Thread: The new couple in the flat upstairs

My new neighbours; they're pleasant, courteous, humble, friendly... and fuck like it's going out of fashion.

This morning I ate my breakfast to the soundtrack of a pair of rutting beasts doing what sounded like severe damage to one another. I turned up Good Morning Briitain with a view to drown out the whole salacious cacophony, but there she was, Susanna Fucking Reid, trying her damnedest to give the nation a collective boner. Everywhere I look or listen people are being fucking filithy.

Take last night for example. I was in bed, stirring half a teaspoon of sugar into my hot cocoa and revving up a novel for 15 minutes worth of unadulterated reading, when... quelle surpise, they're at it again, Richard and Susan, "harder, harder, HARDER", pummelling the living shat out of each other.

Never would a yell of "SHUT THE FUCK UP" be more appropriate.

I am therefore bound, by the fading traces of my sanity, to pen an annonymous note and pop it through their letter box...

"Dear sordid twats in flat number 65,

Your unwavering energy and apparent appetite for one another is causing one of your neighbours to slip further into the abyss of acute pyschosis due to a) having sired two recalcitrant infants who like sleeping about as much as you'd like to be ordained into monkhood... and b) you pair of terrible twats who take over the shift once they're a-kip. Now do me a fucking favour and grow the fuck up.

Many thanks"

That should do it.