One of the many provocations f'rangs in isaan endure in their daily lives is the local shop, and it's ubiquitous concrete torture benches. Unkempt, isolated ban nok f'rangs tend to be found clustered in small groups, furtively drinking beer at these fine establishments. There, away from the loving gaze of their spouse and their comfortable chairs at home, the conversation inevitably drifts to their poor abused posterior. Some of these local establishments are favored above others, perhaps on grounds of the beer being colder, or possessing a toilet equipped with modern grimy wet tiles, or perhaps even a light that works. We locals, having experienced our fill of indigenous toilet pride, tend to favor places where you can piss outside. But I digress- the ass torture is the same, wherever you go. The beer and cigarettes merely seem to accentuate the discomfort.

To understand the evil genius of the indigenous isaan torture bench it is necessary to have a passing familiarity with the principles of ergonomics and design, as well as an appreciation of the fact this particular design is a product of the same minds that released the Tiger cage to a grateful public. The ground clearance of the bench has been ergonomically designed to require an awkward knees up posture from all but the most vertically challenged f'rangs, thus maximising the pressure of the point of contact between the victims butt, and the hard aggregated concrete bench. Ingeniously combined with the ground clearance of the adjoining concrete table, this provides an ongong torment in which as positions are changed to temporarily relieve posterior pain, skinned and serrated knees are the immediate sensory reward. In a fine example of local enterprise, locating these systems of suffering atop ravenous red ant nests, uneven muddy ground, and cramming the bench as close as possible to the table further remind the victim of his unrelenting misery and degradation.

But as they say, Freedom isn't Free. The gangrenous rusty nails that generally protrude from local bamboo Tiger cages find it very hard to penetrate a calloused Isaan butt such as my own, and thus untold lives are saved daily. Those establishments that can not yet afford the new aged concrete torture system considerately provide their victims with traditional bamboo designs, crude yet effective in their application of suffering. On the more cleverly designed of these, the fear of broken ankles and head injuries further combine to remind the victim of his position in life, as if sitting on a butt that now resembles an old fashioned washing board wasn't enough. But I digress.