Thread: Beating your children

You are aware of course, that excluding them from the group by making them sit alone or in their room is also regarded as child abuse if not criminal and inhumane treatment, by some, and a good smack is proper and appropriate, to others.

Btw an adolescent is not a child, and should be mature enough to avoid the need to be treated as one.

I'm also of the opinion that giving him a beating is going too far. I'm guessing that if he's at college he must be around 16 years old, and really it is up to him now how seriously he takes his studies and what he makes of himself, he's almost an adult. You can have stern words with him, you can try and encourage him, but i don't feel you can attack him in a fit of rage about this and feel justified in doing so.

I think sitting him down and apologising at the same time as trying to convey that it was just the deep feeling of frustration that you feel at seeing him wasting his life is probably in order. He'll probably be able to understand it and accept the apology if he sees it was just an unfortunate and innapropriate response based on how much you care. The problem with not straightening this out with him, is that if he also feels that you are unjustified in doing this he won't forget it, and it may well affect your relationship with him in the future.

Originally Posted by English Noodles

Originally Posted by DrivingForce

really poor example..that ain't discipline it's murder.. far cry... I've seen how hard my boys have to bash themselves or each other just to get a bruise so it goes without saying, this is way OTT.. And he looks the part too...

You failed to address every one of the three questions asked at the start of my post.

Originally Posted by English Noodles

So at what age is it acceptable to beat your children up - what is the maximum acceptable injury you feel justified to inflict - where is the line drawn?

the context of your questions disqualifies them from a response from me as I do not "beat up my children"..and that's where the line is drawn to a sensible, responsible parent...

I should think that would go without saying or clarification, but i guess you require otherwise, so maybe you should give serious consideration before becoming a parent if that line is in any way not distinct to you..

Originally Posted by keda

You are aware of course, that excluding them from the group by making them sit alone or in their room is also regarded as child abuse if not criminal and inhumane treatment, by some, and a good smack is proper and appropriate, to others.

Btw an adolescent is not a child, and should be mature enough to avoid the need to be treated as one.

Hey Keda, I know what you are saying and I am no advocate of mental punishment for young kids. My point was that if gets to a point where there is a battle of wills, and a smack on the bottom only escalates the confrontation, its no point taking it further with more serious physical punishment. When it gets to that point (and some kids are just will-full by nature), its time to separate the combatants for every bodies sake.

Originally Posted by dirtydog

I feel like a real piece of shite, you don't punch kids.....

You're right, you shouldn't have done that. It sounds like you didn't inflict much in the way of physical injury, but in the end unless the physical hurt is grievous it's the humiliation that does the damage. Once tempers have cooled taking him for a man-to-man, heart-to-heart might help you get his respect back. Dishing out a beatdown won't gain his respect for you, and it will contribute to his losing self-respect.

Parents who beat their kids do it for different reasons; the stepfather who resents his adopted son's existence is not the same as a frustrated father who genuinely loves his kid, fears the path he sees the kid is on, and lashes out having reached the end of his rope. A kid will probably know when his parent is a twisted sadist as opposed to a frustrated dad. At the risk of getting all mushy, as long as he knows you love him it should still be possible to make things right.

Being a parent is just fucking impossible, I'm finding out myself that the best you can do is try not to fuck them up too much.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself

Originally Posted by Fast Eddie

I'm guessing that if he's at college he must be around 16 years old

15 as already stated.

^80^
Sure a time out doesn't hurt and gives both sides a chance to think, or at least settle down, but few elements of a parent/child relationship can be pigeonholed as black or white, and ultimately discipline is just one of many things that should be left for the parents to decide.

Shouldn't need to be mentioned but of course within reason, assuming reasonable parents wanting the best for the kids, and imho it starts to go wrong as soon as gov and courts are prodded by the pc brigade into meddling with the life defining relationship of parent and child.

i am totally against humiliating one's children for punishment that just undermines their self esteem and self confidence and I also try at all costs to avoid ever hitting them in the face. I think it is more disrespectful than it is disciplinary...so it teaches same.. usually a finger thump on the 'noggin' as my dad used to call it does the trick just fine and bending over that low to whack their tail is often not an option..I like to call it an attention getter...

Where is DD? he reported having difficulty with his ankle last night, like it going numb or something when he stood up which didn't sound to good, hope he didn't have a stroke over that much exertion or stressing or something??

D.D.
Not a perfect world, no perfect parents or perfect kids.
You have already learned your lesson, your kid probably hates you, the
sought of deep male hate that goes deep down and one day it may errupt
violently and generally in full force in your direction. I know I had
to let my expectations of my kids go, because they were mine, not there's.
Still only two ways, these days it's the hard way for the 'y' generation.

Take this on board because you can see it now, take your kid and go see an independant person. Drop your whole load in front of your boy, apologise, shake hands (because he understands this). Hand the reins over to him, because he knows best anyway (they all do). Tell him your there if he needs you, because you can fed the unemployed. No handouts at all.

Join the local gym or buy the gear and vent any of your frustrations.
I don't know jack shit about you or your kid. Let the school of hard knocks drive him, be a back seat driver. Hug him heaps, he thinks your crazy anyway.

Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog

Originally Posted by Fast Eddie

I'm guessing that if he's at college he must be around 16 years old

15 as already stated.

in college at 15 WTF? should be in like 10th or 11th grade..

maybe it's me but DD said "second time in 15 years" that doesn't necessarily mean that he's only 15? but you know DD better than me, bladdy hell if he's 15 and already in college no wonder he's having problems he's already missed 2 or 3 years of additional school and maturing he should have had before this.. and Thai education is already lacking so that puts him several years behind his counterparts around the globe.. poor lad..

The thing with DD's kid is that compared with most Thai kids of his age he's a few years ahead, hence his early commencement of college. This, as you pointed out, is quite possibly the main factor in his truancy; immaturity. I'm sure the lad knows exactly why he got a beating and will hopefully realise that Dad isn't going to put up with it and will diligently attend school and make something of himself.

All people need kind attention, an open forum, and constructive and intelligent guidance----especially children. Fighting or corporal punishment is for situations that have gone beyond diplomatic means and are acts of desperation. Try to remain calm and be honest with yourself. Discuss the infractions directly and encourage a hard debate of the issue, whether it be manners, responsibility, consequences, etc. There's absolutely no reason to physically harm anyone, unless of course they're trying to harm you or your kin.

Well put Bugin.
I very rarely spank my girls but in extreme cases its needed. On the backside only and I explain later why I had to do it.
Its not something I regard as part of normal discipline.

• Physical punishment, when administered regularly, increases antisocial behavior such as lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, assaulting a sibling or peers, and lack of remorse for wrongdoing.
• Physical punishment increases the risk of child abuse.
• Physical punishment serves as a model for aggressive behavior and for inappropriate ways of dealing with conflict.
• Physical punishment erodes trust between a parent and child.
• Physical punishment adversely affects cognitive development.
• Adults who were hit frequently as children are likely to suffer from depression and other negative social and mental health outcomes.

Effects of Corporal Punishment


NB. I don't post this as criticism or as offering an opinion. Just information. My view is that there is far to little authoritative information on the subject available in user friendly form for the modern parent.

The effects of corporal punishment stretch far and wide. The oft stated response of "Well, it didn't do me any harm" needs close scrutiny. IMHO.

Can't say I agree with the corporal punishment sentiment - especially bashing a 15-year old . . . and now DD feels like crap for it . . . doesn't help anyone or anything.

Most I've done is slapped the eldest one's hand . . . and the littlest one - she's a real hard case.

My girls just hate it when I sit them down and talk/bore them to death - punishment enough

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT - philosophical study

This is good. Worthy reading for all parents.