Thread: best australian joke

Thought the PM was Barry Humphries?

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Thought the PM was Barry Humphries?

No, that's minister for the yartz.

The yartz n kulchure minister, or just thyartz?

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

The yartz n kulchure minister, or just thyartz?

The yartz and kulchure.

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Now will ya's let me get back to me throne

I think it's bloody marvelous that you lot inherited something.

It reminds me of the old marsupial jokes.


What do you call a camel with no humps, and an offspring stuck in the pocket where your watch should be?

^ humphrey

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says: "Hey Koala, what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint.
Come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry
and he is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to see this, and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.
He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says...
"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude.......
How much water did you drink?

for me, it was the gay guy
who couldn't get out of Sydney.

what ya have to say to a sheila with a black eye?


......absolutely nothing cause you already told her once.

Bruce decides to take his old mate "Deaf" Bob down to the Cronulla lawn bowls club for a round or two.
A few of the regulars show "Deaf" Bob the basics while Buce heads down green to wait for the first bowl.

Bob lobs one but only get half way down so he sets up for his second and really hurls it down field and it ends up way past the jack and into the gutter.
Bruce calls out ''too hard Bob" . Bob says "what ya say?" Bruce yells "TOOO HAAAARD BOB" "Oh too hard was it ?" says Bob. "YEAH" calls Bruce

The third bowl ends up 6 inches away from the white jack ball. Bruce calls out " good one, six inches off Bob" , " what " says Bob. Bruce yells "BLOODY SIX INCHES OFF BOB" " Oh six inches did you say Bruce?" '' Yep" says Bruce shaking his head.

Next ball stops just short of the jack. Bruce calls "you are a foot in front Bob". As usual Bob says "what Bruce?". Bruce is starting to lose patience now and bellows "YOU'RE A FOOT N' FRONT BOB!" .... now old Bob straightens up and glares down the green at Bruce and says "what did you just call me then you bastard?"

A douchebag walked into a gym and asked the nearest personal trainer
“Yo, berroh! What machine can I use to impress the ladies?”
They trainer looked around,
looked back at the douchebag,
and pointed to the ATM machine.

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.


"How am I doing so far?"