Thread: Master Chef TeakDoor 2014

I watch an insalubrious quota of cookery programs.

I've recently been feasting on three year old episodes of Masterchef U.S.A, featuring judges Gordon Ramsey, a Scotch twat with anger issues, Graham Elliot, a fat kunt who looks and sounds like porky the pig, and Joe Bastianich, a miserable bastard who thinks he's the fucking godfather.

Yesterday I inadvertently clicked on Masterchef Junior. It immediately incited hatred.

"Hi I'm Chip, nine years old from Long Beach, California, and today I'm going to a be cooking pan-seared venison with a mango glaze, served on a bed of garlic and basil infused mashed potatoes with a side of roasted seasonal vegetables."

" Hi I'm Nadia, two years old from Staten Island, New York, and today I'm going to be preparing you grilled pepper stuffed lobster tail with a side of kimchi and a homemade tartare sauce."

Right you bastards.

Get a load of this.

"Hi I'm Slap, 36 years old from the middle of the fucking jungle, and today I'm going to make you a poached egg sandwich...



Bow before you master, impotent fools!

Task number one: Eggs

You should create a stunning egg dish using one of the these four mediums:

Fried

Poached

Scrambled

Omelet


A winner's poll for this first task will be added ten days from now...

3...2...1....GO!

By the way, the poached egg pictured is the best I've ever cooked - hence the photo.

I used a Jedi mind trick to stop the white from dispersing and turning into a selection of useless bits.

Great eh?

Originally Posted by somtamslap

"Hi I'm Slap, 36 years old from the middle of the fucking jungle, and today I'm going to make you a poached egg sandwich...

No mention of weight, i see.

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

No mention of weight, i see.

Hi I'm Slap and I'm not in the least bit overweight. I even caught a rare glimpse of my gland last June.

It should come in around 400g including bread.

Originally Posted by Iceman123

It should come in around 400Kg including head.

Fixed for you.

As Ramsey would say,you fecking idiot i can't eat that its disgusting you never added any vinegar to the poaching water.
Not even fit for a soi dog to eat,now get out of my kitchen.
Personally i think looks very tasty Mr Slap good effort.

Originally Posted by klong toey

As Ramsey would say,you fecking idiot i can't eat that its disgusting you never added any vinegar to the poaching water.
Not even fit for a soi dog to eat,now get out of my kitchen.
Personally i think looks very tasty Mr Slap good effort.

Nonsense!
Vinegar is not necessary if one knows what they're doing....

Ramsey should know. Yet, he was manufactured and conditioned by formal culinary training. Never explored other possibilities....and techniques.

All aside, he's always been more than a bit of a wanker.
Shit doesn't stink and all that, etc...

Originally Posted by Headworx

^^The thing with Ramsey is he seriously can cook. There's a show on True tv he does called something like '100 recipes to stake your life on' and he comes across as a very decent guy. So why he turns into a complete arsehole on his other shows while screaming his lungs out at amateur cooks who are trying their best is beyond me. Just for the ratings or is he genuinely a 24 Karat arsehole?.

^Agreed NR. There's only so much you can do with an egg!. What about things like fish or pasta or lamb sort of thing, or are they scheduled for later challenges after weeding out the bad egg cooks!?.

Ever worked in restaurants?
All head chefs are cnuts..

Fuck that egg looks terrible.

Originally Posted by klong toey

you never added any vinegar to the poaching water

I ruddy well did, you know. Balsamic at that.

Still turned out shit.

Oh and I tried creating a whirlpool in the water prior to that attempt. It does not, repeat, does not work. The egg white slinked off into the ether, never to be seen or heard from again.

That's heading in the direction of eggs benidict.
All you need is a slice of ham and some hollandaise sauce.
I've tried the whirlpool thing as well, doesn't work, ramsey's an idiot.
Bread looks good.

Originally Posted by Fondles

Fuck that egg looks terrible.

A charming critique.

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Originally Posted by Fondles

Fuck that egg looks terrible.

A charming critique.

Mate it look like an egg yolk sitting atop a pile of coagulated sperm.

Originally Posted by Fondles

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Originally Posted by Fondles

Fuck that egg looks terrible.

A charming critique.

Mate it look like an egg yolk sitting atop a pile of coagulated sperm.

Thanks for explaining, didn't realise that was the egg.
I thought slapper had coughed into the bowl.

Bow to the Master, Charleyboy. And his bread with crust.

wel wel, we have our own Gordon Ramsay

Originally Posted by Koojo

That's heading in the direction of eggs benidict.

A possibility for the tournament - any takers?

Did you notice how I positioned the only condiment worth its salt (exceptionally good pun intended) at the forefront of the background. Makes me look both rich and hunky, I feel.

Originally Posted by Dillinger

Bow to the Master, Charleyboy.

Yes Charles, bow. I command thee!

Take your word for it Fondles - my jism tends to terminate in my lady's birth canal.

But interesting little recipe you have there.

Originally Posted by Fondles

Mate it look like an egg yolk sitting atop a pile of coagulated sperm.

A vibrant yolk, expectant of both fork and palate, sat abreast an enlivened impeccably seasoned white - I think you'll find.

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

I thought slapper had coughed into the bowl.

Or farted.

On that bombshell....

Any takers?

looks like a gob of lung butter to me.

Err..would it be possibly for people to please stop cunting off my FUCKING POACHED EGG.

How about a nice omelet...


Or a benedict, as Koojo suggested...



Or perhaps a fluffy scrambled offering...