West vs East: The great big dumping dispute

**somtamslap** · 23-04-2016, 09:01 PM

Upon first arriving on Siamese shores all those many years ago with my Great British short back n' sides, stiff upper lip and a backpack fit to burst with two-ply toilet tissue, I found using the lavatory a mostly disagreeable affair which filled me with equal amounts of fear and disgust.

I mean - seriously: how in the name of Thomas Crapper's left tit is one to supposed to operate without a roll of soft pliable sheets close at hand - hanging expectantly ready to facilitate the mop up.

And that bowl of stagnant water, iridescent with the bodily fluids of a thousand men. I certainly won't be introducing any of that to my arsehole. That would be a sure-fire method of contracting an amalgamation of every sexually transmitted infection in the fucking stratosphere... and others that haven't been invented yet.

And the arse-blaster. Whilst in theory it appears a practical solution - unfortunately it was a case of once-bitten-twice-shy after a particularly volatile torrent of water threatened to dislocate my fucking rectum.

But alas, as the years went by I resigned myself to a life sans toilet paper and eventually concluded that I'd have to try and make friends with the bum gun - lest, of course, I was to tolerate a perpetually sullied pair of underpants.

Thankfully ours blossomed into a beautiful relationship, and I remained faithful to Alma (the Arse Blaster) for the duration of my stay, even on the rare occasions when the alluring form of a roll of Andrex beckoned me come hither.

Fast forward to the present day back in good ol GB and I'm felling fucking hectares of rain forest every time I go for a dump.

Toilet paper, unless you're a 12 week old hamster, just does not cut the mustard.

I never thought I'd be craving the bus station bog in Sakhon Nakhon, but woe is me, it bests my current shitter.

I miss you, Alma - so very, very much.

**thaimeme** · 23-04-2016, 09:08 PM

Disconnected Foreigner.....

**taxexile** · 23-04-2016, 09:11 PM

the secret is to master the art of clean turtle crimpage, a cleanly crimped stool should not leave any fecal matter on the surrounding area, whereas turtle egress accompanied by poor crimpage and slack muscle action will invariably result in a smearage situation after toilet paper has been used.

for when wiping simply isnt enough, you, as a cyclist, could always try one of these.

**chassamui** · 23-04-2016, 09:22 PM

Klingons amidships are now a thing of the past, thanks to the bum gun. And a little Andrex to remove excess moisture. (Yes I know, I'm a posh fucker).

**baldrick** · 24-04-2016, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by taxexile

should not leave any fecal matter on the surrounding area

you would be deluding yourself - just the convection currents themselves after you have introduced a warm stool to the surrounding air would scatter the fecal matter to adhere to your exposed body so that when you next visit your local curry emporium they can waft to the kitchen and embroil the wobby headed proprietor in a malicious attack by sniggering imbeciles who are encouraged to believe that their extra braincell somehow makes them smarted than the average rock.

**DJ Pat** · 24-04-2016, 07:38 AM

I can balance myself really well on the sides of my bathtub while using the warm spray of my shower hose to wash away those bits that would usually be smeared all over my skin using dry paper.

The odd bit does fly onto the tiled wall, but most gets down the plughole and the shower curtain drawn around me is a godsend.

I simply can't dry wipe again, which is why I never crap at other peoples houses or in rancid shopping malls/public toilets.

I save a fortune in toilet rolls

**charleyboy** · 24-04-2016, 08:20 AM

Originally Posted by taxexile

and slack muscle action

I blame. Withnall!

**Maanaam** · 24-04-2016, 08:36 AM

Funny you should post this as, having just returned to Thailand from 2 weeks abroad, I was going to start a post on this subject.
For me, my first days back in NZ were torture. By golly how that rasping dry paper is a disgusting invention. Eventually, I took to only going for a dump just prior to having a shower: Use paper to remove any hanging dags, but let the shower make the area properly clean.
It is indeed a joy to be back in a place where civilised anal cleanliness is the norm.
I'm not quite so endeared to the hand bidet as to give the nozzle a name such as Alma, but indeed I can empathise with the fondness for it.

**Cujo** · 24-04-2016, 09:12 AM

What about the fact you're left with a dripping wet arse?
It seems to me the spraying of water would just spread stuff around and for those particularly stubborn bits surely a high pressure water blaster would be what's needed.
I mean when you're doing the dishes you don't just rinse them do you? You wipe them.

**Maanaam** · 24-04-2016, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by Cujo

What about the fact you're left with a dripping wet arse?
It seems to me the spraying of water would just spread stuff around and for those particularly stubborn bits surely a high pressure water blaster would be what's needed.
I mean when you're doing the dishes you don't just rinse them do you? You wipe them.

That's what your left hand is for.

**OhOh** · 24-04-2016, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by Cujo

I mean when you're doing the dishes you don't just rinse them do you? You wipe them.

Oh dear. One selects from one of these options when ensconced in a Thai home:

1. A young brown lady to take care of all the domestic chores. Once shown how to cleanse the used crockery, she will ignore your suggestion of drying them with a clean tea towel and revert back to her embedded education. Leaving the crockery on the kitchen tops, so the sun can dry them and the local insects can select any morsels remaining for their children.

2. A dishwasher.

3. A supply of paper cups and plates.

4. The ablutions are again one of your ladies domestic chore. After wetting, soaping and rinsing one's body, the drying off is undertaken with her scented dry body. Taking care to include every crevice and drip. Using her erect nipples to reach those deep dark ear passages etc.

None of which will ever "wipe them".

**VocalNeal** · 24-04-2016, 11:13 AM

**DJ Pat** · 24-04-2016, 11:41 AM

A bidet is an aquired skill, with the warm jet spraying upwards you eventually adopt the motion of 'riding' the spray much like a woman riding a blokes huge cock

In Portugal this hotel had a bidet where the spray came out at a 45 degree angle, so it took a couple of uses to get it right. Until then you'll usually get shit bits up your back or the ceiling

**Dillinger** · 24-04-2016, 01:32 PM

Some money to be made if you can rename baby wipes

.

Originally Posted by chassamui

Klingons amidships are now a thing of the past, thanks to the bum gun. And a little Andrex to remove excess moisture. (Yes I know, I'm a posh fucker).

Where do you get Andrex from here? Just buy his and hers towels

**DJ Pat** · 24-04-2016, 01:34 PM

Those scented damp toilet wipes you can get are useless, still don't get to the real problem, which is traces of crap around the arse, being rubbed in

**Dillinger** · 24-04-2016, 01:52 PM

I think theyre only good for one wipe

**Kurgen** · 24-04-2016, 01:52 PM

bum gun then a quick dab with bog roll to dry me drippings

**pseudolus** · 24-04-2016, 01:55 PM

Slap- get yourself a bum gun then. It's what we did. No way I was reverting back to smearing with bog roll, and the nightmare of the post piss up kebab morning "wiper".

Here's what you need

1 x SELF BORE CUT CUTTING PLUMB IN TAP Dishwasher Washing Machine | eBay
1 x Flexible Tap Connector, (Dia)22 mm (Dia)3/4 " (L)1m | Departments | DIY at B&Q
1 x a hose head with a on off shutting switch on it.

I assume you are in a rented gaff, try and keep this operation out of sight because once you put the self cutting valve in, you can not undo this. Best attach it to a water pipe tucked behind a sink stand.

It is very simple. Turn off the water from the mains. Attach the saddle to the water pipe securely. Twist the tap into the saddle which will pierce the water pipe. Make sure you do this firmly!

Attach hose. Attach nozel. Job done.

You can buy bum guns on ebay by the way.
Thailand Bum Gun Water Toilet Kitchen Sprayer Bathroom Bidet Hand Held Shower | eBay

or go to the garden section of B&Q and get one of these

Verve Black & Green Adjustable Pistol Set | Departments | DIY at B&Q

As it's sunday, get to B&q and cobble together a solution. The above is simple. the other options are more temporary

Hozelock Multi Tap Connector | Departments | DIY at B&Q

One of these attached to a tap, with some hose and a pistol set above. Very simple - when you take a dump, plug it in, turn on the water and you are ready to go.

If you want to get warm water, then you can get those shower things that attach to your bath taps still - so one on hot and cold. Remove the crap shower head and replace with a more compressed jet like above. Careful you get the mix right though and do not scold your ring piece. No coming back from that.

Another option which is what i do in hotels in the west if they have a shower / bath next to the toilet on a hose (not fixed in). Take the shower head off, and use that. Takes a bit of practice but worth it in the long run.

**pseudolus** · 24-04-2016, 02:02 PM

Oh, and we have well water here and just use cold. The pressure is high though so it's only a brief exhilarating experience and even when the temp was in the minus with snow, it was never that cold.

**Munted** · 24-04-2016, 02:15 PM

Faecal retards when at home being paper-wipe norm I will take quick shower and vigorously rub the area & free any hangers-on to another existence down the drain. Another good reason to be in Thailand where the bum gun is the norm.

**charleyboy** · 24-04-2016, 02:49 PM

Why not wax your ringpiece...promplem solved!

**Kurgen** · 24-04-2016, 02:54 PM

wax sealed?

**chassamui** · 24-04-2016, 03:38 PM

Originally Posted by Cujo

It seems to me the spraying of water would just spread stuff around and for those particularly stubborn bits surely a high pressure water blaster would be what's needed.

Are you suggesting one of these in every bathroom? I was a attacked by an unsupervised Thai child with one of these during songkran.

**baldrick** · 24-04-2016, 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by charleyboy

Why not wax your ringpiece...

polishing turds ? despite the salesmen I am not sure that it is really that successful

**pseudolus** · 24-04-2016, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by baldrick

Originally Posted by charleyboy

Why not wax your ringpiece...

polishing turds ? despite the salesmen I am not sure that it is really that successful

Takes a bit of perseverance and a gentle touch, but it is doable.

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