Quick Jokes

Tim Sheens, Brian Smith and Wayne Bennett all die in acar crash.


They get to Heaven & St Peter says,

"God wants to ask you a question and, if he likes you, you can sit with him to watch the grand final".


God to Sheens..."what do you believe in?"


"I believe in looking after the players well-being on and off the field"


God says “that’s good, you can sit on my left.”


God to Smith “what do you believe in”


“I believe in courage, honour and you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it.”


God says “that’s good, you can sit on my right...”


God to Bennett. . . “what do you believe in...”


“I believe you're sitting in my chair !”

The little zoo was very proud of it's pair of Gnus. They were named George and Mildred. Some months after acquiring them it became increasingly obvious that a happy event was to take place and sure enough onefine morning the keeper of the ungulates came in to find a little Gnu at Mildred's feet - or should that be hooves? The calf was named Robin. All was well until one day the keeper noticed that George was off his fodder. Despite their best efforts and those of the vet George turned up his hooves and died. Still, at least they still had Mildred and Robin. The little family thrived but, Mildred began to look a little listless, a little dull in the eyes. Once again the vet was summoned, once again the staff watched, agonizingly as Mildred eventually succumbed to a mysterious desease and she too curled up her hooves and became lion grub. The ungulate collection now relied incresingly on hitherto lively little Robin. who had developed a dry bronchial cough. Sure enough, as if the fates themselves had taken against the little zoo and it's dedicated staff little Robin passed on and went the way of his parents. Aaaaaah!
Well that's the end of the Gnus, here's the weather...............
:mid:

^ mate wtf that made me groan.:rofl:

A gay man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse - doctors describe his condition as stable.

What do you call an Islamic extremist that spends the season clubing in Ibiza.


All summer been largin.

A man goes to the doctor with a broken nose, a broken arm and 4 cracked ribs.
The doctor says "what happened to you?"
The man replies "I was beaten up by a spider"

"That doesn't surprise me" says the doctor.
"There's a couple of nasty bugs going around".

Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.
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Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.
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Q. What's the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
A. Suppressing the erection.

:) :) :)

A girl writes to a problem page: Dear Diedre, I'm a 13 year old Irish traveller and still a virgin...............do you think my brothers are gay?

What do you call a group of Irish men?


Thicket.

mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his willy in between 2 biscuits! "what are you doing?" she asks. "I'm fucking crackers" he says

I will be using that one in the bar during my three months of the year in Pattaya, Daveboy. Thanks, I will be there just after Christmas.

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2010/11/503.jpg

3 men die on Christmas Eve. To get into heaven St. Peter says, "You must have something on you that represents Christmas." The Englishman flicks on his lighter & says it's a candle. St. Peter lets him pass. Welshman pulls out a set of keys, jingles them & says they are bells. St. Peter lets him pass. The Irishman pulls out his 10 inch cock & St. Peter says, "How the fuck does that represent Christmas?! Paddy says, "It's a fucking cracker isn't it!"

Paddy is on his way home , he sees his bus at its stop but,despite running like hell , he just misses it and it pull outs , paddy takes chase ;
same thing happens at the next stop
and the next , and soon he finds hes at his stop, outside his house
he rushes in and triumphantly slams some coins on the table
paddy crows - '' i just chased the bus home and saved 20 Baht !''
''well done !'' says his wife '' why don't you chase a taxi HOME tommorow night , you can save 200 Baht''

Misses is pissing me off again!!! Last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper!!! No sense of humor at all....

St Peter was guarding the gates of heaven when along came 3 guys.

"Sorry guys, heaven pretty full these days so you've gotta have a bloody good excuse to get in." he says

The first guy says. "Well, I was watering my roof garden and I like to do it naked with the fresh breeze and all, and I was watering away when I slipped and fell over the edge."

"And thats it?" Said st Peter

"No no, luckily I grabbed onto the balcony below. Next thing you know a guy is bashing my fingers until I couldn't hold on any more and I fell to the ground."

"And then you died?" Said St Peter

"No, I couldn't believe it, I survived. Next thing though a bloody fridge comes off the balcony, hitting me in the face and killing me."

"You poor bastard come in." Said Peter

The next man says "Well I came home early to find my wife naked in bed and all out of breath. I ran to the window and the fucker was hanging off the balcony, so I smashed his hands with a shoe until he fell but the kunt still wasn't dead so I threw the fridge of the balcony."

"So how did you die?" Said St Peter

"Heart attack, the stress of the whole thing killed me."

"Come in then." Said Peter. "And how about you, how did you die?" Peter said to the 3rd man

"Well, I was freezing my bollocks off in this fridge....."

Thank you The Fresh Prince these are some good ones for in the bar during my three months of the year in Pattaya.

No problem, I thought I'd tell one a bit longer than a 'quick joke' with you in mind. If you speak really slowly it might just last 3 months.:)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bingo wings

Thank you The Fresh Prince these are some good ones for in the bar during my three months of the year in Pattaya.

---

that should be great...when are you coming?

I will be in Pattaya just after Christmas, DrAndy. Are you in Pattaya? Maybe we can meet for a few Whiskeys during my three months of the year in paradise.

Just bought a dog from the blacksmith. Only had him two minutes and he's already made a bolt for the door!

I had a wooden horse. It wooden shit...

So I bought a steel horse. It steel wooden shit...

A teacher goes around class asking the kids what they need at home.
1st kid : A computer , teacher replies well that would be useful .
The 2nd kid says a car and gets the same reply.
Finally she asks Billy who answers "At my house we don't need anything"
The teacher asks him to think carefully as everyone needs something.
Billy replies "No I'm sure , when my sister started going out with an Abbo our Dad said well that's all we fuckin' need."

Guy who thinks he's turning into a moth goes to see his doctor

"Doc, I feel like I'm becoming a moth" he says

Doc: "Well why come to me? - you know there is an excellent psychiatrist not five minutes from here"

"Yeah I would have gone to him, but I was passing by and your light was on"

Dr rings the husband of a patient & says your wife' s here & I'm afraid there's been a mix up with her tests results so we don't know if she's got Alzheimer or Aids. The man says what the fuck am I supposed to do? The Dr says I'm going to put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home don't fuck her!

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

WOMEN'S LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:

ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat cnut
CUDDLY = Fat cnut
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat cnut
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat cnut!

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of old Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
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Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
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Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.



The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?


Apparently, the answer is Fiji.

A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."



The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick"

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer thatit might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



The husband says, 'Good Grief ! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it !'



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Vet School _____________________________________
First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation.'
'I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'
'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"She turns to her boyfriend and says,"You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies,"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said,"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Chinese guy walks into a bar.The bartender is black.Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, nigger!"The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.The Chinese guy does the same thing again.The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.The Chinese guy says it again.The black guy is royally pissed now.He yells,"You get back here! I'm going to do the same thing to you and you can see how it feels." The black guy storms out and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.The black guy walks in and yells,"Gimmie a drink, chink!" The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggers here!"

A beautiful young thing goes to see a psychotherapist.
"Take off your clothes and lie on the couch", he instructed.
He then jumped on the couch with her and ravished her.
When he finished, he put his clothes on and said, "Well, that's my problem solved - what's yours?"

The blonde patient pleaded with her psychiatrist. "Kiss me! Please, kiss me!"
"No", said the psychiatrist, "that's unethical Miss. I shouldn't even be screwing you."

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"
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There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.