Thread: Jewish Jokes

Zip problems
Naomi is waiting for a bus to take her to Brent Cross shopping centre. When it arrives she tries to get on, but because she’s wearing a very tight mini skirt, she can't get her leg up onto the first step of the bus. So she reaches behind her, undoes her zipper a little and tries again to get on the bus. But she can’t - her skirt is still very tight. So she again reaches behind her and undoes the zipper a little bit more. But she still can’t lift her leg.
She’s getting a bit flummoxed (anxious) now because there are people behind her waiting to get on. So she reaches behind her a 3rd time and yanks the zip all the way down. But she can’t believe it – she still can’t lift her leg.
Just then, the man directly behind her picks her up and drops her into the bus. Instead of thanking him, Naomi turns to him and says angrily, "How dare you? Only a close friend would dare do such a thing."
The man smiles at her and says, "Please forgive me. After the expert way you dealt with my zipper, I really thought we were friends."

The braggers
Abe is flying home to London on a BA scheduled flight after attending a business meeting in Paris. A Frenchman and an Italian are seated next to him. After a while, the three get talking about their home lives.
"Last night," brags the Frenchman, "I made love to my wife four times and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."
"That’s nothing," responds the Italian, "last night I made love to my wife six times and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love any other man."
Abe remains silent, so the Frenchman asks him, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night, monsieur?"
"Once," Abe replies.
"Only once?" snorts the Italian, arrogantly, "and what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop," replies Abe.

Yossel Abramovitz works in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he suddenly develops a very powerful desire to put his shlong in the pickle slicer. After three months of restraint, Yossel can’t stand it any more and decides to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He then spends many sessions with a psychiatrist who finally gives up on him.
"Yossel," says the psychiatrist, "because your desire to put your penis in the pickle slicer is so powerful, the only way to get over it is to actually do it."
"OK," says Yossel, "I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning at work. I promise."
And next day, Yossel does what he promised. But at 11am, he arrives back at his house. This worries his wife Sarah and she asks him why he’s home so early. Yossel tells her for the first time about his desire; that he couldn't take it any more, and that today he did it and got fired as a result.
Sarah gasps, runs over to him, pulls down his trousers and pants – and sees his shlong perfectly normal and intact. She looks up at him and says, "I don't understand, Yossel, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too," replies Yossel

Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.


Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"


During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"


During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman. "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"
"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup.
"Please, sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for seventy-three cents in New York? It costs at least a dollar!"
The beggar replied, "So who buys retail?"

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?


A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!


"Sarah, how's that boy of yours?"
"David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel"
"That's terrible!"
"I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?


A rabbi is on his deathbed, and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert. Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."

Moishe and Solly are passing a Catholic Church and see a sign that reads "Convert to Catholicism, $50 Cash."
Moishe turns to his friend Solly and says, "Hey, I'm going to try it." He enters the church and returns a few minutes later
"So, did you convert? What was it like?" Solly eagerly asks.
"It was nothing", says Moishe, "I walked in, a priest sprinkled holy water on me, and said 'you're a Catholic.'"
"Wow," says Solly "and did you get the $50?"
"You Jews," replies Moishe "all you think about is money!"

An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning:
Q: Where were you born?!
A: St. Petersburg.
Q: Where do you live?!
A: Leningrad.
Q: (menacingly) Where would you like to die?!
A: St. Petersburg.


An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?"
The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?"
The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?"
The Russian asks: "What's an 'opinion'?"
The American asks: "What's the third world?"
The Israeli asks: "What's 'excuse me'?"

Paddy, Jock and Mo are standing outside a pub in London, skint.
Paddy says "Oi'd really love a Guinness. But oI got no money".
Mo just shrugs, and raises his palms.
Jock says, "Three Pints it is then- I'll pay". Oh dear.




The headlines next day:-
Jewish ventriloquist found dead in Alley

Go To Shul!!
One Saturday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for shul, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not ?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to shul.

One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."