Quick Jokes

The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas, you should have seen her face light up when she opened it..

Cheers

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They're both in hospital. Ones in a korma ... The others got a dodgy tikka .

Two Chinese gangsters are plotting a break in at a Scottish distillery. One says to the other "Is it Whisky?"! "Yes", the other one replies "but not as whisky as a bank wobbery "

Was one of them in charge of the supplies..?

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Everyone complains when horse meat is found in Tesco burgers..
Not a word when Camel Toes are found in Primark Leggings....

How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?

None: they'll complain to the authorities that changing lightbulbs is against their religion and our stupid fucking government will lap it all up and change the whole country's lifestyle so we can compensate for those lazy, sweaty, filthy, miserable, benefit thieving, rag-head Paki cunts!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.


'I would like it infrequently' she replied.


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'

An old man hobbles slowly into the doctor and says that he and his wife are no longer getting pleasure out of sex.
"How old are you?" asks the doctor
"I'm 82" says the man
"and how old is your wife?"
"she's 74"
"oh" says the doctor astonished "and when was the last time you and your wife had sex?"
"twice last night and once this morning"

paddy ,,, what do you want on your beefburger Sean ?
Oh, a fiver each way.

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan told the press yesterday that he is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup. He has bought himself a new television. :)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one
lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday,I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations"

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

The great thing about marriage is being able to have sex whenever you want.

As long as you're the one with the pussy.

Im not saying shes ugly

But she would definetly be a hard wank

A very attractive woman goes to a plastic surgeon for breast reduction surgery. The doctor gets everything set up and says to her, "First, I have to numb them. Is that okay?" When she gives her permission, he leans in and goes,

"Num num num num num..."

Now on sale at Ikea ...Lesbian beds... No nuts or Screws...... its all Tongue and Groove.

Bradford City have announced that cup final tickets will start at 60 rupees each !! And tickets are limied to 40 per HouseHold

Got the misses a pug dog for her birthday. Despite the ugliness, squashed up face and rolls of fat , the dog really seems to like her.

Mahatma Gandhi , as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis .

Police have warned parents of children to keep an eye out for two people dressed as workmen moving snow outside schools. They are believed to be using the names Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter..

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously Obama's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.