Thread: The TeakDOOR Chinese Takeaway

Ezequiel Lavezzi has retired from the Argentine squad so he won't be playing in the semi but I was inspired by his Chinese Super League promotional face pulling to try my hand at Chinese cooking.

I have spent the last 12 months perfecting the Indian curry to die for and I now feel the time is right to rise to new challenges

I went for Black Bean Sauce.

Cooking instructions on t'internet are normally for a stir fry but I want the BBS that you get in real chinkies. When you get a takeaway the BBS is in tub like stew. It is not like a stir fry.

So anyway I add some olive oil and sesame oil to the pan and chop my chicken and onion into it to gently heat up.

I then added a whole bottle of BBS, some rice wine vinegar, ginger and garlic and also some Vietnamese chilli sauce to give it some kick.

I added water and flour to give it a more stewy body and added a splash of honey.

I ended up with this.

I do not know what it is called. It does not resemble classic Chinese takeaway BBS in any way but it is very tasty and I would happily make my new Chinese mystery dish again as is. But probably next time I will do more research on how to attain something closer to the real takeaway flavour

Or maybe turn my hand to Sweet and Sour

Gotta love Zeke's ecclesiastical chest tattoo.

I might get one of them after watching The Passion last month.

Originally Posted by Looper

I ended up with this.

A motivational cooking line if ever there was one.




I'll actually take 6 tubs delivered if yer good for it.

Originally Posted by Edmond

A motivational cooking line if ever there was one

I might beat a retreat and start with sweet and sour baby steps before tackling my next BBS experiment

Originally Posted by Edmond

I'll actually take 6 tubs delivered if yer good for it.

This takeaway tub actually contains 6 serves going by the serve yieldage obtained from my Indian Curry batch cookery method

I need to get smaller oblong plastic tubs to give it that authentic Golden Dragon takeaway vibe

olive oil

Try corn oil, for Chinese. Those black beans look a bit suss- more like kidney beans. Anyway, it tasted good so kudos.

Originally Posted by Looper

I might beat a retreat and start with sweet and sour baby steps before tackling my next BBS experiment

Et viola...

The early stage cooking shot did not come out on my chinko phone. It is 4 years old that phone so that is not a denigration or negative refelection on our fine Chinese friends' engineering skillz.

Add the sweet and sour sauce + ginger and garlic. It is easy to make your own SSS (use the juice from the pineapple tin as a base) but it is even easier to buy a big jar for $4. This was 2 big jars for the batch job.

And plated

It was not as exciting as the BBS at first. But I added some vietnamese super-spicy chilli sauce to give it a turbo boost and it grew on me

Originally Posted by sabang

Those black beans look a bit suss- more like kidney beans

I added kidney beans since the chicken was not enough bulk mass for a batch job

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

This smoky tomato Chinese BBQ sauce showed mild promise upon uncorking the jar to go with the Onions and Chicken.

I turbocharged it with

Soy sauce
Rice wine vinegar
Ginger
Garlic
Black bean
Sesame oil
Vietnamese chilli sauce
Thai Fit Sot

And rocketed it straight to a podium finish for the Chinese fakey takeaway 2023 cullinary olympics

This is a bona fide winner and will be repeated meticulously as per my original hashed up random recipe

Awesome possum

Took about 15 minutes and made a batch that will do at least 4 dinners which is under the blokeworthy bar of 4 minutes per meal. (the rice had already been cooked and just needed 2 minutes in the nookyulator)

A pot noodle takes 3 minutes.

Can't say fairer than that.

I did not even know that tomatoes existed in China.

I am feeling more confident about the merits of this Chinese smoky BBQ sauce so I thought I would pull out the blokish stops with a double batch

I bring you a jar sauce masterclass:

Maillard reaction temperature must be reached before uncorking the jars

What the sauce really brings is smokiness. The rest of the flavour is meh and needs a bit of a leg-up so time to wheel in the supporting cast of

garlic
ginger
soy sauce
fit sot
sesame oil
vietnamese chilli sauce
rice wine vinegar
black bean sauce

The first plate left me with 2 litres of BBQ stew leftover which will last over a week

Chinese lady from Fujian province invited me over to pop my hotpot cherry. I have never had chinese hot pot before although I have heard about it. The bottles behind the beef were her homemade mulberry and plum wine (38% abv using rice wine as a base to flavour with berries)

My contribution was a bottle of bubbly. Chinese lady is a lady of temperance and agreed on a thimbleful

I thought I had hit the jackpot when she pulled on these rubber gloves

I was ravenous hungry and champing at the bit when I clanked eyes on this kingly feast

3/4 of the way in and my stomach was stretching like Monsieur Creosote

Plum and mulberry wine digestiv settling in

To pop Monsieur Creosote she broke out the custard tarts for dessert with a pot of Oulong tea native to Fujian

And on the left is golden Crysanthemum tea as drunk by the emperor.

Lordy I have not eaten so much food in one sitting in a few years I reckon.

Makes a change from menu 69 with porn crackers

That's a very nice from me!

Just post ‘very nice’, you ridiculous prat.

Originally Posted by cyrille

Just post ‘very nice’, you ridiculous prat.

You shit the bed again Ciz?

Very nice

I offered to make FF1 Indian curry for dinner and she countered with an offer that she cook Kung Pao Chicken for me at my gaff. I was hoping to wow her with my sub-continent special but I was also keen to hone my Chinese Takeaway skillz with a masterclass so I eagerly went with her proposition.

First up she wanted to go on safari so I scooted along to the end of the driveway and loaded up.

I was wanting to show her one of the gnarly old monster roos with the big dangly ballbags but we had to settle for a young buck

And a baby

Not a bad backend

Not to fugly up front either. The new swollen-kidney grilles cop some flack but the headlights are quite nice. She is still offering to sell it to me when she upgrades to save my pedestrian Volvo blushes.

Back at teh gaffe I had to sing for my supper which, after 5 Jack Johnson numbers, left me with sorer hands than pounding my pud after she left me with blue balls last weekend

She rejected my regular leccy hob in favour of getting me to dig out my gas powered camping stove. As a young paduan learner I simply followed orders.

She did suggest we add some Indian to the buffet but when I heated some up she turned her nose up at it. I don't think they would have gone well together to be honest.

Kung Pow dished up and ready to go. This was Sichuan style with hot flash-fried red-hot ring-stingin chillis a-plenty. The rubber gloves were hers and I was keen to find out what she had planned for afters.

I was starving ravenous by this point and had no problems polishing off this monster serving

We bathed in the rising moonlight later (after she finally consented to a 4th date lunar probing), and she related to me details of the mysterious Chang'e (goddess of the moon), and her pet Yu Tu (Jade rabbit).

Very nice Loops!

That's a very nice from me to.