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  1. #501
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    TizMe's Avatar
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    Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
    He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

    While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
    When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
    The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
    Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
    She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
    The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
    From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
    Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

  2. #502
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    He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...
    He awoke before the Pearly Gates...
    St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...
    Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...
    St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...
    Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...
    Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...
    The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...
    A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?
    "Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...
    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster...
    "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?
    "Never" said Ralph...
    "Well, just cluck twice and then push"...
    Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...
    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed"...

  3. #503
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    A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,

    "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
    The rabbi says, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
    The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "

    Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
    The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi asks the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replies, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
    The rabbi then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
    The priest says, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
    The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for about five minutes, and then says,
    "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

  4. #504
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    happynz's Avatar
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    too long for quick jokes....-fclam4ywiaes8hj-jpeg
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails too long for quick jokes....-fclam4ywiaes8hj-jpeg  

  5. #505
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    Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.

    "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

    No one knows whether he/she jumped or was pushed??

  6. #506
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    happynz's Avatar
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    An engineer dies and is sent to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil:

    What's up?

    The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

    "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.

    "The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

    God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

    The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
    Pues, aquí estamos.

  7. #507
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    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

  8. #508
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Two men are out fishing when a sudden storm throws them out of their boat. When it's passed, they realise their boat has sunk and the nearest island is a mile away, so they start swimming. Out of nowhere, a shark attacks one of them, taking his legs.
    "Come on, we're nearly there!" shouts the first man, so they carry on.
    Then out of nowhere, more sharks appear, and take off the mans arms.
    "Don't worry, I'll help you!" says the second man, and pulls the now limbless man onto his back before struggling the rest of the way.

    When they get to the beach, the first man rolls him off and gasps "I'm fucked!".

    The second man says "I know, that's the only way I could hold on".
    Warning: Be cautious if you are a fragile pink

  9. #509
    Days Work Done! Norton's Avatar
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    Current situation with a certain Royal reminded me of this.

    A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

    The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

    The brother thought about it and apologized.

    "So how's Mom?" asked the man.

    "She's on the roof and won't come down."
    Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

  10. #510
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    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?" I asked.


    Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.


    So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.


    She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"


    I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.


    Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


    “Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!”


    The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen may not be getting any easier, but it can be fun

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