Quick Jokes

**brettandlek** · 13-04-2011, 04:39 PM

Originally Posted by stuie

A tour bus driver is taking a lot of O.A.P.s on a trip, when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady who offers him a handful of peanuts.He gratefully accepts and munches away . 15 minutes later she taps him on the shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to offer him for the third time,he asks why she doesnt eat them herself. She replied that herself and her friend cannot chew them as they had no teeth, but they loved the chocolate around them.

ha ha ha yuk!

**brettandlek** · 13-04-2011, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by bobo746

An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"

Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."

Ha ha ha, sorry, i am not normally one for jokes, lucky if i remember one, but these are hilarious.

**nedwalk** · 14-04-2011, 07:01 AM

Got Thrown Out Of A Muslim Clothes Shop...

All I Did Was Ask Where They Kept The 'bomber Jackets'..

**ShilohJim** · 14-04-2011, 06:06 PM

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled in to bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

**stuie** · 14-04-2011, 08:07 PM

Two nuns were riding a tandem in Covent Garden.The nun on the back seat remarked that she had never come this way before.The other nun replied it must be the cobble-stones.

**ShilohJim** · 14-04-2011, 11:38 PM

The priest.
He knew about cockfights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no,"' he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant, either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't QUITE what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted!

**Thaidan** · 15-04-2011, 06:41 AM

just so great jokes. THX

**stuie** · 15-04-2011, 08:39 PM

For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.His father said son,we would give you one but the mortgage on the house is 280.000 pounds and your mother has just lost her job and theres no way we can afford the bike.Next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.He called out,son where are you going.Little Patrick told him, i was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.Then i heard her tell you to wait cos she was coming too.Now im damned if i will be staying here by myself with a 280.000 mortgage and no bike.

**Cujo** · 22-04-2011, 09:43 AM

A young aboriginal girl was getting married.
Her mother said, "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".
"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks.
"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee," the mother says.

The daughter replies, "Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the sink ?"

**nidhogg** · 22-04-2011, 10:10 AM

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

**nidhogg** · 22-04-2011, 10:17 AM

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.

**brettandlek** · 22-04-2011, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.

ha ha very funny.

**TizMe** · 22-04-2011, 12:11 PM

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

**Tickiteboo** · 03-05-2011, 03:50 AM

the pretty girl married her prince , and the bad guy got killed . its been a proper disney weekend !

**Mr Lick** · 04-05-2011, 04:18 PM

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres'

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."

I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.
They're called kneegrows

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fcuking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

A young Arab asks his father: -
What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the fcuk are we living in Bradford?

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your fcuking lot."

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since I gave her the first beating.

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it’s an old shithouse door off a fishin’ boat!

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fcuk up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was cnut.

Fernando Torres..... Not quite as famous as his brother Clit

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fcukin place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no fcuking idea they had a job centre!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue
dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

**somtamslap** · 04-05-2011, 06:22 PM

Originally Posted by Mr Lick

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

Great...

**alwarner** · 05-05-2011, 02:00 AM

what a sad week for sporting icons; Ted Lowe from Snooker, Henry Copper from boxing and Osama Bin Laden the world hide and seek champion all found dead at home!

**Boon Mee** · 07-05-2011, 09:01 AM

A Navy SEAL walks into a bar and orders a Bin Laden.
"What´s a Bin Laden," the bartender asks.
The SEAL replies, "Two shots and a splash of water."

**The Fresh Prince** · 07-05-2011, 11:07 AM

What does Kate Middleton have in common with Osama Bin Laden?

Last Sunday they both had their back doors smashed in and shot in the face by a bloke in the Navy.

**stuie** · 07-05-2011, 04:40 PM

Two 90year olds Joe and Mike have been friends all their lives.When its clear Joe is dying Mike visits every day and eventually asks,"Joe we both loved our football all our lives and we played on Saturdays together for years". "Please do me a favour,when you get to heaven,somehow you must let me know if theres football there".
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed "Mike youve been my best friend for all these years and if its at all possible i will do you this favour".Shortly after Joe passes on.
At midnight a few days later,Mike is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out "Mike--Mike".
Sitting up suddenly Mike asks "who is it"
"Mike its me, Joe"
"It cant be Joe,he just died" answered Mike.
"Im telling you, its me, Joe"the voice insists.
"Joe,where are you?"
"In heaven" replies Joe "i have some really good news and some bad news".
"Tell me the good news first, mate".
Joe says,"the good news is theres football in heaven.Better than that,all our friends that died before are here too and even better were all young again.Better still its always spring-time and never rains or snows.Best of all we can play football all we want and we never get tired"
"Thats fantastic and beyond my wildest dreams"replied Mike."so whats the bad news Joe"he added.
"Well Mike, you are in the team to play on Saturday mate"

**Tickiteboo** · 07-05-2011, 05:05 PM

Yahoo.com news - "World's oldest man dies"

Why does this keep happening?

sabaii sabaii · 10-05-2011, 08:58 PM

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken."
"Yes," says Harry, "that's inflation for you."
"It's nothing to do with inflation," says grandma, "it's all them fucking CCTV cameras they have nowadays."

sabaii sabaii · 16-05-2011, 05:34 AM

Just bought some premier league golf clubs and the fucking irons are missing

sabaii sabaii · 16-05-2011, 05:36 AM

2 goals up and get beat 3-2

West Ham..forever blowing doubles

sabaii sabaii · 16-05-2011, 06:25 AM

i opened my premiership tool box today... there was no hammers

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