Quick Jokes

A man was sitting on a blanket on the beach , he had no arms or legs .

Three women , from England , Scotland and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry
for the poor man .

The English woman said have you ever had a hug . The man said No , so she gave him a hug and walked on .

The Scottish women said have you ever been kissed , the man said No , so she gave him a kiss and walked on .

The Irish women came to him and asked , Aye , 'ave ya ever been fooked lad ? . The man broke into a big smile and said No .

She said aye , well ya will when the tide comes in

I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks.
I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's all I remember

^
Sorry, can't green you.

Can;t GREEN him because HIS repo is turned OFF.

^
I've greened him in the past and just wanted to return a green he recently gave me.
But can't because now it seems we have to wait eons before we can dish them out again. What's that all about?.

this dyslexic bloke walks into a bra

when chemists die do they barium

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Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

this dyslexic bloke walks into a bra

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That's not funny. Dyslexia can warn without striking.

A mate of mine used to wear a tshirt with "I've put the sexy in dyslexia" printed on it

Last week I bumped into an old mate who looked a little glum. I asked him what was wrong.
He said. ''I've just been to the doctors and been told I've got the big C.''
I said. ''Cancer?''
''No, dyslexia.''

My wife left me a note this morning. It said:
''I'm leaving you because you're stupid and bigoted.''

I can understand her calling me stupid, but I can't help it if my toes are big.

The wife was baking and told me to go to the shop and get some dates.

So I'm meeting the shelf stacker tonight and the checkout girl on Saturday.

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif

Bloke phones his boss on a Monday morning and says "I can't come to work today, I'm sick". The next Monday he does it again, and then again the following week. So the boss calls him into the office and asks him what's wrong.

"Well", he says, "my sister comes in with a cup of tea in the morning, climbs into bed, and then cuddles me. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex".

"That's disgusting!" says the boss.

"Well I told you I was sick".

^
You murdered that joke Harry - the funny version goes like this.

Man phones his boss and says "I won't be at work today as I am really sick"
The boss enquires "how sick are you?" he replies "I am in bed with my sister"

Have a red Harry

Here's one outta the thai language version of Maxim;

An older successful thai businessman wanted a "trophy wife" so he went to a นางงามตู้กระจก, (that's where the gurlz wear numbers and sit on bleachers behind the glass).

He picked the most beautiful one and married her.

A couple days after the wedding, he was getting ready to go work and she was still lying in bed.

He took a 1000baht bill out of his pocket and said, "Here's some spending money for you today."

She looked at him, said, "I don't have any change, but you can fuck me once more this morning and we'll be even.

Now it might have been a LOT funnier in thai. (or not).

Okay, one more...

An old thai guy walks into a bar right up to the most beautiful gurl he could find. He says to her, "I'm totally your 'spec' (สเปค <- the thai word for specification, meaning type), I'm tall (สูง), long (ยาว), white (ขาว) and tight (ตึง)".

The gurl looked at the old man incredulously and the guy said, "I'm tall in age, I'm far-sighted, my hair is white and I have ringing ears..
สูงอายุ สายตายาว ผมขาว หูตึง

Okay, that one for sure was a LOT funnier in thai...:confused:

Gimme credit, I'm tryin' here..

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Originally Posted by toddaniels

Gimme credit, I'm tryin' here..

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Not very hard.

I was walking down the street in Birkenhead and a bird came up to me and said
"Are you looking for a good time mister"
I said "I've only got a fiver on me"
She said "It's alright I've got change"

Okay, you're a tough crowd, so this is my last attempt.

A thai kid came home from school and said to his dad, "Today I went up on the teacher" ขึ้นครู. <- that's a thai idiom for the first time a guy goes with a prostitute.

The dad was beside himself with joy, he said, "Son, how old are you 12? Sheesh I didn't go up on the teacher until I was 14, let's go buy you a brand new bicycle!"

They piled into the truck drove to the bike shop where the father bought the kid a bike with every bell and whistle available on it.

Then the father said, "You ride it home, I'll follow you in the truck.'

The kid says, "Umm dad can't we take it home with the truck? My ass still hurts."

That's it man, put a fork in me, I'm done...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

I was walking down the street in Birkenhead and a bird came up to me and said
"Are you looking for a good time mister"
I said "I've only got a fiver on me"
She said "It's alright I've got change"

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Warning: Predecimal joke alert.

This Barrister is walking into court and this hooker says "Do you fancy a good time love?".

He says "Excuse me madam, I am the Crown Solicitor".

She replies "Don't worry about that love, I'm the half a crown solicitor".

rat-a-tat-*ching*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toddaniels

Okay, you're a tough crowd, so this is my last attempt.

A thai kid came home from school and said to his dad, "Today I went up on the teacher" ขึ้นครู. <- that's a thai idiom for the first time a guy goes with a prostitute.

The dad was beside himself with joy, he said, "Son, how old are you 12? Sheesh I didn't go up on the teacher until I was 14, let's go buy you a brand new bicycle!"

They piled into the truck drove to the bike shop where the father bought the kid a bike with every bell and whistle available on it.

Then the father said, "You ride it home, I'll follow you in the truck.'

The kid says, "Umm dad can't we take it home with the truck? My ass still hurts."

That's it man, put a fork in me, I'm done...

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Good grief. That's an old (not very good) joke that has been totally destroyed by trying to "thai" it.

here is the original:

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.

When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."

The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my ass still hurts."

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Originally Posted by nidhogg

Good grief. That's an old (not very good) joke that has been totally destroyed by trying to "thai" it.

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OMMFG! Nidhogg are you sure? I swear I'd never heard the english version before.

All I did was translate it from thai back to english after I read it in Thai language version of Maxim magazine a while back as it won the joke of the month contest!

I thought it interesting they managed to work that idiom ขึ้นครู (mount/go up on the teacher) which every thai in this country knows, into the joke.

I did hear the thai language version of that old joke about a guy wanting to finger a girl, when he did she said, take off your ring, and he said he wasn't wearing a ring it was his wrist watch.

I guess it's entirely possible that thai jokes are just recycled english ones.. Dunno..

I wonder if I can take old english language jokes and morph 'em into thai after taking into account geography, idiomatic terms and thai culture? I bet they'd win joke of the month in Maxim, Stuff, Playboy, Penthouse, or FHM.

Please note this post was made without the the letter z ending any words...:)

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Please note this post was made without the the letter z ending[at]any[at]words...

[at][at][at][at] [at]

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Ruined by the fact you started the post with an OMFG!