Thread: Quick Jokes

You'd have to be a POM to understand that.

some good ones here to text to the lads cheers. heres one i got. Beyonce has just found out that Roy Castle is her real father, but she said she wont be changing her surname.

His request approved,the C.N.N.news photographer quickly used his cell-phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him on his arrival.When he got to the airfield he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.He jumped in clutching his bag ,slammed the door shut and shouted "lets go".The pilot taxied out,swung the plane into the wind and took off.Once in the air the photographer instructed the pilot "fly over the valleyand make low passes,so i can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides".
"why?"asks the pilot."Because im a photographer for C.N.N."he responded "and i need to get some close-ups".The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.Finally he stammered "so what your telling me is ,your NOT my flight instructor"

Woman in labour, shouting all the usual obscenities " get this thing out of me " and " yes I'll have ALL the drugs " etc etc. Turns to her partner and screams " this is your fault, you fucker, you did this to me !" He casually replies " if you remember correctly, I wanted to put it up your arse but you said 'piss off it'll be too painful'.

I was asked to do a 10 mile 'fun run'. I said no thanks.
They said "come on it's for spastics and blind kids".
Then I thought... yeah why not, I could win this.

Quick jokes?

Manchester United thought they could beat Barcelona.

^ Now, that is funny!
Sad, but funny...

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

30 years together and the wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush.....

So if anyone knows a better way to to get dog shit off of joggers, I'm all ears.

Originally Posted by crippen

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Squeeze a golfball under your armpit when the nurse takes your pulse.
Now that really scares them.
All the bells ring and the defibrillator trolley appears in 15 seconds.

SHE----"is my cleavage a bit too much in this dress?"
HE------"do you have a hairy chest?"
SHE-----"No"
HE-----"in that case,your cleavage IS a bit too much!"

Not wanting the same bad press that they had with Diana, the Queen and Prince Phillip have invited Kate Middleton and her family around for tea and Cucumber sandwiches.

Got to feel sorry for my sister, she gave up sex years ago because she was worried about getting aids, now sh'e caught e.coli off a cucumber.

Originally Posted by Neo

Got to feel sorry for my sister, she gave up sex years ago because she was worried about getting aids, now sh'e caught e.coli off a cucumber.

Her partner, who got off by biting the said cucumber, has been tested but has the all clear.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30 this morning,can you believe that? 2.30am

Luckily i was still playing my bagpipes.
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I sat on a train this morning oppsoite a stuning thai girl.I kept saying to myself please don't get an erection,please don't get an erection... but she did.

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said i had the biggest penis she had ever laid hands on.

I said your pulling my leg.
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says what do you expect your in a wheel chair.

My girlfriend thinks i'm a stalker,Well she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I woke uo last night to find the ghost of gloria gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first i was afraid ................. i was petrified ........

Originally Posted by bobo746

My girlfriend thinks i'm a stalker,Well she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I woke uo last night to find the ghost of gloria gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first i was afraid ................. i was petrified ........

Good ones. Out of green unfortunately so please give yourself one on my behalf.

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time – just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere today, it was great!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.


Talk about Dyson with death.


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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

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An old lady is being examined by the doctor.

He asks "Have you ever been bedridden?"

She says "Yes, by my first husband."

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.


She said "I would like to come back as a cow."



I said "You're obviously not bloody listening."


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The wife has been missing a week now.


Police said to prepare for the worst.



So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I was chatting up a bird the other night and I said "you remind me of my little toe"
"aww" she said "do you mean I'm small and cute?"
I said "no, I mean I'm going to bang you on my coffee table later"

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! Spooky or what?.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.



Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt.

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The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!


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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.


I woke up this morning with a huge correction


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Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line.


She’s not bothered about the knickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back!


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Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them.


When I said “Wave” they legged it!





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I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of bollocks.


Who'd put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?


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Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they'll put him where he can do no harm to anyone – up front for Aston Villa


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