Funniest one liners that you have heard....

**Little Chuchok** · 29-04-2017, 08:42 PM

Mate of mine ended up in a strip club in Queenstown. He was at the aftermath of a Directors meeting for a company that he works for. He is a funny fucker, but quite short. About 5'6". He wanted to go back to his hotel, when a 6'2" amazon woman sat down beside him and started talking to him.

He said "Sorry,but I was looking for somebody taller"

**Pragmatic** · 29-04-2017, 09:01 PM

Originally Posted by Little Chuchok

He said "Sorry,but I was looking for somebody taller"

And she replied 'so was I'.

**Gazza** · 29-04-2017, 09:54 PM

And then he responded with... "Well, it's better to have loved a short guy than to have never loved a tall"

**baldrick** · 29-04-2017, 09:55 PM

I was shagging the missus on the beach and I thought I would give her the seagull fcuk - on one stroke I pushed my cock into the sand and then continued shagging

she went - arp arp arp

**hick** · 29-04-2017, 10:06 PM

There's a chap at the workplace who has compiled a number of one-liners he's overheard during the course of the last two years in an office of seven teachers...with the odd admin., tech and military personnel coming through.

He had tweeted a number of them (to his 9 or so followers).

Now he's quasi-published a bit. Here are a few:

In regards to sending the Nepalese cleaner to bring back bbq chicken:

A: "He's definitely going to mess up our order."
B: "Yeah,...he'll come back with a cheeseburger and a dead cat."

On travel:

A:"I want to fly Scandinavian Air. I want one of those 6-foot, blonde flight attendants."

B:"What's his name?"

On relationships:

A:"I used to be a well-dressed man."

B:"What happened?"

A:"Paying off mortgages for women who hate me."

**mad_dog** · 29-04-2017, 10:15 PM

Just because a dog is born in a stable it doesn't make it a horse.

Bernard Manning on "Pakis"

**birding** · 30-04-2017, 08:40 AM

Heard In a pub many years ago.

"If you call me queer again I'll hit you with my handbag"

**fishlocker** · 30-04-2017, 12:50 PM

The fish to the cocain addict. One line and I too was hooked.

**VocalNeal** · 30-04-2017, 01:09 PM

In a 70's club. Guy comes up and asks if the fat guy is my mate's brother.

No he's not my brother, he's heavy.

**12Call** · 30-04-2017, 01:09 PM

"Better out than your eye"

**misskit** · 30-04-2017, 04:29 PM

While out at lunch with my parents, we ran into some friend of theirs. The wife had just come from the doctors office where the doctor had given her the results of her checkup. She pulls the document from her purse and says, cholesterol good, blood pressure good, etc. When she finishes, her husband looks at her and says, "And what did he say about that fat ass of yours?"

To which she replied deadpan, "Well, Sam, he didn't even mention you."

**12Call** · 30-04-2017, 05:06 PM

get your head out of the clouds miss

**GracelessFawn** · 30-04-2017, 07:21 PM

Behind every cloud is an airplane.

**fishlocker** · 30-04-2017, 09:12 PM

What was the last thing that went through the bugs mind as he hit the windshield?

His ass.

**fishlocker** · 30-04-2017, 09:20 PM

In trying to regain her youthful beauty my girlfriend got a mudd pack.

She looked great for two weeks.........................then the mudd fell off.

Rodney Dangerfield. Forgot the year I heard it though. He was a master of the one liner.

Me I don't get no respect. Fish seldom do unless they're sharky.

**fishlocker** · 30-04-2017, 09:25 PM

I have deleted this monkeys business myself. Don't take it personally ladies and gentlemen. I just wouldn't want to see a later rift between the Mods and the cockers.

Love to all the fish.

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