Thread: 20 Ways to Recreate Thailand in Your Very Own Home

Now that I am soon about to depart for the arctic north, I may perhaps one day come to miss this place called Thailand, but if so happens, I have a plan - recreate Thailand at home!

1) Re-create the feel of being in a short-time hotel room by hanging up two grubby towels with the texture of a Weetabix, taking a shower with a bar of soap no bigger than your thumbnail and getting your wife to periodically bang on the door for no reason whatsoever.

2) Re-create the Soi Patpong atmosphere by getting your neighbors kid to wave a piece of white card in your face while you walk to the bus stop and getting someone to empty a tarpaulin full of rainwater all over you when you’re least expecting it.

3) Recreate the feeling of being in a beer bar by getting your neighbor’s gorgeous daughter to dress up in her kinkiest gear, cover herself with sexy make-up and body tattoos and then sit 10 feet away and ignore you.

4) Recreate the feeling of being in a King’s Group go-go bar by getting a large German gentleman and a Japanese salary man to squash you from either side and then pour their beers all over you.

5) Recreate the atmosphere of Washington Square by wearing a baseball cap with the name of some obscure American submarine and then walking around calling everyone a goddam whore.

6) Recreate the excitement of being in a tuk-tuk by getting your kids to rock the sofa violently while your wife blows smoke rings into your face.

7) Recreate that Bangkok massage parlour atmosphere by getting your wife to manhandle your privates clumsily while the next-door neighbors enjoy frantic and satisfying sex on the other side of a paper-thin wall.

8) Savor the memories of a Bangkok McDonalds by getting your wife to serve your pie, chips and peas at 5 – minute intervals.

9) Ask your friendly newsagent to re-create the full Bangkok 7-11 experience by serving everyone else in the shop before you and then asking if you’d like a loaf of bread to go with your newspaper.

10) Recreate the feeling of being in the Casanova bar by getting 5 of your mates to put wigs on and then while 4 of them hold you down on the sofa, the other one tries to get your trouser snake out.

11) Set up a small picnic table on the driveway and eat a piece of undercooked chicken while your missis revs the bollocks off your motor and covers you in exhaust fumes – hey presto! Bangkok street-food.

12) Recreate that unmistakable ‘Maid wants to clean my room’ feeling by tugging yourself off to your favorite Playboy centerfold and just at the point of no return, get your wife to bang on the door loud enough to wake the dead.

13) Recreate the feeling of being in Pattaya by getting up at 6.00 in the evening, eating bacon and eggs and pissing off back to bed for two hours.

14) Recreate the Soi 7 Beer garden by getting your 60-year old neighbor to wink at you from over the garden fence while you eat a large, unappetizing German sausage and drink copious amounts of flat beer.

15) Recreate that Sky-train ticket barrier experience by getting your wife to smack you in the stomach with an iron bar or crush your plums between two large encyclopedias.

16) Recreate Songkran in your own back garden by dressing up in your best suit and then getting your kids to douse you in buckets of dirty water.

17) Recreate some of those magical Bangkok moments by cutting your image from all your wedding photos and getting your wife to lock herself in the bathroom for 3 hours.

18) Recreate the trying to sunbathe at Jomtien Beach experience by getting various members of the family to walk past you in single file holding wooden men with pop-up dicks, rope hammocks, outsize fans made from peacock feathers, and a whole plethora of useless fuckin' tat.

19) Cut the bottom three inches off your best pair of trousers, put on a suit jacket that you used to wear when you were 15 kgs lighter. Get your wife to black her face and tell you how wonderful you look. Hey Presto - close your eyes and you could be in a Bangkok tailor's shop.

20) Recreate the Bangkok taxi meter experience by getting a neigbor to drive you round the block in his knackered old Datsun and talk a load of inconsequential bollocks for the complete duration. Before dropping you off half a mile from your house.

Funny indeed, I've got a good tip to recreate that Thai feeling and give you a constant reminder of what your missing...

re-wire all of your light switches so the when the switch is in the on position down the lights are off and when the switch is up in the off position the lights are on, also make sure the nearest switch turns on the lights furthest away and the furthest switch turns on the light nearest to you, also remove the bathroom light from inside the bathroom and make sure the main lightswitch that you use when you come in is on the otherside of the room.