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Guy's out shopping with his wife when he picks up a crate of beer.
"That's a waste of money " she said.
"well you bought the makeup, that's a waste of money " he said.
"that's to make me look beautiful" she said.
"That's what the beers for" he replied
We met at the park. Sparks flew and she fell at my feet. We made passionate love.
Tazers are they brilliant or what.
Young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 58 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house bloke is thinking mmm! i bet her daughter is hot.
When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a 'Sportsman's Double'? "Wots that?" he asks. "It's a Mother & daughter threesome!" he says. "WOW YES
PLEASE" So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on & shouts "Mum put your fuckin teeth in, he's up for it"!!
Found my cat dead in the washing machine last night .
At least he died in Comfort !
Woman goes to the doctors with sharp pains in her chest. Doctor asks her to undress then examines her. Doctor tells her that she has acute angina. She replies---thank you very much doc, but what about these chest pains.
A tour bus driver is taking a lot of O.A.P.s on a trip, when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady who offers him a handful of peanuts.He gratefully accepts and munches away . 15 minutes later she taps him on the shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to offer him for the third time,he asks why she doesnt eat them herself. She replied that herself and her friend cannot chew them as they had no teeth, but they loved the chocolate around them.
An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"
Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
Teacher says to class----i want you to make a sentence with the word contagious in it.----Ron says, measles are contagious. Kate says,theres a bug going around that is contagious. --- Little Paddy says, our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the c-nt ages
Beauty, spat my coffee all over the keyboard.Quote:
Originally Posted by stuie
https://teakdoor.com/thailand-and-asi...-announce.html
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing::smileylaughing::s mileylaughing::smileylaughing:
:ourrules:
So many fell for it I was surprised considering the date.Quote:
Originally Posted by crippen
These two Irish couples, after a few drinks, decide to swap partners in order to spice up their sex lifes.The following morning Paddy wakes up and stretches,turns to his partner says-----jesus that was great last night, wonder how the girls got on.
A little girl accompanies her father to the barbers shop. She stands next to the barbers chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.Barber says to her--careful sweetheart,your gonna get hair all over your muffin.She replies--yes i know and im gonna get boobs too.
Two nuns driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of their car.The nun who was driving says to the other nun---quick show him your cross. So she leans out of the window and shouts---get off our f---ing car
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse
Apparently the instruction finish of on her face
didn't mean what i thought it did
.................................................. .................................................. ........
I took my biology exam last week
i was asked to name two things that are commonly found in cells
apparently 'abo' and 'lebo' were not the correct answers
An irish boy stands crying on the side of the road
a man asks what is wrong
the boy says me ma is desd
oh bejaysus the man says do you want me to call
father o'riley for you
the boy replies no thanks mister sex is the last thing on my mind as the moment
A man goes to visit his father who moved into a Care home. ''How are you finding it dad?''''Wonderful son! The nurse was giving me a bed bath when I got an erection! She saw it, jumped on the bed, and screwed my brains out!"2 days later he goes back to visit. ''Things still going well dad?"''No they are not! I fell over this morning and ended up on all fours! The gay, male nurse saw this and bummed me to within an inch of my life.""Well you have to take the rough with the smooth dad!"''That's fair enough son, but I get an erection once every 3 years, I fall over 4 times a fuckin day".
An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends they decided it was finally time to get married.Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long discussion regarding how the marriage would work out.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship.How do you feel about sex he asked. I would like it infrequently she replied.The old gentleman sat quietly for a while,adjusted his glasses,then leaned over towards her and whispered, is that one word or two.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
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'F**k off', she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
Never, EVER, under any circumstances confuse the Vick with the KY.
If your lover has put on too much weight,get him to walk 3 miles in the morning 3 miles at night and by the end of the week the fat f--ker will be 42 miles away.
Ever seen a c*nt wrapped in plastric ?
NO ?......... LOOK AT YOUR PASSPORT
Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding to Kate Middleton. Prince Philip said "I don't give a fuck - I'm going anyway ! "
Left The Pub Last Night And This Abo Outside Hit Me Up..'any Change ?.. Nup I Said To Him, Your Still Black"
555 or ha ha ha thats very funny:smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
ha ha ha yuk!Quote:
Originally Posted by stuie
Ha ha ha, sorry, i am not normally one for jokes, lucky if i remember one, but these are hilarious.Quote:
Originally Posted by bobo746
Got Thrown Out Of A Muslim Clothes Shop...
All I Did Was Ask Where They Kept The 'bomber Jackets'..
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled in to bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
Two nuns were riding a tandem in Covent Garden.The nun on the back seat remarked that she had never come this way before.The other nun replied it must be the cobble-stones.
The priest.
He knew about cockfights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no,"' he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant, either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't QUITE what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted!
just so great jokes. THX
For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.His father said son,we would give you one but the mortgage on the house is 280.000 pounds and your mother has just lost her job and theres no way we can afford the bike.Next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.He called out,son where are you going.Little Patrick told him, i was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.Then i heard her tell you to wait cos she was coming too.Now im damned if i will be staying here by myself with a 280.000 mortgage and no bike.
The daughter replies, "Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the sink ?"A young aboriginal girl was getting married.
Her mother said, "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".
"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks.
"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee," the mother says.
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
ha ha very funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
the pretty girl married her prince , and the bad guy got killed . its been a proper disney weekend !
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres'
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."
I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.
They're called kneegrows
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fcuking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"
A young Arab asks his father: -
What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the fcuk are we living in Bradford?
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your fcuking lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since I gave her the first beating.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it’s an old shithouse door off a fishin’ boat!
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fcuk up and go to sleep!"
My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was cnut.
Fernando Torres..... Not quite as famous as his brother Clit
A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fcukin place!
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no fcuking idea they had a job centre!
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue
dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!