Thread: Jewish Jokes

Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!

What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Canoes tip

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

The Jewish dilema.

"Free pork"

Why do Jews have big noses?

Air comes free

Originally Posted by mr Fred

Why do Jews have big noses?

Air comes free

I love this shit.
I am half Jewish.
I still love this shit.

Becky goes to the gynocologist who examines her and says, "Wow! You have the biggest labia I've ever seen!" Becky turns red and says, "I know Dr. It's really been a source of embarassment my entire life!" The doctor eeplies, "Becky, I can reduce it very easily. Making it smaller is a simple operatrion." "OK," says Becky, "but I don't want anyone to know.

The only people who can know must be on a need-to-know basis!"

A week later, Becky awakens from the operation in a hospital room filled to the brim with flowers. "Dr., she exclaims, "This was on a need-to-know basis! Where did all of these flower come from?" "It was on a need-to-know basis," he replied. "One dozen roses was from me for your being such a good patient! The rest are from Mr. Goldstein on the Burn Unit on the fourth floor who wants to thank you for his new ears!"





The family of an elderly Arab gentleman have searched everywhere for a
nursing home for him. At last they find one - a Jewish home.

Some days pass, and his son calls to visit. "How is it here?" he asks.
"It's great", the old man replies. "Do you know, they address everyone
here by their title, no matter how long it is since they practised their vocation.

"There's a conductor who hasn't stood in front of an orchestra for 30
years, but they still call him maestro. And a doctor who hasn't lifted a
stethoscope for 20 years, but is still addressed as Doctor Cohen. An
academic who retired 25 years ago is still called Professor."

"What about you?" the son asks. "It's the same with me", replies the old
man. "I haven't had sexual intercourse for 40 years, but they still call me
the f*ing Arab."

A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats...

The Irishman builder quotes £500,000....

"How did arrive at that figure?" asked the contractor....

" £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials.


The Scotish builder quotes £600,000...

£300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials.


The Jewsh builder quotes £1 millon....

The contractor sais "how did arrive at that figure?"

"Easy" sais the Jewish builder " £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me.... and we will get the Irishman to do the job

sadie is just getting over moishes death, when she tries to puts an advert in the Jewish Chronicle.'

Yes ma'am what would you like to rut in the advert?' the sales person said

'Moishes dead. Yes thats it Moishes dead.'says sadie.

'Ok' said the sales person on the phone, 'But you do realise that this advert is 5 words minimum.'

'Oh!' said sadie, and after a few moments thought she says......

'Ok then, can you please put.......Moishes dead, volvo for sale.'

reuben and moishe are walking down the road after work, talking about the days events.

When in the corner of reubens eye, he saw laying in the gutter an envolope. As he picked it up he said ''i vonder what dis is?''
''i dont know''says moishe ''Go on all ready open it'' So reuben opens the envolope, and to his amazment its a wage packet.
''oy vey, £350.00... what luck''
''Luck. Luck...just look at the tax you paid !!!!!''

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.



After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!



Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."



The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Moshe was married to Fanny for many years, but his life was now coming to an end.
They had four daughters - three beautiful girls, anyone would be proud to call them their daughters, and the fourth was incredibly ugly and it had cost him a fortune to find a suitable man to take her on in marriage.

Being a proud man he had always wondered whether, after producing three gorgeous girls, how they could possibly have had the ugly duckling. Perhaps Fanny had strayed?

As he lay on his deathbed, still worrying about the parentage of his fourth, he decided to ask Fanny outright.

Gasping for his last breaths; holding Fanny's hand, staring down at the bottom of the bed where the four girls stood obediently, he pointed to the ugly one and managed to gasp...."Fanny.... Fanny......tell me.....tell me...... is she really my daughter?"

Fanny smiled...."Moshe, I swear to you, she is your daughter."

Moshe smiled, relieved, and breathed his last. A contented man at last.

Turning away, Fanny stared out of the window and muttered ..."Thank ... he didn't ask about the other three..."

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

I am half Jewish.

I'm half mormon.

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

I am half Jewish.

Originally Posted by Dug

I'm half mormon.

I'm half pissed

No, that's moron Dug.

A Pakistani man is lying on his death dead with his family gathered around him.

"Woman" he says to his wife, "are my family here?"
"Yes" replies.
"Are my sons here?" he asks.
"Yes" says the wife, "they are both here".
"are my daughters here?" he enquires.
"Yes" answers the wife, "Gerjit and Amira are here my husband, don't worry"
"Worry" he says.
"Who is looking after the fucking shop?"

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

No, that's moron Dug.

Very clever. How on earth do you come up with them.

How Do U Count The Jews In A Town.roll A Dollar Coin Down The Street Count The Bodies And Add One

Originally Posted by Dug

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

I am half Jewish.

I'm half mormon.

I hope its the bottom half cuz that means lots of sex. If its the top half it means no alcohol.

Originally Posted by Humbert

Originally Posted by Dug

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

I am half Jewish.

I'm half mormon.

I hope its the bottom half cuz that means lots of sex. If its the top half it means no alcohol.

Adjust as necessary, same as all religions.

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

Originally Posted by Humbert

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

Heard same same joke but it was a TV ad with Jesus running away.

Originally Posted by the dogcatcher

A Pakistani man is lying on his death dead with his family gathered around him.

"Woman" he says to his wife, "are my family here?"
"Yes" replies.
"Are my sons here?" he asks.
"Yes" says the wife, "they are both here".
"are my daughters here?" he enquires.
"Yes" answers the wife, "Gerjit and Amira are here my husband, don't worry"
"Worry" he says.
"Who is looking after the fucking shop?"

Didn't know they Paki fuking jews also

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful. What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said: “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied:” You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair.”
The rabbi said: “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”