The UK Today

[shehiredahitman]

A judge has thrown out a ridiculous assault charge brought against a 12-year-old boy who lobbed a cocktail sausage at an elderly neighbour during an argument.


He said it sounded like something from the adventures of Just William - Richmal Crompton's mischievous schoolboy - first published in 1922.
This got me wondering what William might be up to today...

It all began when William's aunt, who was going cold turkey that morning, gave him a shilling to fetch some vodka and 20 Silk Cut from the off-licence. William shoplifted the goods and kept the money.
"Says here in the paper that a boy's got took to court for throwing a sausage at an old man," said his auntie. "You wouldn't do nuffink like that, would yer, William?"
"Nah, I'd stripe the old bastard and put the boot in when he goes down," said William.
He went straight to the corner shop to spend his windfall. "Gimme sixpenn'orth of glue and a paper bag," he said. "You're not going to sniff it, are you?" asked Mr Patel.



"None of your business, pal," said William, taking his Stanley knife from his satchel. "Just hand it over, else I'll cut you."

"Get out, I'm calling the police," said the exasperated shopkeeper, reaching under the counter for the baseball bat he kept for such circumstances, which had become a regular occurrence since foot patrols were withdrawn and PC Dixon, the home beat officer, was transferred to the diversity unit.
"See if I cares, you know they ain't gonna come out. They're all up at the airport, fighting them hippies. Anyway, there ain't bin a cozza round these parts for years."
William laughed contemptuously and helped himself to a six pack of Special Brew and a case of Bacardi Breezers on the way out.
"If yous still got ideas about calling the filth, you better hope they can put out fires, if you get my drift."
Mr Patel decided it wasn't worth giving chase. He'd been burned out three times already. Even when the police did catch one of these feral kids, the courts always let them off with a slap on the wrist.
There was supposed to be an automatic five-year sentence for carrying a blade, but it was never enforced.
And the last time he had chased a young thug, he had been dragged before the court himself - charged with assault and taking the law into his own hands.

No wonder Mr Patel was thinking of moving to Florida and opening a 7-Eleven, what with the crime and all these new immigrants. The congestion charge had all but killed off his business and since the smoking ban his takings had fallen still further.
William turned left at the old village hall - now the Abu Hamza Mosque - and passed the allotments, where members of the travelling community had set up camp and were busily sorting through some stolen lawnmowers and scrap metal, next to a Tarmac lorry and a pile of blazing car tyres.
He headed to the derelict bandstand in the overgrown park, where the cricket pavilion was covered in graffiti, the swings and roundabouts had been demolished on the orders of 'elf and safety and the boating lake was filled with rubbish.
Things had got worse since the epidemic of fly-tipping which started when the council stopped weekly refuse collections and began charging people extra for emptying their bins.
Still, thought William, it's an ill wind. There was nothing he liked more than truanting from school and shooting the rats who were attracted to all the overflowing bin bags and discarded fast food cartons.
He'd bought the gun off an Eastern European gangster who ran a people-trafficking racket and sold illegal weapons on the side.
William's paper round money didn't run to an AK-47, so he took to dealing drugs, £1 wraps of heroin from Afghanistan, which he knocked out behind the bike sheds at the Nelson Mandela Middle School.
Once, William had got caught, but he was let off with a caution seeing as how he was below the age of criminal responsibility.
Not that William would have minded going to court. It would have been a bit of an adventure. He fancied an Asbo. All the other kids had at least one.
The Outlaws were waiting for him at the pavilion, along with that annoying minx, Violet Elizabeth Bott. She was a spoiled brat, always hanging around.
William put up with her because her dad was a rich man, made a lot of a money from wind farms, apparently, though William had never heard of anyone farming wind before.
Now Violet's dad was a member of the House of Lords. Mr Brown, William's father, said he only got his peerage because he gave a lot of money to the Labour Party. And he was rumoured to have a house in Barbados. William didn't know where Barbados was, but it was said that the Prime Minister spent his holidays at Lord Bott's house.
William's father was bitter because after he lost his job at the bank, he discovered that his pension was worthless. He took to drink and was reduced to selling the Big Issue outside the railway station.
William's mum used to work as a receptionist at the cottage hospital but that was closed down because of the 'Cuts'.
William thought that might be why Dr Rafsanjani had blown himself up at the local bus station.
Brushing aside the discarded syringes, William sat on the steps of the pavilion, tipped the glue into the paper bag and inhaled deeply. He took a swig of Special Brew and handed the bag to the gang.
"I want some, give it to me," said Violet Elizabeth Bott, who had recently had a serpent tattooed on the base of her spine and announced that she wanted to be known as Vi B.
"Get lost, bitch," said William. "I'll scweam and scweam until I'm sick," hollered Vi B.
"Shut up, unless you want a slap. Soon as you're old enough I'm putting you on the game," said William.
"We goin' burglin' agin?" asked one of the Outlaws.
"Nah, burglin's borin," yawned William, as the glue fumes hit the spot. "Hey, you lot. I've got a wizard wheeze. Let's carjack ourselves an SUV and go joyridin' down the precinct. Maybe do a bit of drive-by shootin'.
"I wouldn't mind a pop at the Acacia Avenue Posse, teach them a bit of respect, innit."
"I want to come," scweamed Vi B, fingering the cheap ring in her pierced navel, which had turned septic.
"Carjackin's not for girls," said William. "Shopliftin's more your girls' lark. Why don't you scoot off down the arcade and see if you can thieve me one of them new iPhones. Then I might just let you have a sniff of this glue." "But I could get nicked," protested Vi B.
"About as much chance of that as getting a vote on the European Constitution," said William, popping the seal on another can of wife-beater.
"Anyway, even if you do, it's no sweat. Just plead yuman rites."
"What's yuman rites?" asked Vi B, sucking a Bacardi Breezer.
"Them's things what means you don't ever get punished properly, no matter what you've done. I heard you can even get away with stabbing a headmaster to death." "Ree-ealy?" "Yes, really. Now go and liberate me an iPhone, but don't do nuffink stupid like throwing a sausage at no one, uvverwise the Old Bill will be all over you like a cheap suit."

Anybody want to see more of the what the UK is today visit Richard Littlejohn's archive

Yo! Just William and the glue sniffers | the Daily Mail

[The Gentleman Scamp]

Classic RLJ but always soberingly real.

That said, The Sun is one of the things I would banish from the UK if I had the power.

I would also line up all the hoodies, hands cuffed behind their back - and I would spray them with petrol, light it and let them burn for about 5 seconds before putting them out with a fire extinguisher and sending them on their way with their trakkie tops melted onto their skin and their hair gone.

Refuse them hospital treatment also.

[AntRobertson]

Classic RLJ but always soberingly real

Johann Hari would undoutably dispute that. He handed Littlejohn's arse to him - figuratively speaking of course.

Although with Littlejohn you never quite know, the man doth protest to much, he might actually enjoy it. Figuratively speaking.

[shehiredahitman]

Italics from Wiki

Hari describes himself as a "European social democrat". He supports the Labour government. He is also a republican. He has written that Britain has begun to "abuse" refugees and asylum seekers in recent years.

Abuse? Hang on - Give me a break. They are doing very, very nicely over here on the back of the working man's taxes. There has been a recent asylum amnesty which has placed all these people at the front of the housing & benefit queues. Most are driving cars some of us can only dream about.

In 2004, Hari appeared as a guest on Richard Littlejohn' Sky programme and challenged him about his claims that an asylum seeker could claim hundreds of pounds per week in benefits.

Income Support = £60 a week
Housing Benefit = £100 a week
Free Healthcare = £ unlimited
Furniture Grants = £3000 one off payment
For Each Child = £22 a week

That list is endless. Littlejohn should have ripped him apart. I will look for a transcript of that conversation later.

[AntRobertson]

That list is endless. Littlejohn should have ripped him apart. I will look for a transcript of that conversation later.

Yeah but the point is he didn't. In fact, despite banging on and on about it all on an almost twice weekly basis his only response when challenged on the issue by Hari was: 'I don't know'.

Unsurprisingly Hari had researched the issue and did have the numbers to hand. I can't recall the details but suffice to say they were markedly lower than what Littlejohn had been claiming.

They are doing very, very nicely over here on the back of the working man's taxes. There has been a recent asylum amnesty which has placed all these people at the front of the housing & benefit queues. Most are driving cars some of us can only dream about.

Do you have the actual figures, SHAHM?

[shehiredahitman]

Do you have the actual figures, SHAHM?

I have them living next door.

I know what you mean though & I haven't got the official numbers, but I do know what the weekly payout is for them. It is pretty much as I stated above. There are probably a few 'grants' & 'crisis loans' that I've not mentioned, too. Do you mean figures as in how much cash they recieve a week?

If they are not on Income Support then they are on the sick, with all the extra cash that generates you will find it is likely most of them.

Remember that mob who hijacked an airliner & claimed asylum here about five years ago? They have five cars in the drive (not one over two years old) & the money they recieve is well over £1000 a week.

[AntRobertson]

Do you mean figures as in how much cash they recieve a week?

Yeah that's the one. Presuming multiple benefits/grants/whatever what the 'average' would be. I've looked but can't find it.

For the record personally I think both Littlejohn and Hari are both idiots, just different types of idiots.

Hari plays on the 'poor minority' card too much and Littlejohn is an alarmist who panders to his audiences fears particularly when it comes to immigrants (ironic considering he lives in the US most of the time) - plus he also has an unhealthy obsession with buggery for some reason.

[keda]

Nothing new about working the system.

Almost 7 years gone from UK and with the exception of two morticians friends, you could not credit my dozen or so frequent visitors with a single day's work in the past couple of decades. Could be why the masses sneak through other welcoming countries and risk their lives to enter the UK.

It's falling apart, and they ignore it by chasing their tails.

[shehiredahitman]

Do you mean figures as in how much cash they recieve a week?

Yeah that's the one. Presuming multiple benefits/grants/whatever what the 'average' would be. I've looked but can't find it

It would take me forever to list the individual sources but a ganders at the DWP (Departent Work Pensions) site will tell you what they can claim & these guys don't miss a trick.

To put it simply :

Income Support = £60 a week or Sickness Benefit = £65
Housing Benefit = anything between £100 - £400 a week depending on the size of the family
Child Benefit = £22 for the first kid, £16 for the second & so on
Council Tax benefit = £100 a month minimum (variable according to area)
Healthcare = £ the sky's the limit
Resettlement grants £3000
Furniture grants = £3000

Ant I would love to go on but this is the bare minimum these guys get. There are so many other benefits out there they are claiming it's making my head hurt to think about it.

On average, a family of two with a couple of kids will recieve, every week, £500 - £600. Nice work if you can get it.

If one of them is disbled they get a brand new motor, tax & insurance paid for, & another new car every three years.

Hardly the 'abuse' Hari was talking about. I just can't figure why Littlejohn didn't take him down. I can only assume he was bored of him as Littlejohn isn't the kind of guy to answer with 'I don't know' - even if he doesn't know!

I will get back to this later on after I've got some hard, quotable information on it.