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  1. #451
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    A pissed off wife is complaining about her husband spending all of his free time at the pub.

    So, one night he took her along. What'll you have?" he asked.

    "Oh I don't know, same as you I suppose."

    So he ordered two beers, and threw his down in a couple of gulps.

    His wife watched him, then took a sip and immediately spat it out.

    "Yuk, that's terrible; I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

    "Well, there you go, and you think I'm out every night enjoying myself?"

  2. #452
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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced eleven husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married eleven times?"

    Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

    Husband #11 was a telecom site acquisition; he said that as there was a lot of clutter around the mound he wasn't sure that he could make a link. He then said that my breasts were another option but that he would need a cherry picker to do the job properly!

    "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"'
    'You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm really gonna get screwed!"

  3. #453
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  4. #454
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Not quite a joke, but gives pause for thought in light of the shambles we call an economy.

    An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
    The banker pulled out the loan application.
    "What are you going to do with the money?" he asks.
    "Buy silver, make jewelry, and sell to white man."
    "What have you got for collateral?"
    "Don't know collateral," replied the old man.
    "Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan, in case you cannot repay it. Do you have any vehicles?"
    "Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the native.
    The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
    "Yes, I have horse," replied the man.
    "How old is it?" the banker asks.
    "Don't know, have no teeth."
    After humming and haaing, the banker finally decides to make the $500 loan.
    Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. "Here to pay," he said, pulling out one of several bundles of notes from his bag, and handing it to the banker to pay his loan.
    "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.
    "Take home", replied the native.
    "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.
    "Don't know deposit," replied the man.
    "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."
    The old man leaned across the desk and asks the banker, "What you got for collateral?"

  5. #455
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    nora tittoff's Avatar
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    too long for quick jokes....-46916-jpg

  6. #456
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

    As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man politely declined, saying they were just fine, and were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

    She answered: 'The teeth"

  7. #457
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember.
    They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of
    cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators. One day while they are
    sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says, “You know Frank, me
    and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we’ve enjoyed our cricket all that time.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Well,” Ted continues, “we’ve both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point
    where we’ve got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?” asks Ted.
    Frank says: “I don’t know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other,
    let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”
    “Sounds good to me,” says Frank.
    A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back
    to the pavilion. About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he
    recognizes as his old deceased mate.
    Franks says: “Ted, is it thee?”
    “Aye,” says Ted. “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there
    was cricket in Heaven.”
    Frank answers, “Aye.”
    “Well,” says Ted, “there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”
    Frank considers his options for a moment. “I’ll have the good news first, please.”
    So Ted starts with the good news. “There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is
    always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and
    vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the
    afternoon teas are to die for.”
    “That’s great,” says Frank, “but, what’s the bad news then?”
    Ted replies: “You’re opening the batting for us next Monday.”

  8. #458
    Thailand Expat TheRealKW's Avatar
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    Ha ha.

  9. #459
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    Two Aussies on holiday are driving on a remote dirt road. On the side of the road, and old blackfella elder was sitting cross legged, his flowing white beard giving some clue to his age and experience. Out of curiosity, they stop to talk to him.
    "We've heard that your people have amazing eyesight. Can you tell us what that cloud of dust is off in the distance?"
    The old fella squints, shields his eyes and says "'58 FC Holden ute. Two people in the front, two people, two dogs and a slab of beer in the back."
    "That's incredible! You can see all that from here?"
    "Nah I fell off the bastard five minutes ago!

  10. #460
    Your local I.Q. Monitor
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    A man sits down next to a rather large woman at a bus stop. He asks the woman, "what time is it due?" The woman angrily replies, "How dare you assume I am pregnant just because I have a fuller figure you are an extremely rude man. The man says," You have totally misunderstood me. I was actually referring to what time the bus would arrive you fat bitch.

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