I watch an insalubrious quota of cookery programs.

I've recently been feasting on three year old episodes of Masterchef U.S.A, featuring judges Gordon Ramsey, a Scotch twat with anger issues, Graham Elliot, a fat kunt who looks and sounds like porky the pig, and Joe Bastianich, a miserable bastard who thinks he's the fucking godfather.

Yesterday I inadvertently clicked on Masterchef Junior. It immediately incited hatred.

"Hi I'm Chip, nine years old from Long Beach, California, and today I'm going to a be cooking pan-seared venison with a mango glaze, served on a bed of garlic and basil infused mashed potatoes with a side of roasted seasonal vegetables."

" Hi I'm Nadia, two years old from Staten Island, New York, and today I'm going to be preparing you grilled pepper stuffed lobster tail with a side of kimchi and a homemade tartare sauce."

Right you bastards.

Get a load of this.

"Hi I'm Slap, 36 years old from the middle of the fucking jungle, and today I'm going to make you a poached egg sandwich...



Bow before you master, impotent fools!

Task number one: Eggs

You should create a stunning egg dish using one of the these four mediums:

Fried

Poached

Scrambled

Omelet


A winner's poll for this first task will be added ten days from now...

3...2...1....GO!

By the way, the poached egg pictured is the best I've ever cooked - hence the photo.

I used a Jedi mind trick to stop the white from dispersing and turning into a selection of useless bits.

Great eh?