I bought some Jamie Oliver sausages from Sainsbury"s the other day. On the side of the packaging it said "Prick with a fork".

The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mummy said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."