I've banged on about all the things I did in Thailand in my years there, as anyone who knows me on this forum will know that I achieved minor notoriety in some of the activities I excelled in whilst in the Land of Smiles. Some things I missed out on, tales from fellow ajarns and expats telling me amazing acts of humanity they did or brilliant places they went to. Let me bore you with a few things I never got round to doing.

Volunteering with the hilltribes up north.

It seems that hilltribes have invaded the tourist spots and are raking in good money selling their wooden frogs, wire bracelets and phallic carvings whilst generally getting in the way on the sidewalks.

Wooden frogs: A form of welfare for hilltribes?

So why the heck would I need to volunteer helping them make even more cash? What use would I be? I'm sure they already have their expert carpenters on contracts working their asses off in sweatshops up in the hills, and as they seem more than capable of catching grubs, rodents and picking mushrooms for their village feasts, they'd hardly need me to over-season their morning porridge. I'll happily leave this assignment to the clueless gap-year students who think they are doing their bit for world peace by patronising these nouveax-rich tribal types. As long as there are gullible tourists, these tribes will continue to pull the wool over peoples eyes.

Practicing Isaan traditional dancing

I met North-eastern Thai girls who felt the need to demonstrate some of the moves involved in this exercise so outdated even the Romans passed on learning it. One girl told me that she was made to sleep with her wrists bent backwards from the age of 9 months so she would be one ahead of her classmates at school whenever they had to do a show for the rest of the village.

The music is equally as terrible, sounding like bagpipes played backwards over a techno mix of some hippos being drowned. I sat at a beer garden in Udon Thani watching as two drunken backpackers mingled with the locals, drunkenly taking the piss out of them whilst being both condescending and smug (how do they manage it, bless 'em) and showing generally that they were plain pr*cks.

Isaan dance? Looks more like the conga to me

The faster they outlaw this dance, the faster the people of Isaan can move into the modern world, and a program set up by the government could send them on crash courses in learning the Charleston, Conga, YMCA, The twist and the Oops upside your head dance.

Taken a River restaurant cruise in Bangkok

In all these years, no I never have, but what have I missed? A Thai seafood buffet for 4500 Baht? Disco lights giving me an epileptic fit on board? A fat tourist in a vest with a floral lei round his neck? I'm not knocking these cruises, as I'm sure they are staple revenue for many tour operators and hotels. Nice for tourists of course. I've sat at many a riverside restaurant and been disrupted as I first hear the wailing of a distant cover version of ''Kiss me'' or ''Band on the run'' getting closer and closer, and then this flashing monstrosity passes by, breaking the peace and quiet of my romantic meal.


Floating restaurants: Probably a lot of fun, if you can afford it.

Often you may even hear the passing on-board commentary by the guide, usually along the lines of ''See that miserable guy over there at that restaurant staring at us? Be glad he ain't on board'' And then he'll stick two fingers up at me.

Visiting the floating market

I'm sure this is a nostalgic, romantic place to visit if you're on your honeymoon, and I've had many chances to visit both markets, the one selling tourist market crap and the real one that peddles bags of shallots and durians. Trouble is, the tour guides always want to take you there at some early morning hour just to see the place in full swing.


Fruit and veg, anyone?

All that noise with a stinking fucking hangover would send me over the edge, so why not set up a temporary floating market, say once a week at 4pm on a thursday so lazy arseholes like myself and another few thousand alcoholics can enjoy what goes on there. I've seen the photos on google, and everything looks a bit precarious, people balancing on bamboo sticks and boats about sink under a weight of soi dogs. In fact, in 1980 when my mum visited Bangkok for a week, she bought back a tourism poster of Taliang Chan market, and it remained stuck to the back of our toilet door for twenty years.

Stretched out on a 'bed' at Bed SupperClub


Bed Supperclub: Gypsies seem to have set up camp on the dancefloor in front of the DJ booth

I was never distinguished enough (read: good enough) to play at Bed Supperclub, and I surely would have cramped their style, but the main put off for me anyway was their arsefaced clientele and their sunglasses wearing friends in there, stretched out on white beds like retarded fucking losers on their laptops.

Were they really enjoying the sterile vibes, the soulless music or the beer prices? Or was it all a poseurs paradise of fakeness, empty compliments and hi-so handbags? I was in there once for two hours and after the two allotted free drinks, our cigarette break saw us wander off back towards Sukhumvit. Apparently the odd backpacker type makes it there from Kao San Road (probably on the 511 bus from Banglampoo), and I sincerely hope they showered first because in a place where nobodies shit smells, they would be fucked by a mile in both senses.