Describe having your wife consumed by Thailand

[DJ Pat]

There he was, revving his tuk-tuk, sitting there making eyes at me, I was mystified...he wants to go with me? He's gesturing to me?

I was in love already. There I was, all 69KG of me, dressed down after an 18 hour flight, looking tired after no sleep whatsoever. My husband had left me at the airport in London and I had assured him I'd be just backpacking down to Koh Samui. At my age, 59, I was secretly hoping to make up for a bit of lost time (wink wink).

''I take you hotel 2000 Baht'' The gap toothed adonis winked at me. ''Velly cheap''

Take me hotel? Not half! I'd pulled within 5 mins of landing, well not really 5 mins, as I'd just queued at immigration for the last three hours even though the airport was deserted.

I clambered into the back of the ride. I winked at him as he looked over his shoulder at me, cigarette in mouth. ''Hi, my name Somchai, where you hotel?''

I thought he already had a honeymoon hovel in mind, so I made up a hotel off the top of my head. ''Paradise'' I told him. He looked puzzled. ''You sure? Velly big traffic today''

''Yes please, make it fast, I'm about to wet my underwear...''

He revved his engine and we made off toward the city. Four hours later we pulled up outside a crumbling building with a handwritten sign with an arrow pointing to Paradise hotel. Must be one of those oasis spa hotels you never hear about. Then again I did have a romantic leaning to the hotel I saw Leonardo Dicaprio stay at in The Beach movie and this seemed to fit the bill. Oh well, no spa, no colonic irrigation facilities, oh well Somchai will just have to do me a few times up the shitter instead.

Somchai took my bags upstairs for me, it was sweaty, and I was gagging for him by now. He seemed very cool about what was about to happen, and I was already fantasising about us in the shower.

We walked into the room, it was tiny, and the bathroom didn't have a shower, just a dirty bucket with a bowl. I swear there was something in the water, stringy and a light gray colour.

I paid Somchai and gestured to him to remove his trousers while showing him three thousand baht notes. His face changed and he seemed annoyed. I undid his zip and he clasped his hand on mine. Romance can be hard to initiate, maybe he's rather frigid. I pulled him close and locked lips with him. He struggled free, looked at me up and down and turned around. Then did up his zip and fled, shouting down the hall.

I must have read the signals wrong. Oh well I'll have to rely on some drunk backpacker to fill me in when I get to Koh Samui. I sat down and dozed off, I was very tired.

There was a loud knock on the door, I woke up and it was now night time. Who could that be? Has Somchai brought a mate with him to spit roast me? I bloody hoped so.

I opened the door. Wow, Somchai dressed a cop! Actually it wasn't, it was just a cop. He cuffed me and I winked at him, thinking it was a game. ''You under arrest'' He shouted as he led me out. ''What for? You got the wrong person!''

''You are rape Thai man, he tell me you do bad thing with him''

''What?''

''You go jail velly long time...I not joking, have evidence''

''What evidence?''

''Bucket in your toilet have sperm in water, Somchai tell me you make him do something bad''

Six and a half years later I had grown accustomed to the jail, the cockroaches, the muscle marys, the pathetic backpacking types who'd ignorantly smoked a joint in Koh Phangan back in 1987 and were still here. I'd been sentenced to 700 years commuted down to 234, as I had no proof that I hadn't raped him.

I had to face facts. I would never be released. My husband had written five years ago saying he'd visit me the following week then wrote again saying he was heading for Pattaya instead after being talked into it by a fellow passenger on the flight, and that I could go and fuck myself. Oh well, hard luck.

I was consumed fully by Thailand, not through choice, I'd live here until I died, I'd never be returning to the west.

I had to find something to pass the time.

Maybe I could teach english.

[ShrewedPunter]

Was this Somchai Thipwannaporn?

[ENT]

^^ + ^55555.

[DJ Pat]

[Benayahu]

Dj Pat...in my opinions your article is very enjoyable story telling...Could you please confirm this IS your writing? Would LOVE to see a follow up to the story as most enjoyable.

Signed, waiting for the next install-ment, Maven

[DJ Pat]

I don't do cut and paste. If I did I'd credit the source.

[Benayahu]

I don't do cut and paste. If I did I'd credit the source.

I thought as much!
Now please ,dont delay in giving us the next install-ment

thankyou, Maven

[DJ Pat]

Next episode?

It could be about her jail life, teaching illiterate Thai women the alphabet. But that don't sound too riveting.

Or we could take up the husband's story of him arriving in Pattaya with his new mate from the plane, Nigel ''The Tattoo'' Jones from Swansea...But that wouldn't be so original, just a bloke visiting Pattaya for the first time, being shown the flesh pots etc, and then you can guess the rest....................

.............unless............... he meets Brian ''Psycho'' Stephens and his mate Greg ''The Grease Monkey'' Allen from Hull, but that'd be a different tale altogether.

[DJ Pat]