Thread: Quick Jokes

Apparently Paul Daniels sometimes used trapdoors in his acts, but it was just a stage he was going through.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a spot?

At least a spot waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

My friend has become a survivalist.
He keeps on harping about the end of the world.
Armageddon sick of it!
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Another couple of friends of mine have started blogs about sausages
I can send you some links if you wish.

I farted at the beach today in Cha-Am.
Four people turned around...I thought I was on, The Voice!

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with him.

Thats weird buddy.

Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit

Just been to the Sewen Elewen and noticed their new 1 foot long hot dogs.

I said to the assistant that I wanted one...She then proceeded to slice the fooker up.

I said to her. 'What do you think it is, a fookin' piggy bank?'

The Holland football legend Johan Cruyff has died.

Some people said that he had been compared to God.

My Dutch friend said "Yeah, he's good but he's no Cruyff."

We used to have empires ruled by emporers. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings.

Now we have countries

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.

She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

Will all those who believe in telekinesis please raise my hand.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex. But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

I recently read that 10 out of 2 people have dyslexia.

Originally Posted by Gazza

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex. But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

I recently read that 10 out of 2 people have dyslexia.

Dyslexia can warn without striking.

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated,
and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Originally Posted by toslti

and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Some good came of it then

Several nuns at the convent had finished their morning baths. Realizing they had no towels they sent a girl to the laundry to get some.

As she left they heard a knock at the door. "Who is it they asked?"

"I'm the blind man"he exclaimed.

No longer ashamed to be seen naked the nuns opened the door.

The man asked "where would you like your blinds installed, by the way nice tits sister."

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying,"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump..........

Today we comemorate the man from Yorkhire who revolutionised road safety by inventing the Cats Eye.

If the cat had been facing the other way he'd have invented the pencil sharpner

^ actually he saw the reflection of lamps in the tram lines. So the invention is called cat's eyes but they were not involved in the invention.

In Aus. the could have been called crocodile eyes?