American Women - Bill Of Rights

[chitown]

Preamble:
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.

Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.

Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.

Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.

Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?

Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.

Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.

[chitown]

Pinched from Craigslist - and there should be about 60 more demands as I found it on Chicago Craigs and I know these Beluga Whales quite well.........

[stroller]

Is this supposed to be funny?

[DrAndy]

I don't think so

why did you ask?

[chitown]

I just found it to be so truthful about the women from Chicago.

Is this supposed to be funny?

[flash]

This is from 1955, how did things take such a wrong turn in 53 years??

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

[English Noodles]

Women, generaly speaking are a crazy fucked up bunch of people, i do love them though and they certainly love me.

[Jet Gorgon]

We rule.

[English Noodles]

We rule.

You could be right.

[bkkmadness]

Women had it easy then a group of them decided to start moaning and change the status quo.

I mean, you take all the feminist brainwashing that I think no women of a reasonably young age can deny they have been subjected to, and think about what really happened.

One minute they was at home, feet up, wash a few dishes, maybe mop the floor, but other than that a cup of tea and a chat with the neighbours, maybe a bit of afternoon tv and now they are sent out to work 40 hours a week, expected to have a career, and know about about all sorts of manly crap from football to cars.

Kinda shot themselves in the foot didn't they?

[flash]

^a gutsy reply, cue the women of TD....................

[kingwilly]

women, if they didnt have pussies, we'd throw rocks at them!

[bkkmadness]

They can bring it on, any right minded person thinking about it would know that the men of the last century pulled the greatest scam of all time.

They got millions and millions of women off their arses, away from the television and out working.

And the real killer is, they let the women think they won.

[kingwilly]

They got millions and millions of women off their arses, away from the television and out working.

but it hasnt made them get any thinner...

[Jet Gorgon]

They can bring it on, any right minded person thinking about it would know that the men of the last century pulled the greatest scam of all time.

They got millions and millions of women off their arses, away from the television and out working.

And the real killer is, they let the women think they won.

Sure. It was you boys and your love of fighting. WWII. Then, we took over.

[bkkmadness]

I love it, the biggest hoax in the world and pulled by our Grandpas lads, the people that made woman want to work! What a creative con!

One minute, a husband goes out and works all day, and gives the wife who stays at home (with no boss, no work deadlines, no places to be) a sum of cash every month and maybe a bite out to eat and a trip to the cinema.

^ Now who has the losing cards here, easy to see right?

Next minute, we are sending women out to work, make them want to pay half for everything and when they bother us about going out tell them to "go out with their friends".

Because they've all working now aren't they, we don't have to spend our money taking them out anymore. They've got money in their pockets and the best part is, we didn't give it to them! Luvly jubbly!

Save a fair bit on housekeeping costs if your woman goes out to work.

"Yep, if you really want to pay rent, no problem. If it makes you feel equal, I'm a modern man and I respect that. Anyway, I'm off down the pub."

What a masterstroke by our forefathers! We made women want to make their own money and spend their own money, and not OUR hard earned cash. Fantastic!

[bkkmadness]

Sure. It was you boys and your love of fighting. WWII. Then, we took over.

Don't think about who won the battle of the sexes just for a moment Jet. The feminist part of your ego is clouding your judgement to somebody who is posting undeniable truths.

Before WWII women stayed at home whilst men were sent out to work to earn money to give them.

After WWII, we had you working right next to the men. RIGHT NEXT TO US!
It was your womankind's turn to find out what a real day's work was like!

Revenge is sweet!



And I bet you before that time many a man toiled over a hard bit of graft thinking about how his wife had the easy life at home. Not anymore right lads!

[PlanK]

I think it was during WWII that woman got to/had to find out what a real day's work was.

[bkkmadness]

Ever seen that episode of Huckleberry Finn when he got his mates to whitewash the fence by making it look fun?

That was the move our forefathers made, a perfect deception, a scam, a sleight of hand.

They took the woman's eye of their easy home life and onto our work, we made them interested about it, we showed them the money they could get from it, what they could buy with that money and we made them want to work too.

A man meets a girl these days, and it's not long before he's hearing about their job, what they want to do, even how much money they make. They are expect to list their prospects to us, whether it be over a casual dinner or drunk words in a club.

100 years ago looking good was enough.

And the twist is, we didn't swap the good looking factor for the money factor, now the men want both.

Someone asks me, a modern man what I want from a woman, 'good looking', 'own job' 'own money' are pretty high on my list.

If she's got a car, well that's just a bonus!

Gotta let them them be independent these days lads.

[November Rain]

Maddy, you're talking crap.

First: wives back in the 40's and 50's didn't have it easy. No childcare, not many household appliances, very few people had supermarkets in their towns (maybe some large US cities), rationing for the war years & quite a few years after, etc etc. So, washing would be done by hand, put through a mangle & hung out to dry. Stubborn stains would require boiling in a big pot. There is a reason why washing was traditionally done only once a week - because it took all sodding day. Ironing was done by heating a heavy cast iron iron on the stove.
Cooking would all be done from scratch. No convenience foods. No sliced bread or ready made pastry. Shopping had to be done every day (no fridges) & again took all morning going from shop to shop - no one-stop shopping. Lots of things would be grown in the garden to save money, so lets add gardening to the 'things to do' list. Young kids would be under your feet all day & the house would be cleaned top to bottom every day (otherwise the neighbours would talk). No Mr Muscle oven cleaner or Windolene for the windows. Vinegar & Bicarb of soda were more the sort of things that would be used - & a lot of elbow grease. You think women had it easy, then? Ask your Gran, Maddy. I bet she tells you different.

Secondly: You're only talking about wives. Why? Even in those days, if a woman didn't marry, she'd have to support herself by taking a job.

Thirdly: Ever thought that maybe some women today enjoy working? Having their own money? Having their own friends? Having an interest in something - whether married or not? Having the independence to choose whether to get married or stay in a relationship that's not working, because, ultimately, they can support themselves, if need be?




Having said all that, I found myself wondering, while reading Chi's OP, exactly what rights were being given to the men in these relationships in return for all those the women were demanding.

[Cujo]

Remember, he is the master of the house

Ah, those were the days.

Someone asks me, a modern man what I want from a woman, 'good looking', 'own job' 'own money' are pretty high on my list.

Own boat and motor are a plus too.

[mellow]

Most western women are a real drag, they use the unfair divorce laws as a tool to do and get whatever they want, and the husbands have to put up with whatever shit they want to dish out. I have seen many big tough guys turn into an utter pussy when the wifes around, and you can see that these poor slobs are utterly miserable and can't wait for the kids to grow up in order to get away from her. The prospect of getting married in the west is a dangerous undertaking.

[English Noodles]

The prospect of getting married in the west is a dangerous undertaking.

Yeh but it's a bed of roses in Thailand huh?

[Dalton]

We rule.

In some strange kind of way, you're absolutely right...

[bkkmadness]

Cooking would all be done from scratch. No convenience foods. No sliced bread or ready made pastry. Shopping had to be done every day (no fridges) & again took all morning going from shop to shop - no one-stop shopping. Lots of things would be grown in the garden to save money, so lets add gardening to the 'things to do' list.

Was the greatest invention of the 20th century really sliced bread? I never understood that, couldn't people just slice it?

Cooking from scratch everyday, absolute bliss. A little pastry cooking whilst looking out the front window over the vegetable patch. Perhaps pop out and later and pick some berries and make some jam. You had it made.

And then you went out working, and gardening and cooking started to be done my men. But we didn't complain, we made it fun, we made hobbies of them, we appreciated these past times then as we do now. Whilst women begged to be taken out of the garden and kitchen and demanded to go to work.

Had to go shopping everyday did they, and no one stop mind numbing supermarket shopping, but a little jaunt down to the local bakers, a trip to the fruit and veg market, cup of tea and a chat with their mates over the price of bacon. Sounds like a perfect way to spend a morning. And what did they want to exchange this for, an 8am start, no breakfast and worrying about their performance points at the annual company review.

Seems to me somebody was sold a pig ear's and was told it was a silk purse.

The 'right to work'. Well yes ok if you want it ladies, I'll get my gloves on and potter round the garden all day. You won that war didn't you.