Parents: How to handle this situation?

[zipcode]

Having dinner yesterday at a restaurant with my two sons. The younger one (age 5) points to the two patrons at the next table, and asks loudly," Dad, why is that girl dressed like a man"?

I look, and see the two patrons, both of whom have heard and are looking at me. One is a dyke, the other is the fem (sorry, I dont know the PC terms).

I explained to my son that some women dress like men, and some men like dressing like women.

"Why?"

"Well, it makes them happier."

The above dialogue was intended to be loud enough so that the neighbours in question could hear as well.

My son seemed satisfied (and I am happy that he didn't ask if he could dress like a woman), but I couldn't help feeling that I should have gone over and talked to the two ladies.

So my question is:
For those of you with kids of this age, how do you handle when your child says something like this, especially with ladyboys?

If the person of topic has noticed, do you try to converse with said person, and ensure that (s)he isnt ticked off? Or just ignore their reaction?

[And I will pre-empt any replies about "should have invited the two birds for a three-some" by stating that neither was my type]

[dirtydog]

[And I will pre-empt any replies about "should have invited the two birds for a three-some" by stating that neither was my type]

Should have bought yourself a blindfold

Anyway just ignore their reaction, if they want to dress up like freaks they have to learn that people and kids will talk about them.

[ceburat]

I think you handled the situation very well. No need to talk to the others unless they said something. Then simply say, "sorry" and leave it at that. Very normal for the boy to ask. You might caution your children to save their questions until you get back home or in the car, however, that never worked with my four children.

[chinthee]

In Thailand they are called "Toms" and "Dees." Toms are the butch dykes and Dees are the femmes, approximately.

[MeMock]

You handled it perfectly I thought.

If people want to behave differntly and draw attention to themselves then they obviously are expecting a reaction (which is what they got). No need to talk to them and apologise.

[daveboy]

I had a similar thing with my son on a crowed bus he asked me why the lady in front of us was black very embarrassing, I think you just got to accept that kids are just going to say as they find all part of growing up.

[November Rain]

Agree you handled it well. Also agree that you don't need to say anything to the other couple. Kids are always asking embarrassing questions. My way has always been to explain briefly & honestly (I really don't care much whether the people concerned hear my explanation or not). I agree, to an extent, with Memock that the couple you mentioned were making a lifestyle choice, so might have been used to such reactions. I find it more embarrassing, personally, to have the loud questions about physical disabilities or deformities, but even then I just answer the question, usually adding that it's not polite to ask questions about people like that (ie in their presence)

[Hootad Binky]

You handled it fine. I wouldn't approach them; some people really dislike children, especially after an innocent comment like that, since they also might not understand children, not having ever had any of their own.

[Texpat]

You should have told him:

The formation of gender identity and the acquisition of culturally prescribed gender-role behaviors are matters of great complexity, son.

Research has determined that outcomes in this area are powerfully determined by learning -- that is by adaptation to a host of psychosocial forces that are quite effective in shaping people to be psychosocially male or female.

But differing social environments will on ocassion produce blends or blurrings of the cultural concepts of maleness and femaleness and the impact of these invironments is typically very strong.

In other words, she's a canyon yodeler, my boy. A bonafied carpet muncher. But she knows that's wrong, so she dresses up like a boy to trick her fragile little mind to believe it's ok. It's called truth-avoidance.

[barbaro]

So my question is:
For those of you with kids of this age, how do you handle when your child says something like this, especially with ladyboys?

At 5 years of age, the sophistication of such a gender issue is beyond the cognitive ability of a.....5 year old.

Your answer seems appropriate.

What is also revealed is that your child is conscious of his world, and those around him.

When he's older you can give him more details. But by then, he'll already know and understand the situation, even if he doesn't understand the movitivations of these folks.


Oh....and by the way....I don't have any kids. I love to pontificate.

[peterpan]

My eldest girl can pick out a katoey at 10 M. "look theres another one Daddy", Happily she speaks to me in English so any embarrassing comments are not understood by others.

[nedwalk]

"out of the mouths of babes", has not every parent been put in these potential situations, i would have delt with it the same way,..can be funny sometimes, the things they say

[kingwilly]

i find the best response is to explain that they are freaks in a very loud voice and pointing at them, i then help my son collect and throw rocks at them until they run away bleeding!

BTW - i live in a trailer park and eat mcdonalds everyday.

[Jet Gorgon]

^ hehehehe. Thank you for the after-work giggle, seven-trying-timer.

"out of the mouths of babes", has not every parent been put in these potential situations, i would have delt with it the same way,..can be funny sometimes, the things they say

Ya gotta love the innocence and wonder of kids. Hold no punches and state the obvious. Sadly, in some ways, what most of us have been trained to restrain.

You did well, Zipcode. Alternatively, you could have told your son that the girl was getting ready for Hallowe'en.

[in4zip]

In Thailand they are called "Toms" and "Dees." Toms are the butch dykes and Dees are the femmes, approximately.

one more variation on the same theme is "Tom and Jerry"
where Jerry by the thais, is pronounced more like "Jelly"

[keda]

Fortunately most kids are not corrupted by politically correctness and they will say it how they see it.

[chinthee]

In Thailand they are called "Toms" and "Dees." Toms are the butch dykes and Dees are the femmes, approximately.

one more variation on the same theme is "Tom and Jerry"
where Jerry by the thais, is pronounced more like "Jelly"

One fascinating behavioral characteristic in Thailand (so I've been told by those who know), is that Toms will absolutely fawn over, and treat like queens their Dees, to the point where even sexually, the Dee receives only pleasure but doesn't give it to the Tom. The Toms will shower them with gifts etc.. In addition, the Dees sometimes are not even really lesbians, but often bi or even straight.

Don't know how true any of this is....

Back to the parenting topic. Yes, this was handled very well. And yes, my daughter could spot Katoeys at an early age in Thailand. My son was clueless.

[mrsquirrel]

Brother had the same problem with his kid but with a tranny.

Explained that some men liked to dress up as women and that there was nothing wrong with it.

Same vacation my nephew asked why that man was black. My brother is a bit of a wimp but he walked up to the black guy and asked him if he spoke English, turns out he was a Londoner. Asked him if he could help explain to his son why he was black.
I thought that was rather odd, but for some reason my brother didn't want to give the lad wrong information saying he was from Africa or something like that.
Guy was quite happy to tell my nephew about how his parents came to the UK.

[zipcode]

You should have told him:

The formation of gender identity and the acquisition of culturally prescribed gender-role behaviors are matters of great complexity, son.

Research has determined that outcomes in this area are powerfully determined by learning -- that is by adaptation to a host of psychosocial forces that are quite effective in shaping people to be psychosocially male or female.

But differing social environments will on ocassion produce blends or blurrings of the cultural concepts of maleness and femaleness and the impact of these invironments is typically very strong.

In other words, she's a canyon yodeler, my boy. A bonafied carpet muncher. But she knows that's wrong, so she dresses up like a boy to trick her fragile little mind to believe it's ok. It's called truth-avoidance.

Wow! Thanks! Printed your explanation, and read it out to him tonight. Haven't seen him fall asleep this quickly since he stopped nursing!

Now my elder son wants to know why anyone would eat carpet or what a canyon yodeler is; but I have videos to explain those things to him.

[zipcode]

Thanks all for the feedback. He understands now to whisper when talking about other people, still need to educate him about the pointing though...

[zipcode]

Alternatively, you could have told your son that the girl was getting ready for Hallowe'en.

The "tom" had at least 50 pounds and a lot more muscles than me; no way am I going to risk having their dad get the crap beat out of him by a girl!

[zipcode]

Not that it matters, but I grew up in San Francisco during the 70s and 80s, and am not homophobic at all.

[mad_dog]

A growing number of Western men seem to "marry" ladyboys. How would they explain that one to their kids from a previous marriage?

[Frankenstein]

I had a similar thing with my son on a crowed bus he asked me why the lady in front of us was black very embarrassing, I think you just got to accept that kids are just going to say as they find all part of growing up.

When my big brother was three years old he was riding on the tube with mum, sitting opposite two African chaps, one light brown and the other as black as it gets.

Brother observed the two for a while, then suddenly he pointed to the blackest man and declared, loudly: 'Mum, that negro has got a tan!'

The blackest fellow didn't understand, but his lighter-skinned friend translated for him, and they laughed for 5 minutes, and then gave my brother a little money.

[chinthee]

When I lived in London, my then 4 year old son, my wife and I used to take strolls on Sundays in Hyde Park, nearly across the street to where we lived.

That was also the day when the Saudis and other Arabs living the area used to be out in force. Many of the women were dressed head to toe in the black burqas, and as we were walking behind a large family, my son blurted out "Dad, why are there so many ghosts in this park?"

The family heard this and we all broke out laughing. No harm done.