Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

“As a matter of fact I have,” she answered. “I’ve been divorced three times and I voted for Obama.”

I'm sure the original was..
“I’ve been divorced three times and I voted for both Bushes.”

The difference between Heaven and Hell?


Heaven is when you have:

American salary
German car
Chinese Food

Thai wife

Hell is when you have:

American wife
German food
Chinese car

Thai salary.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going

to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!



Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the

shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."



Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy"

he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".







An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife

says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"


He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you

put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.



Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
overhis mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour
surgical procedureA young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,'
hemumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here
towash your upper body.'


He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishlypulls back the covers.

She raises his gown,holds his penis in one handandhis testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around
gently.Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure
you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir !'The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....




' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Laosy's daughter asked me. "Dogcatcher, what killed my cat?"
"Curiosity" I replied. "I was curious to find out how long it would last underwater".

Flights to England are cancelled again due to the dust cloud caused by the opening of the Liverpool trophy cabinet

I saw Jonathan Ross in a pub the other night and offered to buy him a large scotch before he drove home.

But he said that would be two whiskey !

Got one of them Anti-Bullying wristbands yesterday. Got it off a little fat ginger cnut with glasses .

Was telling this girl in the pub that I could tell her what day she was born on just by feeling her boobs. "Nonsense - I don't believe you", she replies, so I offer to show her.

After a couple of minutes of furious fondling, she says "Go on then, what day was I born on?" " Yesterday " says me.

I thought my wife was joking when she told me the lead singer of the Monkeys had died....

But then I saw her face...

^ now I'm a believer

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely



Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.?




I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Originally Posted by daveboy

I thought my wife was joking when she told me the lead singer of the Monkeys had died....

But then I saw her face...

Hey hey we're the monk ease....

I heard the leader of the monkees had died.

RIP Nelson Mandella

Pc David Rathbands suicide note has been found, apparently it says :

. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'..

^fok

Originally Posted by daveboy

Pc David Rathbands suicide note has been found, apparently it says :

. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'..

Who is PC David Rathband?

Originally Posted by Koojo

Who is PC David Rathband?

A policeman who was blinded by being shot in the face by Raoul Moat. His wife left him a while ago and he committed suicide recently.

Tragic story.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Originally Posted by Koojo

Who is PC David Rathband?

A policeman who was blinded by being shot in the face by Raoul Moat. His wife left him a while ago and he committed suicide recently.

Tragic story.

Yes, sounds terrible.
so what's the meaning here?
I don't get it?

Pc David Rathbands suicide note has been found, apparently it says :

. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'..

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Originally Posted by Koojo

Who is PC David Rathband?

A policeman who was blinded by being shot in the face by Raoul Moat. His wife left him a while ago and he committed suicide recently.

Tragic story.

Yes, sounds terrible.
so what's the meaning here?
I don't get it?

Pc David Rathbands suicide note has been found, apparently it says :

. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'.. :. '': ..' :' :..' ": .'..

Tis supposed to be braille.

^ ah (d'oh)

Is this Koojo guy 3 fries short of a happy meal ? I see he's not the brightest crayon in the box

^ picking a fight with five posts? Brave man.

Anyway:


Disney/Pixar are going to release a film based on rabbits with disabilities.

'Watership Down's Syndromes'

I was only joking. Your joke was terrible though, Nidhogg

The wife found out what the perfect hat trick of left foot, right foot and header was when she asked me during the match last night.

That will teach her to interupt the football.