions!"
At the job interview; "What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker"
"Can you give me an example?"
"Sure! When do I start?"
My wife said to me "If anything ever happens to me I want you to meet someone new." Apparently "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
I've just invented a new word.............."Plagiarism"
The New 2014 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years.
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time.!!"
"What's the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well," I replied, "Every time I urinate it smells just like the last thing I have eaten or drunk. For instance if I've just eaten chicken soup, it smells of chicken soup. What can I do to make my piss smell like piss doctor?"
"Have you tried drinking Fosters?"
^Rat-at-at...wait for it...
Even Aussies admit Fosters is cats piss. No one in Australia drinks it, the only way they can sell that crap is to convice pommies and Yanks it's reall orstralian, and seeing as they want to emulate orstralians they buy it.Quote:
Originally Posted by BaitongBoy
It really is only sold in quantity to overseas markets.
(Thanks to Bazza, if you remember.)
^Oh yes...I know...
*ching*...
STUNT PILOT
A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met and chatted in a pub.
He was stacking washing powder onto the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells, "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"
I was in Boots the chemist this morning.
I asked the assistant if she had any deodorant?
"Would sir like the 'round ball' type?"
" No, it's for under my armpits!"
I was in the chemist this morning, I said "Have you got any extra large condoms?".
She said "No, we sold out, have you tried Boots?".
I said "I want to fuck her, not kick her".
Quote:
Originally Posted by pompeysbroke
Post 1982, previous page.
^ I didn't have the heart!
A thief broke into my house last night and started searching for money...So I woke up and started searching with him!
A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. She takes out a personal ad and corresponds with a man who has lived his entire life in Australia. After a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Dear Sir
On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application, submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show and also for the the charming photograph you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is “Fact Hunt”.
Ladies! Sex therapists have claimed that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
.
.
.
Personally I think its bollocks.
After 10 years of marriage, I've learned an important lesson.
Flowers and an apology are a lot easier than actually changing.
Dave Feherty
CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER
He said one day, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a
winner in that group."
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique,
colourful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is
on his mind ... (probably always on time delay these days).
Feherty Quotes:
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the
strongest muscle in his body."
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped
in bacon."
" I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week.
He is attending the birth of his next wife."
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime -
"VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."
(Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day.
The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing
a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".
A blonde lass starts her first day as a teacher at a school.
Walking round she spots a lad standing alone by himself watching some other lads kicking a ball around.
Feeling sorry for him she approaches him and asks him if he is alright.
Still watching the other boys intently he replies ''yes miss''......
Still feeling sorry for him she tells him that it is ok to go and join the other boys
in the kick-about, to which he replies still not taking his eyes off the other players,
''I cant miss''. Why ever not asks the blond teacher.
''Because i'm the fvcking goalkeeper''..........
In a recent survey a cross-section of males were asked what type and shape of the females legs did they prefer.
15% said the liked and preferred long and slim legs.
10% said they preferred short but shapely legs but 75% said they preferred something inbetween.