The adventures of Mr Hugh Jarse

**Breny** · 03-01-2012, 09:11 PM

Good tidings to one and all here on Teakdoor.
I would like to share with you, my tales of travel in The Land of Smiles and the fine adventures and friends i have met along the way.

My name is Mr Hugh Jarse i am a retired librarian and semi pro tiddle wink player ( ranked 199475 in the UK league )
I am recently divorced from my wife ( Alan, yes that was her real name ) It was a messy divorce which left me feeling a tad down with myself, Since Alan had left me for a travelling show strongwoman/tattoo artist who goes by the name Attila

When my divorce settlement came through i had over £ 25,000 and a collection of Soduko magazines ( Ha Ha i hear you shout, Hugh got the golden prize )

Whilst sitting in my new abode which is a lovely one room apartment ( bedsit ) i decided to call my Grandson Iceman over for a pot noodle and black tea. After the feast was over Iceman ( his parents are big fans of Top Gun ) brought out a dvd/vhs of a moving picture called " The Beach " staring Leonardo Di Vinci. Well i can tell you dear friends it was as if a thunder bolt has landed straight in my lap, Actually i had spilt my tea.

So i decided to head out to TIELAND and find this sacred beach and possibly find a nice french girl 48 yrs my junior.

I booked a flight from the UK TO TIELAND and i was off on an adventure of a life time. As some of you fellas can imagine an 86 yr old retired librarian with a heart problem who has never been out of the country i was a little aprehensive about the trip. But when i picked up a book about TIELAND and found out that is actually called the land of smiles i was cock a hoop.

Part 2 soon "The curious case of arrival and a sooty search"

**somtamslap** · 03-01-2012, 09:19 PM

Originally Posted by Breny

Alan, yes that was her real name

I think old Hugh might be quite well suited to Bangkok.

**klong toey** · 03-01-2012, 09:44 PM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Originally Posted by Breny

Alan, yes that was her real name

I think old Hugh might be quite well suited to Bangkok.

This guy sounds like the chauffeur of an ex British prime minister who used to drink down suk soi 22.About the same age had a stunning Laotian girlfriend about 60 years younger than him.The use to play pool for 1000 baht a game after a few games his girlfriend was at least 10,000 baht up everynight.Mean while back in the real world i played Mrs KT a kiss to the winner.

**Breny** · 03-01-2012, 10:12 PM

Upon my departure on the airofplane i was delighted to be seated next to a gentleman who went by the name "gizza" a jovial chap who started drinking gin from the bottle before the airofplsne had taken off. Gizza informed me that he was a regular visitor to Tieland and thought it was heaven on earth, He even showed me his Singa beer tshirt/vest which i though was very stylish ( i was not to keen on his tattoo of two dogs making love onhis right arm ). About 3 hours into the flight a nice Thai lady called "Lily" asked to sit inbetween Gizza and i, of course me being the gentleman allowed her. Gizza had fallen asleep by now, strangely enough with his eyes wide open. Lilly and i engaged in conversation for a while until i told her of my £25,000 divorce settlement and of my achievements in the tiddly wink league. I can tell you dear fellow los,ers (land of smilers ) her face lit up, How lucky was i? The first Thai lady i had ever met was interested in tiddly winks.

The flight went on and on for a long time and lilly anounced that she would need to go to the toilet, I told her that there is not a lot of room to sit in there and she replied that she would go standing up as usual, She must have very strong leg muscles i told her, and she replied "i could kill you with them, its easy ive done it before" A girl with a sense of humour too.

After drinkng a small gin and tonic i fell asleep until we landed at the famous Bkk.

It was then that my adventure started to get a little strange. Lilly had asked me to carry through customs a small teddy bear for her child "binhop" who was i to say no to a beauty like her.

Once at customs a small spaniel dog came bounding up to me and as i had 2 new bumbags around my waist and a brand new pair of sandals i decided the best thing to do was shout "get down" across to the dog, However everbody including the people in uniforms sank to the floor at once excluding the dog, sirens started wail and lights started to beam all around the airport. only i was standing.....and the dog.

Just then 5 men in uniforms jumped on my back and took my down to the floor in a most aggresive fashion...I then soiled my new bermuda shorts hitting my new white socks and sandals, thus passing out.

I awoke in a small room with 4 men pointing their fingers at me in unison. Not knowing the correct way to greet Thai people i pointed to them inidiviually. it was then a man in black uniform took out the teddy bear and said to me "you kill dog"
It transpired that the dog at the customs area had eaten a sizable amount of the teddy bear as his handler was still cowering on the floor after i had shouted "get down". So i was introduced to the doctor who informed me that they were going to give me an internal examination, No not an xray but a white woolen glove with a brown finger on it. ..I passed out again ( with a smile on my face, it reminded me of the game scout leader used to play with me until he dissapeared suddenly)

After 4 hrs i was able to go. I made my way to the taxi rank where Lilly was waiting for me. After recalling the incedent to her she looked unhappy so i bought a new teddy for her child "binhop".

I got into a taxi with Lilly as she told me she new where a nice hotel would be at "a wery cheep prisss"

Soon to come, the taxi ride into BKK and meeting an old friend.

sabaii sabaii · 03-01-2012, 10:14 PM

Lookin good Breny.

where did you get TIE land from.

For me it all started out as Thighland, now fukkin KwaiLand

**Breny** · 03-01-2012, 11:24 PM

So here i was in TIELAND, in the back of a taxi pickup, and it was the back as i had not cleaned the faeces from my shorts,socks and sandals.Lilly told me through the window that the taxi fare would be cheap as it was her brother driving, Excellent another stroke of good fortune.
She also mentioned that i would be staying in a grand hotel in an area called Klong Toey, It sounded fantastic, just what i needed relaxation.

After about 4 hrs driving to Bkk city i noticed that the King had 5 Palaces all exactly the same. He sure is a wonderful man, I have lots of repect for him as do all of the TIE people. Finally i arrived at Klong Toey, Well my first impressions were that it was a little bit on the dirty side but hey ho im here now. Lilly and her brother ( klangporn) got out of the taxipick up and untied me from the metal bars ( for safety reasons ) and i paid Klangporn his 80,000 bart i would have to get used to this currency.. Once again i was suprised by the closeness of thai people as Lilly french kissed her Brother goodbye.

The hotel was not what i had imagined, it was made of cardboard with a plastic sheet as a roof, Maybe it was one of those environmetally friendly tourist places i had heard from Iceman ( my grandson ) that TIE peole were very informed and cared alot about their great nation.

As i walked into the hotel i could smell dried human waste and remembered that it was me not the hotel, So i lay down my suitcase on the plastic table and asked Lilly the price. 20,000 bart per night minimum 4 nights charge. I paid her the money to give the owner.

Lilly told me that she had to explain why the teddy bear was not here and she would be back very soon and not to go outside, or make a noise, or move.

As i lay on the blanket on the floor staring through the hole in the roof i could not believe it, I was in Bkk, had met a great lady and nothing bad had happened.

After about 5 minutes of not moving etc i heard a noise outside my own private hotel. what was it? Then it happened....A creature resembling Yoda from the Star wars films walked into my room. It Sniffed and screamed in a strange, almost backwards high pitched language....Farrang dom glìn hăa.
With that it left. And i decided to peer outside to where it had gone, Had it come down from a tree?
As i peered out side a neon light shone in the distance, Great i though maybe i could buy a drink of water and a painkiller for my newly forming headache. I walked into the bar and wished all in there a good afternoon, i asked for a bottle of water and was given a large bottle if clear liquid which smelt like terpentine, i asked for a painkiller and was given a small orange pill, i asked for another one for later much to the suprise of the bartender. I asked how much and he just smiled and waived me to sit down in the corner he would kindly give me my bill as i left.

Part 3 coming up, The old friend appears, and i see George formby in Nana plaza

**Smug Farang Bore** · 03-01-2012, 11:28 PM

^Toyland..

**Mr Orange** · 04-01-2012, 05:42 AM

Good read, has made me chuckle

**blue** · 04-01-2012, 06:05 AM

Mr Jarse with his optimistic views on life, and unsurpassed faith in his fellow humans has won me over, hope the story has a happy ending.

**VocalNeal** · 04-01-2012, 09:51 AM

May I add a a comment about Mr. Jorgen, in memory of whom there is a Hash group in Vancouver BC?

**somtamslap** · 04-01-2012, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by blue

hope the story has a happy ending.

Me too. I refuse to continue reading unless ol Hugh triumphs. He could meet is maker with his tongue burried up a well groomed arsehole, for example. I know Hugh would like that..

**The balding Coot** · 04-01-2012, 07:23 PM

Maybe he will meet a bargirl with a good heart. Rescue her from a life of being buggered by fat Germans and sweaty Arabs. Go to live in the boonies with her. Be accepted and integrated into her family for his personality and repartee, rather than his dwindling fortune! And live his remaining years surrounded by love, attention, generosity and intellectual conversation on a wide variety of subjects!

**HughJardon** · 04-01-2012, 07:44 PM

Hey Breny.......i used to hang out with Hugh Jarse some time back top geezer ..please pass on my regards and will catch up one day.........when i can manage to get these 2 ...35 year younger than me love machines off my body or

when i run out of Viagra.

**Breny** · 05-01-2012, 07:19 PM

Well hello fellow TD'ers,
Here is the 3rd part of my adventures in TIE land.
As i sat in the small dimly lit bar/chicken coup in struck up a conversation with a gentleman by the name of "Doggleporn wisra" a tuk tuk driver who was about to start his 17hr shift ferrying happy tourists about town. I asked Mr Doggleporn wisra if he would like to share my bottle of strange water as i could see that he was dehydrated and unwell as he was sweating lots, He replied that he would love to and that he had a bad cold of sorts ( he must have been quite unwell as he was actually snorting his beechams powers through his nose) After about an hour of us talking and making merry Mr Doggleporn wisra suggested that i go with him into town for free! Super i thought yet another Friendly TIE person. I asked him to wait for me to get changed from my dirty clothes which were now covered in my dry excrement and that i would be back in a matter of minutes.

As i left the bar/chicken coup the gratious barkeep gave me a bill for 74,000 bart, which i paid instantly, and was reminded to take my new orange headache tablets of which i did with a big gulp of TIE water.

Once back at my environment friendly hotel i discovered that my suitcase was gone, Oh dear i thought where was it? Then i remembered that this being a nice hotel the owners had probably locked it away for safe keeping, That was lucky and helpful of them, So i decided to go for a dip in the clear and cooling waters of the canal which were only 4 yards away from the hotel. Whilst bobbing up and down for around 5 minutes i began to feel a bit strange, whether it was the tiredness of my eventful day or the headache tablets and water i did not know. Soon i found myself with the energy i had not had in over 49 yrs and felt like i had the strength of 11 tigers. Bounding up the embankment like a young buck i entered the hotel and found the weird yoda like creature was back in my room this time with my suitcase, How wonderful i could now get changed into my kharki safari suit i had bought from a church jumble sale( one had to dress smart in TIEland at all times ) I thanked the yoda woman by Wai'ing her for a full 2 minutes with my head bowed down to just underneath my knees and left for my big night in town. I wondered if Lilly would miss me for an hour or two?

As i jumped into the back of Mr Doggleporn wisra' tuk tuk i began to feel rather more invigerated and asked whether i could drive for a while, "NO WAY FARANG" came the answer back, however i waas offered some beechams powder instead, which i snorted with vigour until the whole amount was gone (about the size of a tennis ball)

I felt great, Mr Doggleporn wisra asked if i wanted to have a look at the temples or floating market? I declined his kind over instead i asked in my new friend to take me to Nana Plaza where i could have a piece of toast and a nice cup of tea as i had not eaten anything for about 32 hrs.

Once we had arrived at The Nana Plaza i told Mr Doggleporn wisra, to go and "fuck himself" if he thought that i was going to give him any money and then leaned over to the front seat and strangled him with my belt from my safari suit. Which was an extremely odd thing for me to do, but i felt like it was all a dream at the time. I left Mr Doggleporn wisra's corpse in the front of his majestic tuk tuk not before i had been through his pockets looking for more Beechams powder ( bingo i had found lots and lots of it) money and a mobile telephone were also hidden in his underpants, which i had a good rummage through laughing like a maniac who had just finished a suduko puzzle in record breaking time.

And off i went into Nana Plaza for my cuppa and toast.

**yortyiam** · 05-01-2012, 08:12 PM

Exellent Breny! The funniest thing is ALL of those scenarios have indeed happened to some of the poor devils that have arrived in the Kingdom.

**Breny** · 05-01-2012, 09:02 PM

As i walked into Nana plaza my gaze was met by a TIE lady who was playing connect 4, I sat next to her and asked if she would like a game, Yes pleeees "hadsoom man" What does the winner get?" i asked She laughed and told me that "a drink to her win or lose" I bought a bottle of whisky and shared it with my new friend adding, small amounts of flu remedy powder to mine and later on hers ( without her knowing as TIE people do not like to take from Farrang) Shortly after our 26th game a badly dressed man sat down next to us and introduced himself as buttplug, He was a moderator on a TIE forum called TEI DELTA ( or something like that) I shared my whisky with him for a while but soon got bored of his company as he kept talking about rule,rules and rules!
So i did the only thing i could think of and that was to ask him to come and look at the tuk tuk i had arrived in, As we walked out side towards the tuk tuk i took out my belt and threw it over his neck, with 10 seconds of struggling he was asleep. Going through his pockets, All i could find was a Large tube of KY and a rule book with over 3000 pages in it. I put his still warm body on top of Mr Doggleporn wisra and slowly walked back into Nana.

The lady i had been playing connect 4 with told me to join her and her friend, i asked them their names which were Lily and Mon. We finished the bottle of whiskey and decided to go upstairs to a club, Up the stairs we went with me carrying both girls until we got to the top floor and headed left along the corridor until we reached the last club on the left.

Walking in the first thought i had was that the place was quaint and welcoming. I sent Lily off to the bar for a bottle of whiskey for us all, mon and i sat down in the corner. I asking why Mon was sniffing and she yold me that she had a cold, i whipped out my flu remedy and she quickly devoured alot of it.

It was then that i caught a glimse of George Formby leaning on a lapdancing pole, As he saw me he smiled and told me to "take your orange headache tablet, and then take the girls back to your hotel for a game of tiddly winks, And not to forget to buy some ducttape" I roared with laughter at George and asked him if he would be coming with us? "I will always be with you Hugh Jarse"

I asked Lily and mon if they would like to accompany me back to my hotel for a nightcap? "Do you have money and more flu remedy?" they asked, I smiled and said "I have plenty"

We walked outside and to my suprise, there was Gizza, my friend from the plane, upon meeting him again i asked him if he would like to join us for a tiddly wink party, and not to worry about getting a tuk tuk as i had already got one outside waiting.

**Breny** · 06-01-2012, 02:30 PM

So there we were, 2 lovely ladies Lily and Mon, My friend Gizza and i, all a bit tipsy walking back to the tuk tuk which still had the bodies of Mr Doggleporn wisra and Buttplug still inside it. I felt a million bart, what a joyous night i had experienced and it was only going to get better.

Then i saw them, 7 of Bkk's finest standing around the Tuk tuk pointing in all directions as if they were trying to identify a wasp flying around them. I stopped and suggested that we get an airconditioned cab back to my hotel. As we drove past the tuk tuk i peered from my window to see the two corpses being loaded into a cart unceremoniously. "Driver" i shouted "dont spare the horses, back to the hotel".
When we arrived back at the palace hotel i found the small yoda creature standing outside with a grin as big as a cheshire cat, She was wearing a bright green bikini with thigh high leather boots. I was, for the first time in 32 years sexually awakened. The 11 scorpion tattoos placed upon her sagging body made my old chap stand to attention. We all exited the taxi and made our way towards the hotel and yoda.

I asked yoda if she would like to join us all for a game of tiddly winks, she just smiled even wider and winked at me with her one good eye.
As soon as we had entered the room Mon and Lily dragged Gizza into the corner and started to undress him and then themselves, I thought that it wasn't that hot in the room and then remembered that they must have been sweaty from their colds. I decided to go outside with yoda to drink some whiskey and smoke a nice cigar which she had offered me.

After about 15 minutes of smoking the cigar and drinking whiskey Yoda stood up and then she pulled it out of her bikini bottoms.........Yes my fellow TD'ers she had the most fantastic set of tiddly winks and cup i had ever seen!

We played for hours laughing and joking at eachother like we had known one another for the whole of our lives, What a spiffing time!. Was i in love?

**somtamslap** · 06-01-2012, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by Breny

barkeep gave me a bill for 74,000 bart, which i paid instantly,

Hugh don't half carry alot of cash around.

**Breny** · 06-01-2012, 03:52 PM

The past day and a half have been a joyous time for me, ive met some amazing people, had a great time getting over my cold ( although the double murders were quite unexpected )

Now im in a quandry, do i stay in Bkk with Yoda or do i go to the small quaint fishing Village Pattaya to find more adventures?

Its up to you fellow TD'ers, My balls are in your hand, you decide.

**Breny** · 06-01-2012, 03:54 PM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Originally Posted by Breny

barkeep gave me a bill for 74,000 bart, which i paid instantly,

Hugh don't half carry alot of cash around.

Yes he does, its all in his 2 bumbags (matching hello kitty ) and his undercover moneybelt.

**Cujo** · 06-01-2012, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by Breny

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Originally Posted by Breny

barkeep gave me a bill for 74,000 bart, which i paid instantly,

Hugh don't half carry alot of cash around.

Yes he does, its all in his 2 bumbags (matching hello kitty ) and his undercover moneybelt.

Great laugh, keep it up

**Bettyboo** · 06-01-2012, 04:44 PM

Get out of Bkk, Hugh - there's a whole wonderful country to explore; go to Pattaya and find out about TIE culture - you'll love it.

**withnallstoke** · 06-01-2012, 04:52 PM

I have a bad cold.
Come to Chumphon.

**somtamslap** · 06-01-2012, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Come to Chumphon.

on the way to a full moon party. I believe Hugh should be introduced to ecstacy.

**withnallstoke** · 06-01-2012, 05:00 PM

He's welcome to some WWJ.

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