Thread: Beware falling coconuts

After an exhaustive couple of weeks in Pattaya over the xmas period, I decided to take some well earned rest and plonk myself on a desert island down south.
I chose Ko Phangan for the sheer laziness of getting there. Took the overnight train sleeper from Bkk. Really rate this mode of transport as i am assured of three of my favourite pastimes, beer in good supply,my legover,& whats left of the 13 hour journey, a decent nights kip.
So the ferry gets us into Ko Phangan noon the following day, and i check into a plush gaff on Wai Nok 10 mins from ferry port of Thonsala.
Place is the absolute bollocks. Pristine surroundings,with pool overlooking the bay. Only real complaint was the beach was naff.
So as my partner is a beach freak i reassured her I would take her on a tour of some of Ko Phangans finest beaches.
So rented a jeep the next day & headed of in search of desert island beaches. First up was a journey into Haad Rin. Sunrise beach home to the Full Moon Party. This place is totally geared up for backpackers,hippys,pill freaks,with smatterings of some of the best arses & tits Europe has to offer.
Sunset beach is around the cove & with calmer waters & a more sedate way of life.
The following couple of days i made it to north east of the island to Haad Sadet, Haad Thong Naay, & Haad Namtok.
So by this time the tan is coming along nicely & the Mrs is full of the joys of sun,sea,and doing sweet fook all.
Time out..Parked the jeep up at the resort and thought i would spend a few lazy days around the pool. Content with the thought of not having to drive to go anywhere, i went on the piss for a couple of nights and sweated it out around the pool.
Laying on my sunbed i could hear the gentle lap of the sea, and the chirp of some unknown bird in the distance. This place is that quiet its easy enough to earwig other peoples conversations the other side of the pool.
The Mrs being the nosey fucker she is, has picked up on this couple crapping on about how beautyful the beach is at Haad Yow.
Only 20 mins from Nai Wok, Haad Yai is on the north west. So the next day after my start for the day of eggs,bacon,beans etc etc.we are on Haad Yow.
Now i'm not one of these sporty guys that are into snorkeling, beach volley ball, any fucking ball for that matter. I like to throw a towel on the beach and kip. Do'nt mind the odd dip in the sea just to stop me from frying but, thats about it.
The mrs on the other hand thinks she Lotte fucking Haas, and is not content unless she is swimming with the fishes ( i wish) or being thrashed by some 12 stone mamasan on the beach.
Now I am not the cleverest fuck that ever set foot on a paradise beach but, i know that you have got to be some thick fuck if you lay under a coconut tree that is laden with coconuts, that bunch like piles around an old mans arse.
So as a rule of thumb i always lay in as much shade is available. Now the only available nearest shade to where the Mrs decided to have her massage was under this palm tree. So having sussed the situation i have placed my towel in enough shade given from the palms, and yet out of reach of any of those milk bombs that have any aspritions of caving my head in.
So the towels down i'm laying on it, she's covered in oil and moaning like fuck as big Bertha has got her in some head lock. Smiling to myself i drop of in deep slumber, and dream of her body covered in oil and me......
WHACK...fUCKING jESUS.
I've been hit. A coconut the size of a rugby ball has just fallen 30 feet and splattered my hooter. Dazed and in a state of shock, I kneel on all fours clutching my nose with blood pissing through my fingers.
My heads down almost into the sand and all i can hear are voices around me. I am now center stage at some kind of freak show on the beach. I can hear the Mrs screaming at the Thai who runs the bar, ICE,ICE.
Semi conscious i'm now holding a bag of ice wrapped in a towel, pressed as much as i can bear on my nose. My tounge investigates the inside of my mouth, the roof of my jaw seems iffy (broken i fear!) i run my tounge over my teeth & cannot believe they are all in tact. I have already convinced myself, my nose must be smashed to smithereens. But even in those split seconds i have consoled myself that i am alive. Had it had been my temple,or forhead i'm sure i would have been cabbaged at the very least.
10 mins later I am on my way to the doc's in Thong Sala. The owner of the bar has rallied his staff and carted me to his truck, blood still pissing in the towel.
The journey was a 20m min drive, but seemed to take hours, my head by this time was exploding with pain.
Now credit where credit is due, the Thai's were oustanding with their help and all assistance. And two days later I returned and tried to reward them for it, but all finacial offers were refused.
The doctor in Thong sala was excellent, he gave me a shot of morphine up my jacksie and ten minutes later i thought i was pissed up at the full moon party.
The only blip to his medical care came when he told me 'I need an X RAY. So still laying flat out on trolley bed, spaced out of my brain, he jestures me to get up and walk to the X ray room. Now this sounded ok in my psychedlic infused state until I realised, I had to climb over a small mountain of rubble outside the rear of his surgery, over the road to his X ray department.
X rays sorted and the results were, nothing broken, nothing fractured..nothing more than the loss of a couple of pints of blood, and the skin taken clean of my nose. Amazing..
This milk bomb had hit me from 30 foot up and must have weighed a kilo !
When i returned to Haad Yow, as i said ' a couple of days later with just a elastopalst over my skinned nose, and one black eye, i was treated as some kind of celebrity. Needless to say I was the talk of Haad Yow.
The Thai massage woman who had been massaging the Mrs at the time of the incident, met me like a long lost son. And when I told her that nothing was broken she replied with all her island wisdom..Qoute > Buddah save you, coconut not have water in, the spirits drank it first. <
I had fell asleep out of harms way from the coconuts above. In my deep slumbers I had rolled over twice ( it appears) directly under the nuts. And as it transpired this one nut had my name on it months ago, when it first started to blossom on that beautyful beach on Haad Yow.
Instant Karma never got me babe.

Zorin,

I am very disappointed that your lady did not have the prescence of mind to take some photographs.

You're lucky to be alive. I've never heard of anyone surviving a coconut bomb. I was nearly hit by one on Koh Samui, walking up the pat the Na Muang Falls. It fell and missed the top of my head by about an inch. Scared the hell out of me (and the tourists who were behind me).