Jokes...

[Harry]

Sale Now On...

Why do women love to suck Circumcised Cocks?

Because they can't resist anything with 10% off

Two friends, a blond n a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop were the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'

The blond looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?

The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and i just don't feel like spending the next five days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blond says, 'DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE?'

[Captain Sensible]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NOT COME WORK TODAY

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, Boss I not come work
today, I leally sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."

The Boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Captain Sensible]

Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
33. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"

[Captain Sensible]

How ter spik nu zild


Topical this but if you are listening to New Zealanders on the media over the next few weeks you will find this invaluable........

For bist effict rid them out loud

Milburn - capital of Victoria

Peck - to fill a suitcase

Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects

Pigs - for hanging out washing with

Pump - to act as agent for prostitute

Pug - large animal with a curly tail

Nin tin dough - computer game

Munner stroney - soup

Min - male of the species

Mess Kara - eye makeup

McKennock - person who fixes cars

Mere - Mayor

Leather - foam produced from soap

Lift - departed

Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman

Kittle crusps - potato chips

Ken''s - Cairns

Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim

Jungle Bills - Christmas carol

Inner me - enemy

Guess - vapour

Fush - marine creatures

Fitter cheney - type of pasta

Ever cardeau - avocado

Fear hear - blonde

Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen

Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym

Duffy cult - not easy

Amejen - visualise

Day old chuck - very young poultry

Bug hut - popular recording

Bun button - been bitten by insect

Beard - a place to sleep

Chully Bun - Esky

Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers

Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline

Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests

Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden

One Doze - well known computer program

Sux - one less than sivven

Iggs Ecktly - Precisely

Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport

[machangezi]

Old Couple

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said,

"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged
them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.

We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare."

[machangezi]

Essex Blonde
Two blonde girls from Essex walk into a department store. They
walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That's quite nice, don'tcha fink, Susan."

"Yeah. Wot's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? Wot's that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again
saying,

"That don't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to
you?"