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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #2101
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    Eating red meat isn't harmful, it's fuzzy green meat you need to watch out for.

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    Quote Originally Posted by david44 View Post
    What has two arms, two wings, two tails, three heads and eight legs?










    Think again










    Crusty horseback fucking a duck
    WHAT...Ace. I had a proper belly laugh. Good stuff.

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    I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government has spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low.

    But enough of the Commonwealth Games, the World Cup has started.

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    Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

    "Ooh," said the TV presenter. " This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?? "


    "Sticks," said Paddy.

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    You'd have to be a bit old and English for this one...

    Bill says to Ben, 'Flobalobalob.'

    Ben replies...'Lying coont. You said you'd swallow!'

  6. #2106
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    ^Aimed at the horny mums watching no doubt.

  7. #2107
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    The 2003 invasion of Iraq is not to blame for the violent insurgency now gripping the country, former UK prime minister Tony Blair has said.

    Speaking to the BBC's Andrew Marr, he said there would still be a "major problem" in the country even without the toppling of Saddam Hussein in 2003.


    Tony Blair

  8. #2108
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    Iran-Nigeria draw: both teams to get stoned

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    An Essex girl was involved in a road accident and complained to the paramedic of pain in her head and neck.

    "Ok, how many fingers do I have up?" asked the medic.

    "Oh shit" she says, "now my fanny's gone numb too!"

  10. #2110
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    I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

    Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

    She said, "Yes you are."

    I said, "No I'm fucking not."

    She said, "Can you tell the time?"

    I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."

  11. #2111
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    Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

    He asked for help and she could see why.

    Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

    By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

    She almost cried when the little boy said,
    'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

    She looked, and sure enough, they were.

    Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

    She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

    He then announced,
    'These aren't my boots.'

    She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
    'Why didn't you say so?'
    like she wanted to.

    Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

    No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

    'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

    Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

    But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

    Helping him into his coat, she asked,
    'Now, where are your mittens?'

    He said,
    'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
    She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

  12. #2112
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    ^ won't let me green ya. owe it

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    Commenting on "that" corner, Wayne Rooney said:
    "I miscalculated the vector and rotational forces with respect to the negative Coriolis effect of being in the southern latitudes which placed differential angles in a manner I had not taken into account in what is, afterall, a complex integrated equation"

  14. #2114
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy View Post
    Commenting on "that" corner, Wayne Rooney said:
    "I miscalculated the vector and rotational forces with respect to the negative Coriolis effect of being in the southern latitudes which placed differential angles in a manner I had not taken into account in what is, afterall, a complex integrated equation"
    Rooney completes a 3 month Ron Dennis course "English for the Media"

  15. #2115
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy View Post
    Commenting on "that" corner, Wayne Rooney said:
    "I miscalculated the vector and rotational forces with respect to the negative Coriolis effect of being in the southern latitudes which placed differential angles in a manner I had not taken into account in what is, afterall, a complex integrated equation"
    Might be he just fcuked up.

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    "Doctor, I'm here about this ointment you gave me a couple of days ago for my piles. I applied it this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
    - "Hmm. Where exactly did you apply it?"
    - "On the bus."

  17. #2117
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    Did we have this one yet?
    --

    The England squad visited an orphanage in Rio de Janiero today.

    " It's heartbreaking to see their little sad faces with no hope," said Bernardo, aged seven.

  18. #2118
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    Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport
    leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him
    on the shoulder to get his attention.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
    nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches
    from a large plate glass window.
    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
    Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry,
    but you scared the daylights out of me."
    The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said,
    "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
    Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

  19. #2119
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    England manager Roy Hodgson has set up a friendly match for the England team against Iceland to try and cheer the fans up.
    If they win that game, they'll play Tesco's next Saturday and then Asda on Wednesday!

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    I saw a chap with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon, therefore I drive like an animal."
    Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.

  21. #2121
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    Went to the local camping supplies shop today to buy a tent ,when I got to the checkout the checkout chick said " Are you going to put it up yourself ?"
    I looked her in the eye and replied "No I'm planning on pitching it on a camp site !"

  22. #2122
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    The newlyweds are in the bridal suite undressing.

    The groom removes his socks, the bride asks

    "What wrong with your toes? They are all mangled."

    "I had tolio as a child" the groom replies.

    "You mean polio" says the bride.

    "No, tolio the disease only effected my toes." says the groom.

    The groom removes his trousers and the bride asks

    "What wrong with your knees they are all deformed?"

    "As a child I had kneasles." say the groom. "Surely you mean measles." say the bride.

    "No kneasles, it only affected my knees." says the groom.

    The groom removes his boxers.


    "Don't tell me." says the bride .........................................."Bloody Smallcox?"

  23. #2123
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    A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides
    to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
    To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
    answers.
    Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
    'Very good', says the teacher.
    Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'
    'Excellent.'
    Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
    'I had bugger all', he says,'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
    The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

    Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
    rudimentary questions.
    Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to
    tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
    When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
    nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
    Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Chinese border ?'
    Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Chinese boarder is
    in bed with my mother.
    That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

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  25. #2125
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    The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
    Now, “Fifty Sheds Of Grey” offers a treat for the men.
    The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

    We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
    “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped. “You can do whatever you want with me.”
    So I took her to Bunning’s.

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
    I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
    She still manages to get into the shed, though.

    “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed calmly. “Mmmm, kinky,” she purred.
    “Yes,” I said. “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

    “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    “Harder,” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
    “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
    Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    “Are you sure you can take the pain,” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
    “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

    “Hurt me,” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
    “Very well,” I replied. “You have fat ankles and no dress sense.”

    “Are you sure you want this,” I asked.
    “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
    “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

    “Punish me,” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
    “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

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