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Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The Midget."
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"
There opening a new chain of coffee shops for the under tens.
It's called Tarbucks.
I was out walking with the missus the other day when she started tutting and taking her shoe off.
"What's up with you"? I asked.
"I've got a stone in my fucking shoe" she snarled.
I said "you've got 19 stone in the other one, but that's not fucking bothering you"
Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year!
Dave. Here's the poster.
https://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/u...2355/Panto.jpg
^ Shouldn't that be 'Sinderella'
i saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop today, so i stopped and said "jump in, i'll take you home".
"fuck off ya prick!" he replied.
i said "fine, suit yourself you ungrateful little bastard".
so i zipped up my rucksack and kept on walking ! !
A teacher in Detroit asked students to use "handsome" in a sentence. A student named Latisha says:
Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore, and I hafta use my handsome." :rofl:
THINGS CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
He who eat crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
I tried to watch some old videos of Angelina Jolie with her tits out on You Tube.
But they've been removed.
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
I bought my wife a new perfume called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it because she tends to get sleepy and it makes her arse sore.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his widower father, and working in the family business.
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided to bone up on financial planning.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
My wife said she's leaving me because of my excessive drinking.
Ironically, that's what made me propose to her in the first place.
My son's teacher rang me today accusing me of helping him with his sex education homework.
"Bollocks" I said. "What proof have you got?"
"Well Mr. Kay", she replied, "According to Luke, when he was asked where do babies come from, he wrote 'regrettable drunken one night stands'."
After serving as co-pilots in Afghanistan, Dave & I became best friends, so I was distraught when I caught him sleeping with my wife.
We can't fly together anymore if his eyesight's that fucked.
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing::smileylaughing:
My kids keep on taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's.Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.
Nice one dave:smileylaughing:
And that's 3000 posts from me :chitown:
My wife went shopping two weeks ago to get me some milk. She never returned.
My mate asked how I was coping.
Not too bad I said...I'm using the dried stuff!
"I bet you a tenner that when I'm out working," my wife said, "you just sit there in your undies watching porn."
"That's a tenner you owe me." I said. "I wear yours."
I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier.
"What kind of a gun is that?" "Where did you get it?" "Does it come in different colours?"
A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner.
His wife screams, "You asshole!
My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home?"
"Cause he's thinking of getting married."