I felt so sorry for the hypnotist i saw at a show. he hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over and said "fuck me" .What happened next will haunt me forever.:cmn:
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I felt so sorry for the hypnotist i saw at a show. he hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over and said "fuck me" .What happened next will haunt me forever.:cmn:
I like my bank's service of texting me my account balance, I just don't like it when they add 'LOL' at the end
:smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by bobo746
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Just been to the doctors, she told me I have compulsive lying disorder, then she gave me a tit wank and sucked me off in her office.....
A bloke goes to marriage counselling with his flat-chested wife. The therapist asks "What appears to be the problem?" to which the husband blurts out "Well, Dolly fucking Parton here reckons I'm too sarcastic...!"
What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!
without nipples tits would be pointless
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Can you spare just $5.00 ?Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia.He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles toSchool along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal..If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its fucking hilarious.
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I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
GEORGE'S wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning
and asked him what the hell he was doing.
Apparently "Heating up your breakfast" wasn’t the right answer!
Some for Boon Mee
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
There are about 20 members at my epilepsy awareness meetings now.
We only have a little room, but we all fit in there nicely.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f**k all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
I saw Rolf Harris today.
I said " I remember you when you did Two Little Boys"
He said "fuck off that was Jimmy Savile"
Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
that was a good one
epilepsy!! 555
Yes indeed ,, unfortunately jokes about any disabilities are only funny until life catches up with some one in your familyQuote:
Originally Posted by DrAndy
Try this one then:
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
"Hi , as a man I must ask why you have lied to us for all these years . As a child I watched your advertisements with interest as to how at this wonderful time of the month that the female gets to enjoy so many things ,I felt a little jealous. I mean bike riding , rollercoasters, dancing, parachuting, why couldn't I get to enjoy this time of joy and 'blue water' and wings !! Dam my penis!! Then I got a girlfriend, was so happy and couldn't wait for this joyous adventurous time of the month to happen .....you lied !! There was no joy , no extreme sports , no blue water spilling over wings and no rocking soundtrack oh no no no. Instead I had to fight against every male urge I had to resist screaming wooaaahhhhh bodddyyyyyyfooorrrmmm bodyformed for youuuuuuu as my lady changed from the loving , gentle, normal skin coloured lady to the little girl from the exorcist with added venom and extra 360 degree head spin. Thanks for setting me up for a fall bodyform , you crafty bugger"
https://www.facebook.com/Bodyform/po...51186887359324
Five women in the bar have now told me that I'm 'too old' for them.
I admire their moxy.
Good drugs:mid:Quote:
Originally Posted by crippen
Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly. He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants." The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again. As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants." At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy."
Viagra have just released a new pill called 007 it doesn't make you James Bond, but it does make you Roger Moore
Girlfriend just had her teeth whitened ......to be honest most of it went on her chin.
^Not bad for a Peckham lad.