The DJ Pat and Smeg's love diary: All the details....

[DJ Pat]

we first met by chance on the BTS. A chance glance to my right when I heard the ringtone of ''You ain't seen nothing yet'' had me feeling that something was about to happen, it was just one of them days.

''Hello, do you work for ECC?'' I asked, assuming he TEFL-ed due to his somewhat casual, unkempt attire.

''Yeah, I sweep the classrooms after the classes, it pays for my beer and naughty stuff hehe'' He gave me the first of many childish smirks which I would later fall in love with.

''Fancy a drink later?'' I enquired by chance, ''Just that after my next class at Bertlitz I'm at a loose end, where do you fancy?''

''Where you always go'' Smeg replied, winking susupiciously.

''Always go? What do you mean?''

''I have seen you around a lot''

''Yeah? Where?''

''Big Johns''

''We can't go there, John wouldn't like it if he knew I was on a date with you'' I said, hurriedly. ''Let's try somewhere around Ekkamai, shall we?''

''Ok, as long as I get lucky tonight'' Smeg said under his breath.

''Eh? You say something?'' I enquired.

''No, nothing, I just said that I've got to pass by the morgue later''

''What? Why the hell would you wanna do that?''

''My girlfriend''

''Oh right, she must work there, right?''

''Well'' Smeg continued, ''It's rather complicated''

TO BE CONTINUED....

[jandajoy]

Hmm. this has potential...

[Loy Toy]

TO BE CONTINUED....

So your gunna let us in on the rumour about Smeg being a girlfriend serial killer?

[Stinky]

Riveted, absolutly riveted DJ

[baldrick]

pats memories of the first kiss , and the first time he plugged smegs date.

riveting

[smeden]

maybe some pics to?

[kingwilly]

and you idiots bump this dribble by replying ..............











































oh crap.

[chitown]

The DJ Pat and Smeg's love diary

[DJ Pat]

PART TWO...

''You got changed fast, thought you were coming straight from work'' I asked, puzzled.

''My work dungarees are folded up into this laptop bag, so is my shirt, trousers and tie, and my fake company ID card I wear to impress other expats, genius, eh?''

''Yeah, well, each to their own I suppose, where is the laptop then?''

''Ain't got one...well I had one, but sold it to Bangkok Phil''

''Why Phil? I thought he avoided all correspondence with you like the plague''

''The guys a closet job, we've been out and all that'' Smeg was now gesturing sideways with his face, as if I should be privy to some in-joke or something, but to be honest I was confused. On one hand I just wasnted to get him into bed - after he'd showered of course - and on the other he sort of disturbed me. This wasn't what I imagined when I saw him on the BTS. I just fancied a no-strings quickie.

I should have stuck to my original plan of hanging round the toilets in Tops supermarket, Asoke. That was a sure thing at all times. Now I would have to purchase beers and god knows what else.

''I'll order a jug of Singha, ok?'' Smeg had hardly sat down and was gesturing over a gay looking waiter. The waiter was pig ugly with a quiff and baggy jeans halfway down his arse. The fashion these days. Can't even look at his ass. What's the fucking world coming to.

''Yeah, ok, this beer garden's new right? I've heard this band though...where? Oh yeah at the Suan Lum night bazarr''

''You loitered - sorry, eaten there then? I used to go there with the girlfriend before I erm - we split up I mean'' A bead of sweat ran down Smegs brow.

''I'm gonna go take a piss'' I strode off to the toilets.

As I exited the toilets I saw Smeg joking with the camp waiter, and sighed to myself. ''Oh no'' I thought to myself. ''He's trying to make me jealous''. I sat down and downed a full glass of beer. Several ice cubes fell down my front as I drained the bottom of the glass.

''I said no fucking ice'' I spluttered. ''What is it with these people?''

''The locals are stupid sometimes aren't they..no wonder I'm heading home in a few months, I'm glad you're not one of those types that is always on the defensive about Thai culture, you know, Thai this, Thai that, Thais do this for a reason and they can't help this and that blah blah...what is that word......?''

I changed the subject to try and cheer him up. Again he appeared defensive.

''Where's home then?''

''The UK''

''Yeah I know that, but where?''

''England, dummy'' Smeg playfully squeezed my arm, the first flirting move of the already late evening.

''Yes I know but where you from in England?''

''Erm....B..........the south west ....''

''Want another jug?'' I gave up, some english 'expats' were always cagey about their origins, and I wasn't gonna delve that deep anyway -- into his origins, that is. He'll tell me he's SAS next.

''We're gonna hang around til 1, is that ok?'' Smeg had a devious smirk on his face, a smirk I'd later learn to know very well.

''Why? ..I don't mind, but why?''

''That guy's coming with us, the staff, the quiffy lad, you know, the waiter guy, the airy fairy...do you mind?..I mean the bed's big enough isn't it?''

''Bed? Eh? I thought you had to go to the mortuary, sorry, morgue''

''Oh yeah, shit, I forgot.....damn........I can't get out of it, thanks for reminding me....fuck...shit....Let's get this out the way first shall we?''

''Get what out the way?''

''Me, you and the waiter...threesome''

''You're presumptious, aren't you?''

''You know you want it''

''I'm not that kind of bloke''

''I'll be gentle, don't worry.......I'll call my mate Jarvis''

''What for?...I'll have you know that I don't recieve, only give, I've got haemorroids at the moment anyway, caught it off a toilet seat in the Foodland toilets down Sukhumvit 5...probably off some sweaty African bloke''

''Jarvis likes to watch...he's a closet poofter who's living a charade, anyway he just likes watching and well....he might undo his flies and ......look, he's this problem so not to worry''

''What problem? Is he gonna rape me or something?''

''He's impotent, can't get it up''

TO BE CONTINUED ONCE AGAIN....

[crippen]

[Stinky]

All good stuff Pat, keep it coming

[Butterfly]

can't read all that silly drivel,

did he cum in your mouth or what ?

[Norton]

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode. And now a word from our sponsors.

[Gerbil]

^ appropriate address

[filch]

Clearly you're keeping busy back in 'Great Britain' Pat.

Fvck me. Put some of that misspent creativity in your next job interview!

[Chairman Mao]

Foking hell.

Imagine being DJ Pat.

[Muadib]

I wonder how Scampy got hold of Pat's password...

[DJ Pat]

COMING UP IN THE NEXT PART: Is DJ Pat's cousin a bloke dressed up?

Watch this space.