The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while discussing philosophy.
Wife: What’s the meaning of life?
Husband: My dick!
Wife: Yeah that’s true, life is short.
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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while discussing philosophy.
Wife: What’s the meaning of life?
Husband: My dick!
Wife: Yeah that’s true, life is short.
Interviewer: Your resume says you’re very quick at maths.
Me: Yes I am!
Interviewer: Whats 12 x 37?
Me: 49.
Interviewer: That’s not even close!
Me: Yeah, but it was fast.
My girlfriend rang me at work. She said "Two packages arrived today. One's your PlayStation 4 & the others the Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home & play with me for hours".
I said "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller".
I went into the library and asked if they had a book about how to spot Ladyboys. He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere." I said, "That's the one."
My neighbour said to me today:"How come you have so many cars?"
"Well," I said "The wife and I have been doing a bit of swinging recently"
"Oh right" he said embarrassed "Do a lot of them stay over then?"
"No" I said "It's just that every time she pulls a set of keys out the hat, the owner fucks off".
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
:rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
When I was asked what I'd do if I walked in on my wife in bed with somebody I said the first thing I'd do is break his white cane.
The man who invented predictive text died yesterday.
His funfair is next monkey
I was just looking at my ceiling...
Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose?
I should never have named two friends.
The cost of living has now become so expensive that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Out of ammo Nid
Phone rings at 2am.
Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know. I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.
The following conversation took place between a couple at the cinema.
Girlfriend: I think the guy next to me is jerking off.
Boyfriend: Just ignore him.
Girlfriend: I can’t.
Boyfriend: Why?
Girlfriend: He’s using my hand.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me….
“I really need a new fuckin boat” I thought to myself.
I'll just leave it at that.Quote:
Originally Posted by GracelessFawn
Ladies never forget that if a man remembers the colour of your eyes after the first date, you've got small tits.
I saw a Thai girl on the train earlier today and I kept thinking to myself, don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection, but then she did.
555Quote:
Originally Posted by PAG
You're very funny Pag.
No, I have a good.memory.Quote:
Originally Posted by GracelessFawn555Quote:
Originally Posted by PAG
You're very funny Pag.
Sorry, what were you saying?
Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.
When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.
My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
The local farmer has grown the first ever field of lady’s toys!
He’s now having a problem with squatters.