Thread: Are Aussies Really So Bad?

great stuff.

tell me momo8, where are the first 7 momos?

My Momo nik is my real life nik name,8 is a lucky number in China meaning infinity or neverending,it is also pronounced as 'bah'.

When I first came to Shanghai I visited a lot of bahs

so its momo bah!

In Thai, bah means bonkers, loony, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Lucky I'm no longer in Thailand then.There's a great bar called Momo's here in Shanghai not mine alas but always get free drinks there because of my name.


Tired of being isolated and ignored, Australia decides to move

News Flash!

Australia gets drunk, wakes up in North Atlantic

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Michael Ewen. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says

Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Ewen added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-aways in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Arron Gunthorpe. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said the Spanish President Juan Carlos. "They were very friendly, they always seem friendly but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible! Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," President Carlos added.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy.

In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands:

1. Immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization,
2. A permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states,
3. A worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan,
4. A primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football,

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

Latest News from Stuffucanuse

New Zealand becomes the major power in the South Pacific with Samoa

New Zealand awoke this morning to find itself as the lone superpower in the South Pacific, after Australia moved north during the night.

"About Bloody time too" stated the Prime Minister Helen Clarke. "we have had just about enough of the whiners and were considering allowing Ngai Tahu to invade them and claim Queensland.

Look out Northern Hemisphere, you don't know what you are in for. They steal your entertainers, claim anyone who even visit them as their own, and inflict their sports teams on them. We will be better off working with Samoa"

Popular opinion is that New Zealand moves to occupy Australia's place as the weather is better.

No report has come from Tasmania. It is believed that Australia left quietly so Tasmanians wouldn't notice and want to follow. It appears the ruse has worked. New Zealand has offered to adopt Tasmania as West New Zealand.

Bring on the NZ jokes.

An Aussie and a New Zealander were having a beer in a pub.

'Mate' says the NZ bloke,'If I shagged your wife,will that make me an Aussie?'

'No mate,but it will make us even'

^^ bit small to read bro!

You're all just jealous.

Australian immigration's new logo?

Originally Posted by momo8

This one is in honour of Terry who is giving us all a bad name.

New Preamble to the Australian Constitution


WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.
We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.
While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.
Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot,we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

No need to read all that shit everyone knows Aussies are ok.

^Gordy, you're just Scampy. Don't think you count as an Aussie.

Any other chain emails you'd like to C&P, momo?

Nope I had this saved from the original and I made a compilation of this thread and of one in Bedlam and some of my own.Classic stuff.


Are Aussies Really So Bad?, An expert replies
Rating


Axel






2005-01-20 17:47:35



Dear Abbey,

"I need your advice. I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Redfern and one of my sisters, who lives in Canberra, is married to a Kiwi. My father and mother have recently been arrested growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Kings Cross. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Long Bay Jail, Sydney, for the rape and murder of a teenage girl in 1994, the other is currently being held in the Parramatta remand centre on charges of incest with three of his children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Chatswood and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Kiwi? "

the correct answer to the above is,

absolutely not!

I want to immigrate.

Can someone help me.

I'm not Lebo or Muzzie.


Somebody let me in.


Puhleeze.

nope.

fcukin kiwis

'Wombat rape made man speak Strine'



A NEW Zealand man has been sentenced to community work after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak "Australian".
Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.
The orchard worker later called back and said: "Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right, you know."
Cradock pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours' community work.
Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock's life.

Are Ozzies bad, Yes, This guy claimed to have been raped by one.

Community service for wombat rape claim






A Motueka man who claimed to have been left speaking Australian after being raped by a wombat has been sentenced to 75 hours' community work for his trouble.

Arthur Ross Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker, admitted in the Nelson District Court yesterday to the charge of using a phone for a fictitious purpose, after calling police with the message, 'I've been raped by a wombat'.
Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court that on the afternoon of February 11 Cradock called the police communications centre, threatening to "smash the filth" if they arrived at his home that night.
When asked if he had an emergency, he replied "yes", Mr Stringer said.
On a second subsequent call to the communications centre, Cradock told police he was being raped by a wombat at his Motueka address, and sought their immediate help.
He called police again soon after, and gave his full name, saying he wanted to withdraw the complaint.
"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out,'' Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.
"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all,'' Cradock then told the operator.
Mr Stringer said alcohol had played a big part in Cradock's life. However, defence lawyer Michael Vesty said alcohol was not a problem that day.
Judge Richard Russell said he was not quite sure what motivated Cradock to make those statements to the police.
In sentencing, he warned Cradock not to do it again.

Taken form the other thread for posterity on this one,more relevant.
AAP
March 27, 2008 07:15pm

A DRUNKEN miner was only seconds away from being attacked by a crocodile in Australia's northern waters when police saved his life by shooting at the reptile.
Horrified onlookers watched from the shore outside the Alyangula Recreation Club on Groote Eylandt as the determined crocodile closed in on the man shortly before 10.30am today.

The 27-year-old man, who works at the nearby Gemco mine, was drinking with a mate when he was apparently dared to swim out to a croc trap 70m offshore.

Local police commander Colin Smith said there were unconfirmed reports he was already aware the reptile was in the area.

"People saw this large crocodile in the water nearby and saw this idiot swimming out towards the croc trap," said Commander Smith.

"They called police who got there fairly quickly... It started off 20m from him, then closed in to 10m and started to pick up pace for the attack."

As terrified onlookers screamed out to the man to try and get his attention, Commander Smith said an officer steadied himself onshore and took the first of several shots with his Glock Pistol.

"The first one either hit the croc or put him off because it swam under the water," he said.

"But it was still headed in the man's direction and this is when police fired more shots ... to give him time to reach the shore.

"No one doubts the actions of police saved this fella."

Commander Smith said the man - who did not realise just how close he came to the jaws of death - might have "done it as a dare".

"(When he got out of the water) he was intoxicated and argumentative with police," said Commander Smith.

"He didn't seem to appreciate that police had probably just saved his life.'

Police are still considering whether to take disciplinary action against the miner, who deliberately ignored warning signs and could be charged with disorderly behaviour in a public place.

"Generally most people in the Territory are fairly aware the danger of crocodile attacks in the water and generally there is a healthy respect," Commander Smith said.

Michael O'Keefe, assistant manager of the Alyangula Recreation Club, said he had called out to the drunken men before one of them jumped in the water.

"I reckon he had one minute to go (before the croc attacked him)," Mr O'Keefe told the ABC.

"It had started to pick up pace ... I'd yelled to those guys there was a 4m crocodile out there.

"This guys is an idiot ... he's not from this planet."

Mr O'Keefe is believed to have taken a video of the incident.

quite true darling, quite true.

have you seen this old thread momo?

https://teakdoor.com/the-teakdoor-lou...ore-pooly.html (Stupid Aussies??? - Tell us more Pooly!)

I have now!

A study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means on average, Australians get 41 miles per gallon.

Isn't that great?

Originally Posted by momo8

That means on average, Australians get 41 miles per gallon. Isn't that great?

awesome stuff, and how much of that mileage translates to sex?