Thread: too long for quick jokes....

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...
He awoke before the Pearly Gates...
St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...
Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...
St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...
Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?
"Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster...
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?
"Never" said Ralph...
"Well, just cluck twice and then push"...
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed"...

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi says, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "

Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi asks the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replies, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest says, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for about five minutes, and then says,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

No one knows whether he/she jumped or was pushed??

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?" I asked.


Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.


So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.


She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"


I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.


Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


“Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!”


The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen may not be getting any easier, but it can be fun

I thought it was supposed to be funny.

A man boards an airline and takes his seat. As he settles in, a beautiful woman boards the plane and as fate would have it, she takes the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurts out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. "Whats your business at this convention?"

"Lecturer." she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?...And what kind of myths are those?"

"Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually men of Mexican descent are best. I have also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry." she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto." the man blurted "Tonto Gonzales, but my mates call me Billy T.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.


After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'


'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'


'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'


'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'


The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


'Father, could I ask something of you?'


'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'


'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.


'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'


'Is that true Father?'


'Yes, it is, Sister.'


'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!'

Made me laugh...

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”