Thread: Jewish Jokes

how do you know your in a jewish household...theres a fork in the sugarbowl and tampons on the washing line,

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?



Is ANYTHING all right?”

What do jews do when their house is cold.
They gather around a candle.

When it's really really cold.....
they light it.

An elderly jewish woman decided to prepare her will and told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Asda
"Asda?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Asda?"
"Then I'll be sure my sons visit me twice a
week."

Q. What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Vulture?

A. The Vulture waits until you're dead!

A young Jewish boy enters his fathers office and says "Dad I need Five Dollars." The Father replies "Four Dollars, what do you need Three Dollars for?"

The Jewish Samurai
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

the answer to the first post is true alright .
they never let you finish a sentence .
always have to barge your way in and say what you got to say.

How was copper wire invented?

Two jews fighting over a penny

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

A Pakistani man is lying on his death dead with his family gathered around him.

"Woman" he says to his wife, "are my family here?"
"Yes" replies.
"Are my sons here?" he asks.
"Yes" says the wife, "they are both here".
"are my daughters here?" he enquires.
"Yes" answers the wife, "Gerjit and Amira are here my husband, don't worry"
"Worry" he says.
"Who is looking after the fucking shop?"

the subject is JEW JOKES

feel free to start a paki joke thread

Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the gas oven.

The trip to the doctor
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.

If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die,"

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."

The brothel visit-2
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges £1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten £100 notes. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again at the door of the brothel, demanding Natalie. Natalie came down and explained to him that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me £3,000 to give to y

DIY
Like most Jewish wives, Rachel could never get her husband to do anything around the house. Issy would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more – and he would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated Rachel quite a bit.
One day the toilet overflowed. When Issy got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is bunged up. Would you look at it?" Issy snarled, "What do I look like - Mr plumber?" and promptly sat down on the sofa to watch TV.
The next day, the vacuum cleaner wouldn't work. When Issy got home, Rachel said, very nicely, "Honey, the vacuum cleaner won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, Issy growled, "What do I look like - Mr. Hoover?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When Issy got home, Rachel steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washing machine isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like - Mr Electrolux?"
Finally, Rachel had had enough. The next morning, she called three repairmen, one to fix the toilet, one, the vacuum cleaner, and the other the washing machine. When her husband got home, Rachel said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
Issy frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by either baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
Rachel smiled. "What do I look like - Mrs Kipling?"

The return from work
Benny comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from his bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife, Sarah, naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries Sarah.
Benny rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Maurice is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
Benny slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother Maurice, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!" says Benny, "Sarah’s having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

The accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately, his penis got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy, “Don’t worry, we can replace it with a small sized penis for £5,000, a medium sized penis for £15,000, or an extra-large sized penis for £30,000. I realise it’s a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife.”
When the doctor came back into the room later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, “My wife says she’d rather have a new kitchen.”

Moshe, just 5 feet tall, is in a lift on his own when, on the 3rd floor, a giant of a man gets into the lift with him. He’s so big that Moshe just can’t help staring up at him. The giant sees Moshe staring at him and says, "Yes, I’m big, aren’t I? I’m 7 feet 3 inches, 330 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 pounds each testicle, Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Oy Vay," and immediately faints to the floor. The giant kneels down and starts to gently slap Moshe’s face and shake him. When Moshe gains consciousness, the giant asks him, "Is there anything wrong with you?"
In a croaky voice, Moshe replies, "What exactly did you say to me just before?"
The giant replies, "I saw the look on your face when you first saw me and thought I’d give you answers to the questions going through your mind. So I told you I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, weigh 330 pounds, have a 15 inch penis, each of my testicles weigh 2 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Thank goodness, I thought you said, 'turn around.'"

I support single moms also.

3K posts DD?

Where's my discount on my Saga travel insurance?

there dogs them

Originally Posted by Mr Brown

Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the gas oven.

Jewish Jokes 24-06-2010 03:49 PM nidhogg Not funny.





Why click on the thread? It is a Jewish joke thread after all

Originally Posted by Lorenzo

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

A Pakistani man is lying on his death dead with his family gathered around him.

"Woman" he says to his wife, "are my family here?"
"Yes" replies.
"Are my sons here?" he asks.
"Yes" says the wife, "they are both here".
"are my daughters here?" he enquires.
"Yes" answers the wife, "Gerjit and Amira are here my husband, don't worry"
"Worry" he says.
"Who is looking after the fucking shop?"

the subject is JEW JOKES

feel free to start a paki joke thread

That's the worst Jew joke of the entire thread so far

A radio show prank calls a girls devout Jewish parents.


Jewish Prank Audio Clip

The inexperienced couple
Yitzhak and Leah decide to marry. However, they are both so inexperienced that neither knows what they have to do on their wedding night. So they go to Rabbi Bloom for advice.
After hearing their story, Rabbi Bloom takes them upstairs to his bedroom and says to Leah, "I want you to get undressed and get on my bed. I’ll get undressed too and then I’ll be able to show you both exactly what you will have to do on your wedding night."
So Leah gets undressed as she was told and gets up on the bed. Rabbi Bloom then begins to demonstrate on Leah the steps and actions involved in making love. From start to finish!
As soon as Rabbi Bloom finishes, he starts getting dressed, saying to Yitzhak, "Well, that’s what you have to do, Yitzhak. You can see that it has worked by the lovely glowing look on Leah’s face. So now I suggest you take her home and practice what I’ve shown you."
But then Leah interrupts and says, "Hold on Rabbi, could you please show Yitzhak again what to do. He’s a little forgetful."