Quick Jokes

The missus left a note on the fridge saying-
"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while"

I opened it, light came on and the beer was well chilled. Fuck knows what she was on about ?

Women always blather on that childbirth is the most painful experience a person can ever have in their life, but go on to have 2, 3, 4 or even more children.

Yeah, right. Men catch their knob in the zipper exactly once.

Scotland - where it's illegal to smoke but you can marry a fag

Just bought some rather expensive emo poker cards.


I thought i'd I wasted my money until the deck cut itself.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

The soldier and the nun


Soldier on his way home from duty by public transport makes amourous advances to the nun sat next to him. Rebuffed, he asks the bus driver, a local, what to do. "Go to the cemetery at 10:00pm tonight. Closer to God, she might feel more relaxed and accommodate you".

Sure enough, the soldier finds the nun in the cemetery at the allotted hour and makes his advances.
To his amazement, they are accepted, so long as he promises to take her up the bum.
When all is done, the soldier expresses his surprise to the Nun at her change of mind.

















"That's not your only suprise tonight" says the bus driver, removing his appareil.

Did you hear about the two gay guys that were walking past a mortuary?

One said to the other..."Hey, do you wanna stop in and suck down a cold one?

Did you hear about the poofta who didn't know the difference between vaseline and putty?

All his windows fell out!

And the barber who broke his leg, who's shaving hair in crutches now.

I know it's an old one but...

A policeman stops a van being driven by a Paki (Abo/Romanian/Mexican)
and says "do you know the limit is 30 down here?"
The driver steps out, opens the back door and says, "Ok, 20 of you are gonna have to get out"

:rofl:

Man says to wife "my new olympic condoms arrived today, so i think i will use gold tonight"
Wife replies " why not try silver, and come second for a change"

Did you hear the one about about the dyslexic pimp ?



Went out and bought a warehouse :rolleyes: :rofl:

Then there's the midget sailor who went into a brothel and caught smallpox?

Man goes into Superdrug and asks "you got any k.y. jelly"
Assistant replies "no, have you tried Boots"
Man says " i wanna slide in, not f--king march in"

I thought it was "I wanna fuck her, not kick her".

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.


"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim,

I remember Dad saying,"Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

This fat girl came up to me in the pub last night and said: "Hi, I'm Anita."
I said, "I can fucking see that."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including an Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Tibetan, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Kenyan, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Moroccan, an Israeli, a Palestinian, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Manxman, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian and a Norwegian all walk into a very fine restaurant.

“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group. “You can’t come in here without a Thai.”

So a guy is driving down the road after purchasing a bottle of wine when he spots an Indian hitchhiking. He pulls over and offers the Indian a ride. The Indian gets in the car and sees the brown bag on the seat and asks the driver, "What's in the bag?"

The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine I got for my wife."

The Indian says, "Good Trade!"

Wives don't forget old boyfriends!

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor living it large - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Why is sex with twenty eight year old's so good ?

Because there is 20 of them.




I like my women the same as my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed with coke.

You know the girl you're with is too young if you have to make the airplane sound to get your cock in her mouth.

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

Bitch.

A koala bear is going to a new york bar. It's a pretty cool dude so he walks up to the bartender and orders a dry martini, stirred, not shaken. The bartender makes the dry martini, serves it, and the koala bear pours it down and orders another one.

Well, there is this really gorgeous red head who thinks that the koala bear is really cute, so she walks up to the koala bear and asks him: ' hey koala bear, do you wanna have some fun?' The koala bear surely replys: 'sure I wannna have some fun!'. They go upstairs and they sure have quite some fun.

When they are finished having fun the koala bear gets up and gets dressed. So the red head grabs a dictionary and throws it over to the koala bear.

'Hey koala bear, look up prostitute' she says and he catches the dictionary and looks up prostitute. P - Pr - Pros - Prostitute: women who gives pleasure to man for money.

So he throws back the dictionary and says: 'Hey prostitue, look up koala bear'.

And she looks it up. K - Ko - Koala bear: little Australian animal, eats bushes and leaves.