Quick Jokes

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

A mummy has been discovered in the Egypt at the Valley of the Kings,It's covered in chocolate , nuts and wrapped in Gold paper .


Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Quote:

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Originally Posted by boloa

A mummy has been discovered in the Egypt at the Valley of the Kings,It's covered in chocolate , nuts and wrapped in Gold paper .


Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

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:tumbs:

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”




Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”





It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.




An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to MountOlive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"


In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother's.

My ex-girlfiend is a doctor.
She told me that we would work together to clear up my bladder infection.
I said "There is no we".


The plans for my honey farm have accidentally been destroyed.
I have no plan B.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mr Lick

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”




Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”





It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.




An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to MountOlive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"


In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother's.

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Too funny

Once upon a time in Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and full of numb nuts, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Gabriel , impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Ireland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisce Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said "You said there will be Balance"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them".

"Quick Jokes"

:ourrules:

Fails on both counts. :banhim11:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Neo

"Quick Jokes"

:ourrules:

Fails on both counts. :banhim11:

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Fuk off there's reams of paragraphs of shit on this thread.

How do you know when a British airways jet that has landed?
The whining goes on when the engine has stopped.

What is the most positive thing in London?
A: HIV

Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Neo

"Quick Jokes"

:ourrules:

Fails on both counts. :banhim11:

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He's failing on the JOKES, let alone the quick.

Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and St Georges Day?
A: On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

How do you know when a Geordie girl has her period?
She's only wearing one sock.

Oh, you want IRISH jokes?
There's not many of them but let me try.

Paddy and Sean were down the employment office and paddy noticed a job on the board,
"Here's one for tree fellers" he said "but it's no good, there only two of us."
( The old ones are the best)

It was so cold last night the Scousers had their hands in their own pockets.

3 Paddies sat on a floor. 2 fell off. Boom boom.

How does an English bird keep the flies off her food?
Opens her legs.

What do you call a white Orgy?
A snowball
What do you call a Black Orgy?
Mud Wrestling
What do you call a English Orgy?
FAMILY REUNION!

Funny how you English boys get pissed off with four or five jokes but Paddy is supposed to take fifty odd pages of it.

My neighbour just banged on my door and shouted, "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident along the road and an Englishman has been run down. He's bleeding to death."
I asked him "What's wrong with your own phone?"
He said, "the cameras shit on mine.

What happened when a West Ham fan walked into a wall with a hard-on?
He broke his nose.

One for the Paddies
How did the priest get a nun pregnant?
He dressed her up like an altar boy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rebbu

Funny how you English boys get pissed off with four or five jokes but Paddy is supposed to take fifty odd pages of it.

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Don't actually remeber seeing any Irish jokes on here.
Nigger jokes, jew jokes sure, but mick jokes?
We need more mick jokes.

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"

The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"

And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"



Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


How can you tell if a kid is half black and half Irish?
He's running down the street with your bike in his arms!


Why did god give the Irish potatoes, and the Arabs oil?
He gave the Irish first choice!

What did one Geordie say to another Geordie?

Something incomprehensible.