Letter from Burma

[Simon43]

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I packed my bags and left Phuket for the delights of darkest Yangon, (or Rangoon, as us Brits fondly remember the colonial days).

My primary purpose for making this move is nothing to do with career advancement or the chance to pick up some nasty and exotic deseases from a nasty and exotic woman. I am here on a mission to obtain an amateur radio licence...

As I've mentioned too many times, I like to struggle with the radio ether, when others would simply send an email. What better challenge than to transmit from Burma, where the slightest hint of illegal or dubious activities can land you in the notorious Insein Prison (for the insane?), which is no doubt somewhat tougher than the ponsy, 5-star Bangkok Hilton.

In order to further my quest for this elusive radio licence, I was required to obtain employment in Yangon, since radio licences are only issued to holders of business visas. I searched long and hard for the high-flying executive post that would pay 4 billion kyat per month - but in the end, I had to settle for the lowly position of English teacher.

And so I find myself at the grand old age of 53 years doing daily impressions of The Wiggles, as I seek to educate and entertain a classroom of 7 year old Burmese kids, most of whom look as weird as hell with their faces generously daubed with yellow Tanakha paste.

Luckily (or not), I am also required to teach adult students, which is actually less demanding than the kids. (Young kids cannot hack 1 hour of teaching without getting bored - you have to liven things up every 10 minutes by singing 'Old MacDonald had a Burmese Farm'...)

I have enlisted the help of a fellow female teacher in my quest for getting the radio licence. I suspect she thinks that I'm merely using the licence issue as an excuse for getting inside her pants, since surely no-one can be as daft as relocating to a foreign country just to satisfy the requirements to apply for this damn licence.

She and her friends suggested that I don't need the licence and just go ahead and start transmitting, which doubles my suspicion that she wants me off the scene pronto.

Last night, I sought out the comfort of a local lass. Yangon doesn't have any go-go bars, (at least not public ones). Instead, the 'ladies' put on a cattle show, where they parade up and down a catwalk whilst one of them sings terrible Burmese karaoke. A more direct message of 'buy me and fcuk me' could not be given, but I have no wish for sloppy Burmese seconds...

The only saving grace so far in this rain-swept city is the cheap price of food and drink. My average daily spend on breakfast, lunch, evening meal and beer is less than 200 baht.

The reliability of the electricity supply, internet, cable TV and water supply is alas, not good. The only thing that I have found to be reliable so far is that it will piss down with rain for at least 10 hours every day...

Simon

[Mid]

Letter from Burma

Keep 'em coming mate .

[Simon43]

I'll start to add some photos of this fine city...

[Norton]

Along with a few pics. Nice tale.

[Norton]

^^beat me too it.

[Thetyim]

Start with the catwalk

[Simon43]

Start with the catwalk

Welll, that was my plan, and so I ventured out into the pouring rain tonight for a bite to eat and a beer or two.

Since arriving in Yangon, I've had a streaming nose and cough, which suggests that the weather is too damn cold for me, being used to the sultry beaches of Phuket. So tonight I set off in search of a fleece jacket.

The choice of attire was barren, and I had the choice of 1 fleece jacket for the pricely sum of 250 baht - a lurid green colour printed with skulls - the sort of thing your average 'innit' teenager would wear. Since most Burmese seem to have a poor choice of clothes sense, and since I really had no choice if I were to avoid pneumonia, I purchased the said item and made my way to the 'Cattle Club' for a bite to eat and a spot of frotterism with the local lasses.

Apparently, photography is banned in this upmarket establishment, (probably because the management fear that photos would scare off future potential punters). So I will have to limit myself to describing the site of a 'large' lass singing a Burmese pop song whilst showing off thighs that Schwarzanegger (spelling?) would be proud off.

I can't say that I like Burmese music. I very much enjoy Thai and Lao Morlam, but Burmese music is definitely closer to the sounds of the Indian sub-continent than Thai or Lao music.

Burmese girls don't seem to smile much. I suppose they haven't got much to smile about really, after decades of military rule.

Now, as for the Burmese men, I have to say that with the exception of rough Scots guys, I really do not trust a man who wears a skirt. And in the China Town area of Yangon where I live, perhaps 95% of the men wear skirts, or longyi - to use the local term.

Anyway, I had a rather solitary evening out, a plate of chicken and 2 good beers, and paid 70 baht for the bill.

Tomorrow, I have to teach adult English classes. My students are keen to learn the language, but due to the lack of mother-tongue speakers, their current linguistic abilities totally murder our great English tongue. Apparently I am a very popular teacher, because my clear accent surpasses the broad Scots accent of the previous teacher.

Eager to practice their new-found language skills, I've encouraged my students to hassle the foreign tourists who are to be found in increasing numbers at the beautiful Burmese pagodas in Yangon. Therefore, if you are visiting Yangon and are accosted by a Burmese asking after your 'glandmother', please refrain from telling them to take a hike. Engage them in some idle banter and compliment them on their English language skills. This will undoubtedly lead to more sign-ups for my classes ==> more $$$ in my pocket

Simon

[kingwilly]

I love the longyi, comfortable and practical.

[Albert Shagnastier]

What a nutty adventure - rock on mate

Is the broadcast license a labour of love or a financial gambit?

[Mid]

Eager to practice their new-found language skills, I've encouraged my students to hassle the foreign tourists

Indo also utilised this trick , cica late 80's Ambon Island .

[Simon43]

Right - I finally sorted out browsing/uploading photos from my Linux OS laptop, (I use Puppy Linux on a thumb-drive cos I'm sick of Windows and sick of my hard disk fatally dying on a regular basis)

Anyway, back to Burma! My current accommodation (which is provided by my school free of charge for 6 weeks until I find my own place to stay), is located in Latha Township, which is the China town of Yangon. It's right next to the river and docks.

Here's the view from my window. Looks rather like Havana or perhaps some fading French colonial suburb of Hanoi.



In this area, there are plenty of street markets, with fresh fruit and vegetables.



Unlike most of Yangon, trishaws abound here, mainly because there is not heavy car traffic



On this particular day - Monday - it's my day off from paid work (at the language school). So my plan was to take the ferry across the river to Dala Township which lies opposite Yangon.

Here's the ferry, with a return ticket for foreigners charged at $2, as opposed to about $0.2 for the locals...



It takes only about 10 minutes for the ferry to cross over to Dala. There are plans to build a bridge between Yangon and Dala, and Chinese businessmen have already bought up cheap land in Dala, in the hope of making a killing when land prices shoot up after the bridge is built. But I reckon there are many more urgent issues right now to deal with than a new bridge to Dala.

Although Dala is only 10 minutes away from busy Yangon, the lack of a bridge means that it is mainly rural - and very poor. This area was severally flooded when Cyclone Nargis hit a few years ago. Most houses are built of wood or bamboo...

My purpose in visiting Dala was because I knew that there was an orphanage and monastery school in the village. After getting help from some local kids who spoke a little English, I was led to the monastery. There I found perhaps 150 local kids in the free school that was provided by the monks. The children were aged between about 5-10 years old, and shit poor. They were learning Burmese and also some written English.

Apart from tourists, I was the first foreigner to visit the school with the purpose of helping out. After explaining about my paid teaching job, we all agreed that I would come and teach English on my day off for about 3 hours to the 150 kids (aaahhhh - I must be mad!!!).

So, as from next week, I will have ample opportunity to improve on my Wiggles impressions and ability to jump around the classroom like a complete nellie whilst trying to persuade the kids to speak English.

Joking aside - these kids were very friendly and desperate to learn spoken English, which could help them to create a viable income for their families in the future, especially as the number of foreign tourists increases.

(Of course, the ability to speak English could mean that some of these kids end up selling their bodies to foreign sex tourists and pedos...my work as a volunteer English teacher is but the first step in a 'master plan' to ensure that kids like these get a step-up in live AND do not need to resort to sex-work, (unless they are adults and make a free choice to do this).

Keeping on-topic, I also wanted to find accommodation in rural Dala so that I could enjoy my radio hobby without too much electrical interference. Although there is simple accommodation for rent in the village, no-one will dare to rent it to a foreigner, because the locals are too scared of the local police to inform them that a foreigner is staying in their house... So I guess one task next Monday is for me to go and visit the local police boss with some JW Black...

I'll add more photos to this thread soon....

Simon

[Simon43]

Today being the last day of the month, meant that it was payday. Hurrah!! But my dreams of wasting all my hard-earned cash on dirty women was tempered by the sobering fact that I had to send some money to my beloved in Thailand, to give to her 'brother', (only joking - I'm sure she is as good as gold - well as good as me anyway...)

But how to send her money? As yet, Myanmar is still cut off from international banking. inasmuch as whilst it is now possible to wire funds from overseas to a Burmese bank account, it is still not possible to do this the other way round, from Myanmar to the outside world.

Luckily, there exists a network of 'underground' money transfer agents. You simply hand them your money, pay a small commission fee, and your funds miraculously appear in the foreign bank account of your choice within a day or two.

This system has been operating for centuries and operates by trust. (IE - You trust the money transfer agent to send your money as promised, and he trusts that you will break his legs if he doesn't)

Anyway, after asking around, I was given the address of a money transfer agent in Yangon, so off I went in a taxi, clutching my billions of Burmese kyat to send to the missus.

The agent was located in a pleasant house and the front door was wide open, so I walked straight in.

The following scenario reminded me of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch...

3 people were in the room, clustered around a large currency counting machine, which was in the process of counting what looked like the entire GDP of Ethiopia, (or of Myanmar for that matter). Strewn around the table were piles and piles of Burmese currency.

'Hi there' I announced in a cheerful voice, and the 3 characters ran behind the desk, looking guilty. The money counting machine continued to hum away in mid-stream.

'Is this the money transfer office' I asked.

The 3 guys looked at me, looked at the piles of money on the desk, looked at the money counting machine. The boss guy replied

'No, why do you think that?'

'Er...' I looked at all the money again. The money counting machine seemed to be having an orgasm as it thumbed through the currency.

'My boss said you could help me send some money to Thailand. My boss is xxxx'

At the mention of my boss's name, smiles broke out on the faces of these guys.

'Oh THAT money transfer service!! Yes, that's us'

Anyway, smiles all around and they took my money and my wife's Thai bank account details, gave me a receipt, and promised that the funds would be deposited into her account the next day. They even gave me their business card to give to all the other teachers at my workplace who might need to use their services.

All in all, a very good service, (well, my wife can make the final decision on that if and when the money arrives)

Simon

[Mid]

Hell of an adventure Simon , keep the updates coming

[TizMe]

Just out of interest... what does an English teacher earn in Burma?

What qualifications are required?

[Butterfly]

Anyway, smiles all around and they took my money and my wife's Thai bank account details, gave me a receipt, and promised that the funds would be deposited into her account the next day. They even gave me their business card to give to all the other teachers at my workplace who might need to use their services.

makes you wonder why we event bother with SWIFT and other "routing agency"

drugs and money laundering could also explain why they have such an efficient system,

[natalie8]

Nice thread, Simon. Keep the stories and pics coming.

[Simon43]

@TizMe, well just because it's Burma doesn't mean that you can be a teacher without any qualifications, (well not at my international school anyway..). Strange as it might seem for a hotel manager from Thailand, I not only possess a TEFL certificate, but an MSc and BSc from London University, plus several years of teaching experience, (I kept that lot quiet on these boards...).

Actually, the main issue about working in Yangon seems to be the lack of accommodation. not only is it very expensive, but possible accommodation at cheaper rates is not rentable by foreigners because the owners are 'scared of what the police might do' - as they put it....

Salaries are a couple of thousand $ US per month, but I'm not here for the money.

Simon

[Simon43]

I ventured out in the rain again tonight in search of a business which offered wine, women and song, (well - beer, whores and karaoke actually). I was in luck, and located a pleasant establishment with a roof garden, (which didn't really work in the rain but wtf).

My main requirement was a good Myanmar beer.

'Do you have beer?' I asked the doorman.

'Yes, number one beer, two women, free fcuk' he replied.

The free fcuk sounded of interest until I realised that he meant 'number 3 (after beer and women), is fcuk.

Anyway, the beer and food was good enough. A large bottle of Myanmar Beer, two servings of chicken wings and an extra serving of french fries ==> 150 baht.

Since I was not yet in possession of condoms, I never got round to asking about the price of the women. In any case, no-one spoke a word of English - not even me after the large beer, so pleasure time will have to wait a visit to the chemist for prophalactycs.....

Simon

[khmen]

Great thread Simon, really enjoying it! Keep it coming mate.

I'm quite interested in visiting in the not too distant, so it's nice to hear how everday life is there from an expat rather than a tourists perspective.

[Gerbil]

What qualifications are required?

Insanity?

[Simon43]

Some interesting events from last night - the following are true events, no porkies.

The following day (Thursday) is a public holiday in Myanmar - something to do with the full moon of the 14th Waso. Burmese measure time/months in Wasos - see here for info:

Festivals of Burma - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So I decided not to go to bed early as is my norm, but to venture out to the cattle show at the ungodly hour of 9pm, (the bar/restaurant closes at 11.30pm).

On my previous visit, the food and drink was good enough, and the few girls who paraded on stage were pleasing to the eye.

Tonight however, as I savoured a large bottle of cold Myanmar beer, I was in for a surprise. At 9pm on the dot, a whole bevy of 'show-girls' began to arrive. After counting 50 of them, I stopped counting. Then the music started - Rock Lobster by the B52s (Burmese language version), followed by Jamaica Farewell by Jimmy Buffet, (Burmese version again).

The girls paraded on the stage and catwalk. Some of them wore full-length and elegant Burmese dresses, others wore a similar style Chinese dress, other girls sported tiny hot pants or faded denim shorts, whilst others paraded in casual clothes, jeans and T-shirt. There were no bare boobs - all quite civilised.

How would I rate them? Given my current forced celibate state for several years, (my wife doesn't do sex!), I would rate a mange-ridden sheep at a good 7, maybe an 8 if gumboots were supplied. These girls ranged from amateur and coy up to red-hot! There was not one FAT girl amongst them and I bet they were all born as girls.

Interesting for those who like a nice rack, (I'm not fussed myself), many girls had plenty of bosom, and I bet there wasn't any silicone within 200 metres of the catwalk.

The girls smiled at me and winked, and a discrete conversation with the bar-staff confirmed that they could offer after-hours entertainment...

(Of course, I was merely checking these facts to better understand the ins and outs of Burmese culture)

I ordered 2 servings of chicken wings, another large beer and some French fries, and settled down to watch the show, (I actually wanted to see what happened when the bar/restaurant closed at 11.30pm)

The girls' mamasan appeared beside me. She, (actually I think it was once a he), was a dwarf, about 3 feet 6 inches tall. (Isn't it strange how dwarfs seem to end up in positions of authority or power? I was thinking about the dwarf doorman on Sukhumvit Road, forgot the name of the bar...)

My instincts told me that to improve my chances of getting inside the girls' pants, I should befriend the dwarf mamasan, and so we chatted together, although he/she/it could only speak a little English.

'Wait' she said, 'I have to dance'. and with those words, the stage and catwalk were cleared of the beauties, and this dwarf began to furiously dance alone on stage, whirring around like an out-of-control frisbee. Imagine if you were in Rainbow Agogo, and the stage was cleared of the girls to allow a shrivelled dwarf to strut her stuff? Totally weird! But in order to further my cunning plan, I paid 100 baht for a waiter to put a length of Xmas tinsel around her neck. Being a dwarf, this tinsel all but smothered her

I had wondered what the girls would do between dances, and I very surprised to find that after a couple of dances, these girls would gather their belongings and all walk out of the bar, perhaps going to a similar and alternative establishment. How this worked out financially for the girls was not clear to me. Although I was assured that they could be bar-fined, I did not see one girl sitting with any of the Burmese guys, (perhaps I had unwittingly wandered into a gay bar???). BTW, I was the only foreigner in the bar.

To further my suspicions on this, a sad, middle-aged man sidled up to me for some small talk. It turned out that he was the keyboard player for the backing band.

'Beautiful girls' he said, waving his hand at the ladies on stage.

'Yes very nice' I replied. (Actually - very nice was a severe understatement, and I could have happily banged any one (or two or three) of them right there and then on my table.

The man leaned forward and whispered 'I like Longmans'.

I wasn't too sure whether this was some covert Burmese phrase for uphill gardening, so I replied 'Ah, which girl is that then?'

'No, Longmans English, very nice dik'.

Now I was convinced that he was offering something pink and fleshy to me, so I stared at him, expressionless.

He leaned forward even more and whispered 'Of course, Oxford English Dictionary is also very good'

WTF!? - this guy wants to discuss the merits of English dictionarys whilst there is a parade of beautiful ladies within metres of us? I guess that working as the keyboard player in a bar full of crumpet could get rather boring after a while. I quite fancied one of the girls who was wearing tiny black pvc shorts, but still had a nagging doubt that her name could be Longmans and she was married to the keyboard player....

I had learnt enough for one night and paid the bill. 2 large bottles of beer, a coffee, a plate of french fries, 2 portions of chicken wings and an Xmas tinsel for the dwarf cost me a total of 300 baht!

On the floor below the bar was a massage establishment, and I went to check it out, and to have a massage. It was a large place with many private rooms. I was assured that it only offered genuine massage and no hanky-panky, but it just looked a little too seedy for me to believe that. So I opted for 1 hour of massage for the price of 35 baht, (dear God, these prices are ridiculous - a teacher could live like a king). The girl was pleasant enough, about 30 years old, spoke almost no English. Her massage was very good since she walked up and down my body and back, (no heavy fat girls her...). Since I had suffered a riding accident years ago, (fell off the damn horse), I very much enjoy a woman walking up and down my back.

I did attempt to 'up the ante' with her, but she declined. Really strange that this massage place did not offer extras, especially since it was only 1 floor below the cattle show.

Finally, it was time for bed. As I took the lift down to the ground floor, the lift guy asked if I needed a woman for the night. '19 years old, very nice, stay in your room until 7am' he offered. Clearly it was not a problem to find paid company for the night.

And the price of this LT girl?, including the commission for the lift guy?? It could be had for the pricely sum of 750 baht....

Let me point out some obvious things here. Most foreigners in Yangon go to entertainment venues favoured by expats, such as 50th Street and the like. The typical ST rate for those girls is about 40,000 to 50,000 kyat, - about 1,500 to 2,000 baht (which makes it on a par with Thailand). The venues that I'm going to are for the local Burmese men, but these are not seedy places, large, many tables, well-lit and with a good sound system, - and the price difference (for girls, food and drink) is staggering

And did I partake you ask? Well ,not this time. I had drunk too much beer and my room was some distance away. I also was concerned that this local lasses might only be used to the Missionary position, as opposed to some of the sexual perversions that we foreigners, (well me anyway!), get up to in the bedroom.

and if I do partake - I won't tell you anyway

Simon

[khmen]

Excellent mate, I'd green you again if I could.

[Simon43]

A useful tip for anyone visiting Burma from Thailand, and intending to have a hair cut with the electric clippers. The numbering system to indicate shortness of cut is NOT the same as Thailand! I asked for a number 4 cut (about 1cm at Thai barbers, and the Limp Wrist started to cut my hair as if I going to join the local monastery.

Take note - a Thai #4 clipper cut is equal to a Burmese #12 ...

[Bettyboo]

but these are not seedy places

.......

[Seekingasylum]

Nice insights, well done.

The thing is, are you not a little concerned?

A foreigner enters a country where he has no known contacts and engages in redundant employment disconnected from his current profession which affords him little advancement and appears to have no ostensible purpose save the obtaining of a radio licence which again would have no resonance with the oriental mind seeking enlightenment. All this in a country which in effect has been a closed society enchained by a totalitarian regime for the past 30 years where paranoid thuggery defines their governance.

I wouldn't be too surprised to read about a British chap arrested on charges of suspected espionage in down town Yangon in the not too distant future...

Perhaps I'm just being a tad melodramatic but it wouldn't be that absurd given the nature of the place and your CV.