Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
***
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
***
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
***
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
***
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?

A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
***
Q: Why do men fart more than women?

A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
***
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
***
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
***
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.
***
Q: Why do men die before their wives?

A: They want to.
***
--------------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

***
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
***
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I Don't Like to interrupt her.
***
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It 's called a Wedding Cake.
***
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering
***
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
***
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
***
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for 4 days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
***
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. The all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
***
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
***
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.