The Miami Dolphins travel all the way across the damn continent to face the Payless back-to-school, generic sneakers-looking Seattle Seahawks this Sunday. You probably don't know much about the Seahawks because they basically play in Russia, but they are the worst, and you really should consider hating them. A lot.
Why you might ask, should you hate a team that plays in a city best known for fish markets, coffee shops, and grunge bands? Let us steer you in the right direction, so when the Seahawks and Dolphins play this weekend, your cold, black, loveless, hateful heart is in the right place.
Pete Carroll looks like Willy Wonka, and he chews gum like Violet. He looks like Ellen Degeneres dressed up like a Seattle Seahawks coach for Halloween. If you squint your eyes, Peter Carroll looks an old, douchey Eleven from Stranger Things. He looks like Sue Sylvester took the role of a football coach.
As a coach with the Jets, he once taunted Pete Stoyanovich after he missed an extra point that would have tied the game (then, Dan Marino got the ball back and won the game). Down four with a minute left in Super Bowl XLIX, he THREW THE BALL OUT OF THE SHOTGUN FROM THE ONE YARD LINE.