lunch with rock singer
I am riding a 1997 Harley Davidson FXR Fatboy classic and my passenger is a sexy Thai rock singer called Jackie who is wearing D&G aviator sunglasses, knee high black leather biker boots, torn denim hotpants and a white linen blouse knotted at the stomach, no that's bollocks I am actually riding an old Honda Wave I inherited from my deceased twin brother The Gentleman Scamp after he was murdered by that awful doctor, and my lady passenger is wearing fake Ray bans, pedal pushers, a blouse that clashes with her bum length rusty bleach blonde hair and a silly hat.
She is indeed a Thai rock singer who I met at a party at the Lamai Resort and Spa last week; however, she is just a singer with a band who play regularly at Angkor, a huge new mountain resort; the opening party of which I attended the night before last and subsequently netted her mobile number as I had always fancied dating a singer.
Speaking with her broken, almost irreparable English, her name is 'Jack-eeeee' and though she can sing classic western rock and pop songs her English leaves a lot to be desired, but here I am in the afternoon sunshine asking her in Thai if she wants to eat Thai or farang food, and if you don't know what 'farang' means then fuck you, and don't tell me you're an expat cause you know fuck all and I'm explaining nothing.
As I approach the main Lamai road some dickhead driving beside me in a brand new (as they all seem to be in Thailand) - SUV makes a left turn without indicating (as the all seem to not do in Thailand) and then, despite clearly being in the wrong, has the nerve to beep me, and so I beep him back but alas, Scampy's bike has seen better days and the sound produced is more that of a kitten dry wretching than a beep.
Fortunately I was chugging along at a modest 20k and had just been overtaken by a knock-kneed knackered old biddy on a chicken chaser so no harm was done.
Jackie lives and works at the new Angkor resort, performing every night with a Thai band and another Thai singer, a man with long scraggly grey hair and brown teeth who wears a pale denim jacket over an old USA flag vest, who looks more rock and roll than Keith Richards and reminds me of Ad Carabao, and if you don't know who Ad Carabao is then fuck you, and don't tell me you're an expat cause you know fuck all and I'm explaining nothing.
Did I forget to mention that her 16yr old brother is in tow, probably as some kind of chaperone - this is common when dating half decent Thai women but it's also a pain in the arse, even if you do just want lunch to see if the attraction is still there in the sober light of day.
The menu is all in English but Jackie knows what she wants and requests 'spagg-et-teeeee carbonara' to the waitress. Her brother, who incedentally has zero understanding of written or spoken English, orders the T-Bone steak causing me to choke on my Tiger beer, turn red in the face and glances to be exchanged. To my relief the ensuing silence is broken by the waitress who informs us that 'no have T-bone today' and so the little shit looks at the prices again and orders the fillet steak, the second most expensive meal on the menu.
I would say my spoken Thai is fairly good, by no means fluent but when conversing with a Thai who's English is fairly good we usually meet in the middle and can have a pretty reasonable and coherent conversation, providing he or she is savvy enough, which she is not.
I ask her what time she starts work and she says 'Angkor resort', I ask her what song she most likes to sing and she agrees with me. There ensues a period of uncomfortable silence which only serves to highlight the pointlessness of the situation and this is probably why it is so rare for me to invite a girl to lunch. I tap my fingers on the table and look around with a ho hum exppression, I look left into the restaurant and I look right, out onto the street.
I look at her brother opposite me and he smiles... I mean to smile back but it must have come out as a forced grimace.
Typically, my food arrives the moment I light up a cigarette. Because of her horrid, greedy little oppertunist, let's-get-what-I-can-from-the-farang-man-who-wants-to-shag-my-sister sibling I have gone for the cheapo special, the grilled chicken breast in mushroom sauce with mashed potato.
I can't recall ever being presented with such a crappy colorless meal and can easily imagine what Gordon Ramsay would say upon being presented with such flat, culinary dullness. I will refrain from typing it for the sake of my parents who have thus far enjoyed my writing but I'm sure you can imagine, anyway, Jackie gestures for me to begin and I explain in broken Thai that where I come from it is impolite to begin before everybody has their food.
Her spag-et-teeeee carbonara arrives and it looks almost as bland as mine does, a clumsy mass of white and beige with the occasional glimpse of pink.
My dry chicken breast with tasteless mash covered in mushroom soup is, to be frank, rubbish - but I persist and by the time I have finished the unstimulating, flavorless mush I have become a dab hand at salt application.
The brother, whatever his fucking name is, is clearly enjoying his fillet steak with chips and grilled carrots which doesn't look too bad, and so it shouldn't for 300 baht, which is over four quid, his meal alone costs more than mine and Jack-eeeeee's put together but he does at least finish it. Jackie is struggling and asks for my help, and so I reluctantly manage a couple of forkfuls of the vapid, salty, faux-cheesy stodge.
How did this happen I ask myself, why did I even ask for her number?
Well the first night I met her we had made small talk and it whad been nice of me to be able to practice my Thai.
The second night I met her at the Angkor opening party, and I remember she had been wearing a black leather bra and a cowboy hat so I can only assume that in my drunken state, Mr Squinky - (AKA Littlebrain) had woken up, made his presence known and pushed me to get her number, and if you don't know who Mr Squinky is then fuck yourself up the arse, and don't tell me you're an expat cause you know fuck all and I'm explaining nothing.