Thread: A Real Lawyer.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
  * Witness: "I only have one, you know."
  
  * Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
  * Witness: "By death."
  * Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
  
  * Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
  The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
  
  * Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
  * Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
  
  * Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
  * Witness: "Yes."
  * Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
  * Witness: "I forget."
  * Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
  
  * Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  * Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  * Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  * Witness: "My name is Susan."
  
  * Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
  * Witness: "Yes."
  * Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
  * Witness: "Yes, sir."
  * Lawyer: "What did she say?"
  * Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
  
  * Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
  
  * Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
  
  * Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  * Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  * Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  * Witness: "No."
  
  * Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man"
  * Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
  
  * Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
  
  * Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
  
  * Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
  
  * Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  
  * Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
  
  * Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  * Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
  
  * Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
  * Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
  * Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
  
  * Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
  * Witness: "That's me."
  * Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
  
  * Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"