Why is it that pensioners can remember an entire war,
but forget four fucking digits at a chip and pin machine?

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Kids today!

My lad said earlier "Can we go to McDonald's?"

I said "yes we can if you can spell it."

He replied "Fuck it, can we go to KFC instead?"

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Disability Cockney Rhyming Slang

1. Mutton Jeff.....................................deaf
2. Canary Wharf..................................dwarf
3. Cardinal Wolsey...............................cerebral palsy
4. Raspberry ripple...............................cripple
5. Rubber and plastic............................spastic
6. Tulips and roses...............................multiple sclerosis
7. Bacon rind......................................blind
8. Diet Pepsi.......................................epilep sy
9. Benny and the fucking cunting Jets.....Tourette’s
10. Birds and bees...............................amputees

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I used to like that Mock The Week but not anymore after last week's show made a joke about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 23.2087398683 minutes into the programme.

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What's the difference between Gordon Brown and a Strap-on?.
You might actually have a smile on your face whilst being fucked by the Strap-on

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I bought a sat-nav the other day. What a useless piece of shit.
I had it on as I drove around Woburn Safari Park.
At one point it said "Now, bear left."
I looked left - It was a monkey having a wank.
Looked fuck all like a bear.

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I saw a Childline ad the other day that said, "Sarah's uncle forces her to do things she's too young to understand".
Well, I'm fucking old and I can't do long division either.

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The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.

The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.

Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret.

"Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

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I used to be totally against kids getting smacked, but I changed my mind last night.

I gave my kids a few grams each before bed, and they went straight off to sleep.