Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door the other day and asked if I'd like to know about God.
Being bored, and curious as to their slant on things, I invited them in.
We sat down in the lounge and I waited. After a while I asked, "Well?"
They replied, "We don't know what to say. We've never made it this far before."
Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.
Q. What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
OK, If we're going there, what's the best thing a woman can put behind her ears?
Her ankles.
Clinton or Trump?
That's like picking between Kate or Gerry McCann to babysit for you.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
^ I dunno.....I've never had a man in my bed, let alone gasping for breath and calling my name.
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"I'm fine"
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
I've just painted myself head to toe in creosote, it's not often I treat myself
Jimmy phoned the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods, it contains a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," replied the operator, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" said Jimmy, "But I suppose that would explain the suitcase."
^^^^
Took a minute!!!
Just put my 'dogging' gear on eBay. No bidders yet, but 12 people watching.
I was kidnapped by a gang of mime artists...
They did unspeakable things to me.
My local pub is pretty rough.
I went to the quiz night and the first question asked was, "What the f*#k are you looking at?"
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